As many of you know, I refuse to spend a lot of money on getting my hair cut… in fact I usually spend nothing and opt to cut my hair in my boxers over the bathroom sink or outside if the weather is nice (still in boxers only). Well, with all the time spent finishing school, together with the lack of being mailed SuperCuts coupons and scrapping the barrel to save money, I had gone almost 3 months without a proper hair trimming. All of that changed today as I joined the world of the social haircutting elite and ventured to a man salon at Tyson’s II (that’s the one that’s always empty except for the Persian Terrorists and people waiting 2 hours to eat Cheesecake Factory).

I felt a bit uneasy, almost nauseated, at the thought of spending $50 on a haircut – but I figured I had saved so much money on avoiding a haircut since spring break and I need to start looking presentable to practice law - which meant I had to stop using Dark And Lovely Relaxer on my hair and finally get a hairstyle which would be acceptable to mainstream society.

When I arrived at this man salon, I was approached by a woman who welcomed me as “Mister Phillips” – a far cry from my usual routine of spinning a piss encrusted keyboard around to type in my first name and wait among stacks of old Road And Track magazines for the next available and clearly pregnant redneck to call me up for a 10 minute jaunt in the world of Wahl electric hair trimming. I was offered a drink, which I politely refused until I realized they meant a REAL drink… after seeing the Maker’s Mark and Johnny Walker bottles along a wet bar stocked with cold wine, beer, and IBC root beer I put my finger in the air and tranformed in to the type of person who would never be caught dead in a Man Salon …“Ahhh Ahhh Ummm Yes, can I have some of that liquor, its free right? Uhh Yeah Hmmmm.” Fuck it, I didn’t care, I saw it as a chance to drink my haircut in to a fucking bargain. My stylist, Sunshine, was a ray of just that. We were talking about travel, politics, even fishing in Alaska – again a far cry from nodding insanely and uncomfortably at the indiscernible mumbles of a woman renamed to an American palatable name like “Kim” who likely has no driver’s license and even more likely has no license to be operating sharp objects near human skin.

The entire (scissors only) cut lasted nearly an hour and included a hot lather neck shave, warm face towel, a face, back and neck massage (sadly lasting all of 2 min), shampoo and deep conditioner. I was pretty toasted by the time I left the place too. “Mister Phillips” then had to go to an ATM since they don’t take tips on a credit card. The ATM task took me 30 minutes and I was on such a high that I almost bought a Zegna suit for 29 hundred dollars but being charged a $2.00 ATM fee brought me back to Earth. Coming out $50 lighter for 20 ounces of less hair, I can’t say I’ll be returning every month, but I think when you are chopping off that much off your Jew you can allow for a little splurge.

I made it to the part of the series where you get done with school but I really don’t know which adventure to choose next.

After completing Choose Your Own Adventure #14 “Law School Seems Aight” I figured I had to go on to #15 “Summer In A Bedroom That Looks Like Bombay Company shat a Build-A-Bear” but now do I choose to go to page 39 and spend my last ten dollars on a haircut or skip back to page 8 and buy yet another Chipotle burrito (an obvious follow up on the ending to #11 “You Fat Fucking Fattie: Eating And Sleeping Makes You Fat”)?

I am pleased that I bought in to #14 and that somewhere through the story I decided to choose the path to State College on page 711. However once at that part in the story I found myself in a continuous loop, turning to page 120, whereby I would get hammered and break kitchen table chairs. Eventually I simply ripped out page 120 and read the commencement chapter which followed. I know it ruins the story but I have actually skimmed ahead in book #15 and I noticed that almost all the options end with “Turn to page 3 and study your ass off”, so really it seems like Summer might end up being a rather boring read.

Three years of re-learning how to binge drink will culminate tomorrow afternoon in the streets of State College. Some may consider it just “two idiotic old men drinking” but for us it is a release from the past three years of classes and a celebration of an accumulated $100,003 debt. It kind of reminds me of the time when I, along with a group of 12, climbed Mount Doom in an attempt to throw the one ring into the fiery pits of Mordor from whence it came. The only difference here is that we are walking in attempt to throw up at least one time, and instead of Sméagol we get Todd Kline. There will no doubt be other competing bar crawls of undergraduate sorority girls and custom t-shirt circles of friends all trying to sleep with the same mediocre girl, but our crawl has the unique ability to sue under the dramshop act if we are served past our limits. Not to worry however, chances are good that the group will blow its load within the first 2 bars and will be in bed before SNICK starts.

