It looks like Bud Light is upping the ante on becoming the tailgate shotgun beer of choice at this year’s Hokie football tailgates. My prediction is that it will be a success, history tells us so. The first time that Dixie plopped down orange solo cups next to the Beer Pong standard Solo red cups they sold out immediately across town.

I look forward to a Nebraska double pounder:
Hokie BL in my left, Hokie Bird White in my right.

I am just pleased because it makes one more reason why people will avoid buying that piss of a beer Miller Lite. But don’t get too far ahead of yourselves Hokie fans… we aren’t the lone school worthy of this marketing gimmick -these school color cans have been made for a number of other NCAA football schools this season as well.

9/24/09 Update: It looks as though the Bud Light “Fan Can” promotion may die before the football season even begins (see the comments section). If you must have these soon-to-be-collector’s items you should head to the University Mall Kroger where the first case was spotted or scour eBay, a few savvy sellers have already put up auctions to sell off cans. Let’s hope that VT doesn’t take an official stance against the cans like many other schools (Boston College, Syracuse, Alabama among others) have and perhaps we can make it to at least one tailgate with orange and maroon cans.

Starting with the 2009-2010 academic year, the largest all-male residence hall on the East Coast will be going co-ed. Pritchard Hall, a place I called home just as 40,000 other men have since 1967, is bending to conform with the gender balance that is becoming a reality at Virginia Tech. The dorm is set to become 41% female, meaning 416 women will have to sleep in the same living spaces that once housed raunchy chronically masturbating sink-peeing freshman who did nothing else but fill their rooms with internet porn, blast early 90’s rap music and smoke pot between trips to Dietrick Express and the shitter. These women will travel everyday in elevators with walls which, at more than one time, have been coated in a base layer and top coats of male piss, they will shower in stalls that have been decorated in feces for no apparent reason, and they will study in lounges that were once used for playful and drunk (but probably almost rape-worthy) sexual acts with women too far from being called one of God’s creatures to dare to bring back to a judgmental roommate.

In my day, finding a girl in Pritchard after 9pm was like releasing bloody chum in shark infested waters. At even the hint of a female on one of the eight floors, heads would poke out of dorm rooms, sniffing, for a moment putting aside Napster downloads, 2 player Tony Hawk games, and Big Lebowski DVD viewing to catch a glimpse of perhaps a painted toenail or anything that didn’t resemble the male form. The heads murmuring through clenched teeth “vagina?”

Starting in the Fall, women will be more than just an occasional echoing laugh from down a bright white cinder block corridor, more than a brave soul traveling to that one female bathroom stall on the first floor by the cage-protected vending machines, and more than someone who runs to and from the showers with her boyfriend’s loofah, wearing Adidas flip flops, clapping along the floor at 10 a.m. on a Saturday morning. Any woman who spent more than 10 nights a year in Pritchard Hall was certifiably a slut - but now will be simply be a potential slut. I hope for their sake these women enjoy watching hardcore porn being projected on to a bed sheet hung from two windows in the pit.

To my surprise Virginia Tech cracked the online list: Hottest Student Bodies: Top 50 Universities Ranked By Looks. Not to say that we don’t have some good-looking ladies down in the ‘burg- but our geography, demographics, and degree offerings haven’t really lended a helping hand when it comes to superficial lists in the past. Of course, we need to take in to consideration that the list was created by a highly professional online magazine by the name of Pop Crunch which goes by the byline: “A celebrity news and gossip blog that features the sexiest, most edgy celebrity news around.” Yeah, I’d say its pretty edgy to put VT on that list. Either way, being better than any school at anything is important to me and I would like to note that we beat Maryland (number 47), UVA (not listed), and Florida State (okay, we didn’t beat Florida State but those two strippers make up about 7% of their rankings - oh and Brett Jula’s imaginary girlfriend shouldn’t be able to count to the rankings either).

Next time let us play the Orioles if you want to provide some healing.

You may have heard that my law school’s parent school Penn State has produced two undergraduate students who decided it would be clever to go as Virginia Tech shooting victims for Halloween. Outside the fact that I have seen first hand that PSU has strength in numbers when it comes to idiotic students, I think this is really just a case of two dipshits that could have attended any school and at any school people try to be outrageous to get laid. It’s not the first time I have heard of ridiculous costumes mocking the pain of others (remember to insert picture of Jeff Butt dressed as Steve Irwin) but really it’s the pure stupidity and self-righteous nature of these two students that really is what angers me most.

The his-and-her costume pairing were exposed after pictures from a six-person Halloween party surfaced on Facebook a week ago. I’m betting the girl even changed her Facebook profile picture to show off her offensive getup… it is easier to convince a six-year-old to pull out his loose tooth than it is to try and stop a girl with a fresh Halloween picture from changing her profile pic to it.

What is the most ridiculous is the reaction from the two students since the story became headlines for newspapers over the weekend. The pair began lashing back at the public’s outcry against their costumes and have been citing their constitutional rights of free speech in their acts saying that society has no right to be upset or complain over what is essentially just free expression. Apparently no one informed the duo that such an argument cuts both ways and part of free speech is the right for others to dissent against one’s actions and views.

Now let’s just examine the other views of these fine young Penn State undergrads: “[W]e are notorious and infamous in the state college and very popular, so we have to do things that push the envelope just for shock value.” That’s an actual quote. Newsflash – six-person Halloween parties are for fucking losers (unless it’s an orgy). “This is a group of college students who now think it’s trendy to be upset about their friends being killed” one of the students said about those who have condoned their actions in a local TV interview. Wow, “trendy” about their own FRIENDS being killed – just losing ANY friend sounds mortifying but yeah, that makes sense, I think I remember hearing that its a new trend these days to embrace pain and suffering. I guess that new Hollister collection makes sense now. The pair of students also they fear that Virginia Tech students may plan to respond with bodily harm or even murder. Apparently the pair have taken every single facebook comment made about their costumes as a legitimate threat. Names of at least three people have been turned over to authorities for such threats. Virginia Tech police are investigating the claim by one of the students that he was Superpoke! bodyslammed and later forced to “decorate a christmas tree” with the same unspecified individual. And the other student has enlisted police at both campuses after receiving at least “3 zombie invitations”. Despite these intense fears one of the student’s still spoke defiantly in an interview with Roanoke Times, “That’s the problem with college students. They all live in an ivory tower of privilege.” … Wow, I didn’t realize we all live with Gandalf in middle earth. Not only is the kid an asshole, loser and hypocrite – he is also a nerd.

The two said they wanted to get it all behind them and simply move on with this painful part of their life… and really hope no one goes as them for Halloween six months from now.

12/14 Update: With his slick hair gel and crossed eyes the costume crusader continues to act like a prick on national TV: video