My buddy’s blog post about the affordability of housing in Washington made me curious of whether or not I could afford one of the SMALLEST homes in all of suburban Washington DC.

I believe I have found this “home of my dreams” in Old Town Alexandria. There is a tiny house on the brick lined sidewalks of Queen Street which has been called affectionately a “spite house” –or a house built just out of spite. The house was built in 1830 by a home owner who lived next to an alleyway thoroughfare used by horse-drawn wagons. The man was sick of horses taking shits all over the walls and on the ground near his home and didn’t want to put up with any more horse-like bullshit. In response to the feces, he erected a house in between his own and his neighbor’s across the alley.

The home is  7 feet wide, 25 feet deep for a total of 325-square-foot spread out over two-stories. Its walls are still made from the neighboring homes’ exterior and still contain gouges from wagon-wheel hubs and horse ass. A family of three currently live there. Granted there may be homes smaller than this one, or in a crappier neighborhood, or perhaps buying a condo efficiency would be cheaper, but if I am going to live like I am on the bottom deck of a Carnival Celebration cruise boat I think I should at least get to live in a nice area and without condo fees.

According to Zillow.com this tiny house is worth approximately $292,000.

I can’t afford this price. FML.

Things get weird 1:30 in to the video…

EDIT: This was once an amazingly bizarro video with Helen Hunt and that cat that plays the piano set to Haul and Oats. Now it is a blank link removed by youtube. Meh, probably for the better, I don’t want future generations associating this crap with me.

So there is this book that says you should not eat “THAT!” and it shows you a steaming hot pile of gooey cheese fries covered in ranch sauce weighing in at 2900 calories and next to that it will say instead eat “THIS!” and it shows a steaming hot plate of sweet and breaded Bloomin’ Onion weighing in at 2893 calories. (You may have seen this in Men’s Health magazine actually.)

Well, today while awaiting an install of new tires on my car (I failed state inspection 7 different ways) I walked in to the local Barnes and Nobel and began flipping through this “No-Diet Weight Loss Solution” book. I flipped to the Chipotle page and took note. They labeled the Chicken Burrito (THAT) as “Worst Mexican Entre” and instead recommend (THIS) a Chicken Burrito Salad (skipping out on the buttery rice and calorie loaded tortilla but strangely it didn’t say anything about the fatback dressing).

I also was unaware that book stores do not take fondly of people taking pictures of their products.

So I figured what the Hell… hundreds and hundreds of Chipotle burritos in my life and I have never once tried 1/5 of the menu possibilities represented by the Salad. I walked down a few doors to where the Chipotle was and stood in line. I actually felt a little bad when I walked up and faced the counter to order - like I was turning my back on beloved Chipotle or eating a Q-Doba lime chicken burrito as I stood there. I quietly spoke out “Chicken Bur- er… salad… black beans” and continued down the line. The guy in front of me, seemingly taunting my EAT THIS decision ordered a double meat and guacamole behemoth which pushed his burrito’s tortilla to an A-Rod forearm sized bulge. I paid and sat down and sighed at the step I was about to take. It felt like the whole restaurant was staring at me, calling me a “burrito pussy” under their breath. “No… you’re the pussies” I thought as I dumped half a bottle of Tabasco in to the mountain of food in front of me, attempting to restore some manhood to my meal.

I took a bite. Then another. Man THIS is pretty good! I devoured the entire bowl of greens and spicy toppings in record time and felt satisfied at both the flavor and saving 700 calories. I don’t know if I would follow the logic and instructions of the book for a complete diet (after all if a Triple Whopper with Cheese already crosses your mind during lunch time decisions, chances are you are going to die of a heart attack within the next 40 seconds) but I can say this book showed me an amazing meal in my own wheelhouse, and I am both astonished and humbled.

Then I went and ate some fucking Cold Stone Creamery. THAT shit is good.

Though there is still a stinging pain from our Men’s basketball team losing three straight, this video helps put a smile on my face and remember that things could always be worse… at least we beat Duke in football.