Learn more at our green $2.99 website:
http://www.ryanandjonsjurisprukencebartourinstatecollege.info/

Well at least UVA lost that other tournament - yeah there is one worse than the NIT.

Okay, we all know what happened… there was a close loss against Clemson to close out the season (oh boo hoo), dismantling of Miami in the quarterfinals of the ACC tournament (yippee… I feel hope!), then UNC’s robotic white boy hits a winning bucket with .8 seconds to go and does the bushwacker down the court in celebration (at this point I am kind of sick of this tug-of-war over the last at-large spots and frankly, I don’t care… if you don’t want us in the tournament after that, fine, fuck you. That’s basically Coach Greenberg’s stance.)

Something important is lost in the race for the at-large tournament slot when schools I have never heard of or schools that have last second miracles scoop up a ton of automatic bids. I don’t like that I find myself cheering AGAINST Georgia’s big upset in the SEC. I love upsets, even though I couldn’t care less about University of Georgia outside of the strip club they have in downtown Athens, I am happy that there was a reward for a team that makes a big splash the last week of the regular season. But that prize is the conference trophy and the fucking net from the court that wasn’t hit by a tornado. Awarding the auto-bid basically is like saying to a Pro Football team that if they go 0-9 but somehow win in the last two weeks of the season and the best teams happen to lose (or perhaps play like shit because their eyes are on the post season) then lets give that shit team the benefit of the doubt and allow them in to the playoffs. Oh and let’s throw Niagara in there too. Niagara? These people http://www.purpleeagles.com/ ? What a shit show.

I really have let the whole “tournament thing” go. I mean just how deep did we expect to go in to the tournament? Isn’t squabbling over a 12th seed not much better than whining over the Outback bowl bid? Sure, we want to be there in the limelight and a trip to the NCAA tournament is vindication of a good season (a great season in comparison to our expectations), but we got a hell of a lot more press as a bubble team than we would have as an expected lock that drops to Vanderbilt in round one.

I’m proud that we put on a good show this season. We aren’t a basketball school… but were becoming a force in the hardest basketball conference in the nation. We were projected to be the 11^th worst team in the ACC… but we ended 4^th. Seth Greenberg is ACC coach of the year and Delaney/Allen look to be something special for years to come. In all, it was a great year for Virginia Tech Basketball.

By the way, take a look at the first round of the NCAA tournament. What an abortion. Sure there are a few great games in there (USC v Beasley State, Clemson v Villanova, GMU v Popular Belief) but after you look it over just head over and look at the NIT bracket. Funny, It looks a lot more exciting over there in the runner-up bracket. Maybe its because there are schools I have heard of or at least seen televised once in the past 3 years. Even Florida and Ohio State are hanging out with us, we can’t be that upset even though as a number one seed, that’s all our opponents can hope to achieve when playing us.

Taking a walk down the cereal aisle leaves me wishing I could be back in 1989. Of my three favorite cereals none have survived to this day - while somehow pieces of shit like Honey Combs, Grapenuts and Smor’z seem to deserve everlasting shelf space.

So with that I have to provide you with a blast from my cereal past and my three favorite and deeply missed bowls:

#3: Berry Berry Kix (last sold in 2003)
This cereal took what was amazing about kid-tested mother-approved Kix cereal and improved upon it, which is like taking Super Nintendo and giving it three vaginas. Still I have to think looking back on the commercials there is something terrifying about them, maybe because all PG13 horror movies now feature little kids who creep out of the darkness and suddenly loose their eyes and shriek in to the screen.

#2: Triples (discontinued by law in 1991)
This cereal had three different cereals in one. It was like when Chex combined all their cereals in one but left out that shitty dark brown flavor. It was part Rice Crispies, part Kix, and as the commercials show part Atonic Seizure. Check out the video (before YouTube removes it again) and notice the fun the soundboard operator had adding unnecessary effects.

#1: Ice Cream Cones - Vanilla Flavor (bankrupt in 1990)
This was the greatest contribution to the dessert-for-breakfast-cereal line. It shat all over Cookie Crisp and would have taken Reece’s Puffs out back and shot it in the legs. Perhaps the only thing more amazing would be if Bonkers had a cereal which you ate with a spoon shaped Fun Dip stick. Ice Cream Jones would later end up on Nightline’s To Catch a Predator: Phoenix.