Rather than predict Hokie Basketball games, which have become a schmasmortion of misery, I will try and throw out some thoughts for tonight’s Academy Awards. I won’t talk about the obscure foreign/short film awards, nor the visual effects and art direction awards which will surely go to Benjamin Button, nor the music awards (give those to Slumdog Millionaire), nor the best supporting actress awards since I haven’t seen enough of the films (Cruz seems to be the lock anyway), and director I believe will go to Slumdog’s Danny Boyle. But for the big guns I have come up with my predictions… and my final answer is:

Best Supporting Actor
Should Win: Someone other than Heath Ledger
Will Win: Heath Ledger

This will piss people off. I don’t care, the fact it actually pisses people off helps prove my point. Granted, the best supporting actor award often times will go to a colorful and comedic performance so its not the most coveted of Oscars to win (remember Cuba Gooding, Jr.?) but to say that Ledger was far-and-beyond the best performance of the year is simply ignorance rooted in too much posthumous hype and fanboy idolizing. The fact remains that Ledger DID put on a helluva performance, but it was in a role that really any hack could be the scene-stealing riot. Playing a depraved lunatic, scripted and directed meticulously, with great costume design and makeup did not require Ledger’s “magical” touch… you would have an equal sentiment when leaving that movie if it had been played by a currently living Ledger as you would with an Orlando Bloom or Adrien Brody. For some reason people watched what they believed was the actual deconstruction of Ledger himself and described his role as if it was Leaving Las Vegas or Midnight Cowboy but no, it was a Batman movie (but maybe the best Batman movie so who knows).

Best Acrtress
Should Win: Kate Winslet
Will Win: Kate Winslet

Kate Winslet has become one of those actresses that people exclaim “she hasn’t won one yet?” in surprise when viewing her IMDB awards page. She has been nominated now six times for supporting and lead roles and has yet to take away a golden statute. This year, she was naked in nearly half of the film in which she starred (The Reader) and grows old and weak by the end of the film. This is the kind of performance the Academy drools over and its due time to break this losing streak - even if they don’t like foreign actors.

Best Actor
Should Win: Sean Penn
Will Win: Mickey Rourke

I have not seen The Wrestler but apparently the entire film is driven by Rourke’s performance. After his Hollywood fallout the Academy will be sure to reward him with his first Oscar. Like Penn he is outspoken on George W. Bush and stands behind things the Academy likes (comebacks, difficult roles in low budget films, drug addictions) but because Rourke has not won an award yet I believe that the Academy will skip over Penn’s (possibly better) performance in favor of Rourke.

Best Picture
Should Win: Milk
Will Win: Slumdog Millionaire

The crowds all love Slumdog, and though it is a well-done and entertaining film, it is not necessarily the BEST film of this year’s lot. However, among 4 other dry or near-depressing films it shines with its child actors and punchy soundtrack. The Academy wants people to enjoy watching the Oscars and this award will be combined with Ledger’s to make for a one-two punch in ratings.

Always remember there are no shortcuts when preparing food for your Thanksgiving Feast. Let Lil’ Jon and Erin E. Surance’s little cousin help you to follow the recipe by-the-book with this clever little jingle…

I have come to add tuna fish to my wheelhouse of “I’ll always eat it” foods complimenting nicely to pulled pork sandwiches, banana peppers, and Chipotle.  There is no other product that comes served in a can at such a low price that mixes so beautifully with Miracle Whip and can be eaten on salad, crackers, bread, asscracks… you name it and I’ll eat that shit. And the funny thing is, its pretty good for you. High in protein, low in fat, no sugars… its a wonder that people don’t go around drinking tuna smoothies. I patented that idea by the way.

Tuna is the perfect blend of salt and fish stink. Its just strong enough to easily remind you that you had it for lunch a hour or so after you have had the last bite, but meek enough that one piece of gum will eradicate its odor and taste for the rest of the day. Of course one of the greatest magic tricks tuna can pull is tuna salad. Tuna salad is the crown jewel of the Subway Five Dollar Footlong Menu and will never disappoint no matter what the occasion. It was the blockbuster 2-dollar Sheetz sub. And don’t even get me started on a rare sushi grade tuna.

I have heard that the species is rapidly becoming extent and at these prices I can see why.  If it ever does make the endangered species list I will definitely become the mustached villain poacher who spends the rest of his life murdering and eating up these bastards until I am swallowed by a whale. I say we hunt them all down and can up as much of this shit as we can (since it has a 10 year shelf life) and never look back.