We all know Deron Washington and his great acting skills. He has been seen on more than a few thousand occasions flopping like a fish when touched by an opposing player after a whistle, and some of his rehearsed performances rise to what would get a red card in a European soccer match. Combine this with the fact that he has no problem sucker punching players and has even been seen sneaking in to huddled conversations of the opponent while on the court and you can see how he may be making a name for himself among coaches and refs. The rumor is he recently cut his hair because after the Duke game ACC officials told Coach Seth Greenburg that they “know his tricks” and aren’t falling for his “flailing arm tumbles” anymore. No joke. Coach Greenburg relayed the information to Deron who was working on his monologues and watching (WWF) film in the locker room.

Apparently rather than change his tactics or transfer to Juilliard, Deron decided to make himself less identifiable as the great method actor of the Hokies basketball team. Right then and there he shaved his once long and quite signature dreadlocks. He also thought about donning a bowler cap and wax lips but Vassallo backed him down with a “too much man, too much.”

Did it work? The Hokies were able to top UVA in overtime following Deron’s change of costume … but ACC officials have clearly caught on that this is just new-look Deron with the same old tricks as VT has slid down in the ACC by losing their last two games, one of which at home to Miami. Deron, who clearly has no problem with the words of his critics, is back polishing his art, flipping end over end when players tap him on the shoulder to let them know hes been substituted.

Although there may not be much in way of an acting career for the senior forward, I think that he is still one of the greatest players to watch in Cassell, or any arena for that matter. Granted, it is pretty absurd when he goes off on one of his thespian voyages to technical foul land, but he always finds a way to make up for it… like when he hurdles Greg Paulus twice in one game. I found this mixtape, which I think Deron made himself and will be sending out to studios at the end of this season.

Long hair or short hair I think hes the only way we will get to walk down the red carpet in March (and lose to Oral Roberts in the first round). Right now Virginia Tech is sitting on the bubble and needs to put together at least 3, possibly 4 wins, in the last 6 games of the season. If we can take care of business at home against Wake, BC, and Georgia Tech I think there will be enough of an argument to let us in come the tournament.

The envelope please…

It was recommended by Swain that we all participate in a Death Pool/Death List for 2008. Apparently in New Orleans this morbid game is common place and local television networks spend much of the new year discussing their lists of hopeful deaths on the evening news — perhaps in an attempt to divert the reality that a category five will be wiping out the city in a FEMA-packed sequel set for release some time in August. For those of us who are gentiles or live outside the path of Hurricane Cloverfield the point of a Death Pool is relatively easy - a group of players pick out celebrities who they think will die within the year and who ever picks the most correct at the conclusion of the year is declared the winner.

UPDATE: Here are the draft results for the 2008 Death Pool

Full list with all participants: dp081.xls

There are certain things in my life, if different then they are now, which would allow me to get massive amounts of work done, and if they were different I would probably be a multi-billionaire by now. Although I do not wish that any of the things in my life be different, I am just noting the few things which cause me to procrastinate, lose sight, or simply put my efforts somewhere other than the pursuit of scholarly or financial success. I have itemized (in order) what changes would effect me the most…

Other Runner-Ups: If AIM Never Existed, Life Before Scrabulous, If Ex-Girlfriends Exploded After Breakups, If I Was Never Extended Credit, If Chipotle Could Be Shot Directly Up My Ass.

It doesn’t matter what happened in the Big 10/ACC Challenge game - Penn State cannot compete with Virginia Tech where it counts. I had the “hardest” drink at Penn State tonight - known as a Monkey Boy. Granted, this pitcher-sized drink was chock-full of alcohol goodness and even used brands of liquor I had heard of, but my liver knows a true combatant when it sees one and nothing in this world can touch the (originial) Rail from TOTS. The Rail reciepe - hardly a secret - is the contents of the cheap rail liquors and a tap on each button from the musical bar (plastic thing that shoots out soda). The Monkey Boy - somewhat similar but a bit heavy on the ice and the cruel liquors (tequila, gin, bourbon) were all no shows. But more importantly the Monkey Boy didn’t make me want to do horrible things like pee on people’s feet or have sex under the deck - no it just made my tummy warm. And hell we even have things worse than the rail: Evil Rail (only dark liquors), Dirty Rail (part beer), Red Bull Rail (ask Jro). But the Monkey Boy does not reign supreme against the mighty rail. I told the bartender tonight that VT has them beat after I took a sip of their best monkey boy, known as a Bong Water. He replied “You must have been to Arnold’s then” and I just said back “You’re old.” Drink a rail.. for tonight… we dine in Hell!

3:51AM Update: Okay, well it did make me cry like a little baby watching Pan’s Labyrinth so maybe it is stronger than originally believed…