Dock Ellis passed away on December 19, 2008. He was perhaps the coolest pitcher Major League Baseball ever knew. He pitched for the Pittsburgh Pirates, among other teams, and in 1971 he won 19 games for the World Series champion Pirates. He was also the NL starting pitcher for that year’s All-Star Game. However Ellis and his legacy is better told through a couple of outrageous but also hilarious stories…
Dock was known for his gritty and aggressive competitiveness but also sometimes silly demeanor on the field. He would preach to fellow teammates that it was better to psyche out your opponent than actually conquer them athletically. In order to prove his point following a heated debate over the topic with a handful other Pirates players, Ellis attempted to hit every batter in the Cincinnati Reds lineup during a regular season start in 1974. Ellis first hit Pete Rose, then Joe Morgan, and then Dan Driessen in the top of the first. The clean-up batter Tony Perez dodged the throws in an animated plate appearance and managed to draw a walk by narrowly ducking out of the way of very high and inside fastballs. Ellis then threw two pitches aimed at the head of Johnny Bench - which means 3 current Hall of Fame members were all targeted in the head by Ellis (one day that number will be 4 once they finally let Rose in). Amazingly it was manager Danny Murtaugh who pulled Ellis and not the home plate umpire - who apparently saw no problem with the head-hunting pitching tactics. Ellis’ box score for the game reads: 0 IP, 0 H, 1 R, 1 ER, 1 BB, 0 K.
The REAL gem of Ellis’ past is his LSD no-hitter and it is best told in his own words… “I was in Los Angeles, and the team was playing in San Diego , but I didn’t know it. I had taken LSD….. I thought it was an off-day, that’s how come I had it in me. I took the LSD at noon. At 1pm, his girlfriend and trip partner looked at the paper and said, “Dock, you’re pitching today!”
“That’s when it was $9.50 to fly to San Diego. She got me to the airport at 3:30. I got there at 4:30, and the game started at 6:05pm. It was a twi-night doubleheader.
I can only remember bits and pieces of the game. I was psyched. I had a feeling of euphoria. I was zeroed in on the (catcher’s) glove, but I didn’t hit the glove too much. I remember hitting a couple of batters and the bases were loaded two or three times. The ball was small sometimes, the ball was large sometimes, sometimes I saw the catcher, sometimes I didn’t. Sometimes I tried to stare the hitter down and throw while I was looking at him. I chewed my gum until it turned to dust. They say I had about three to four fielding chances. I remember diving out of the way of a ball I thought was a line drive. I jumped, but the ball wasn’t hit hard and never reached me.”
The Pirates won the game, 2-0, although Ellis walked eight batters. It was the highpoint in the baseball career of one of the finer pitchers of his time, and arguably, one of the greatest achievements in the history of sports. Rest in peace Dock.
300 athletes will now be left out of 
The iPhone wait consists of standing in a line for several hours, sometimes overnight if the conditions and rebate price requires it, and obtaining an iPhone as quickly as possible and most-importantly before any stranger sitting next to you on a commuter flight from Washington DC to Chicago beats you to the purchase. Championship events are held daily in major American metropolises and the sport’s popularity is spreading to the European Union, Canada, and eBay. Training can be grueling, but the payoff is sweet for those willing to endure. Most athletes entered the world of sport waiting participating in Wii Waiting at a younger age and moved on to the professional circuit once they reached the age of 16, as required by international rules. This event may just be a twinkle in the IOC’s eyes (see 1996 Beanie Baby Collector petition) but the committee is keeping its finger on the pulse of the sport to see if it gains enough global popularity to warrant a vote for 2016.
who is getting acquainted with, conversing with, or otherwise trying to fuck a member of the opposite sex. Teams consist of two women or sometimes may be co-ed teams consisting of one woman and one man who “has a place for you to crash”. The teams attempt to thwart the interactions between a member of the team and a “point man” -a heterosexual male- during his tactical attempts to get the tip of his dick wet (one way or another) as the three athletes wander through a controlled environment of pool tables, dance floors, and draft beer. 2006 World Games champion and likely top contender for a 2012 games Jenny Johnson (or better known to fans as “No Play J.J.”) of Minneapolis, MN had been training since she was a child and was crushed by the news from the IOC that the sport was not going to be played at London. “I gained all this weight and got shit on by just enough guys to really make myself as bitter as possible… now what am I supposed to do with all this spite and unmatched knowledge of the show ‘The Hills’?” Some speculate that the varying local rules of each participating country would add significant difficulty in assessing scores and lead to a debacle reminiscent of the Bird Dogging finals of the 1936 Olympic games.
accumulation of lines representing the few reasonably funny moments from his films has been building in the minds of boring middle-aged white-collar males. These athletes, or “Farrelletes” as they prefer, have brought their craft to mainstream society by using Farrell movie lines in conversations with co-workers and strangers alike, usually resulting in spectacularly failed attempts to elicit a comedic reaction (usually due to the fact that saying the lines is only funny if said by Farrell himself while in character during the viewing of a motion picture which someone has actually decided to pay money and watch). In international competitions, judges base scores on obnoxiousness of the quote and award special points for excessive repetition and general lack of humor and timing. After the 2004 games in Athens many were convinced this event would make it to Beijing on the heels of such classics as “We’re Going Streaking”, “You’re my boy, Blue!” and “Stay Classy, San Diego”. Perhaps it is the restriction to an English-speaking audience that is hindering the adoption of this event.
Athletes in this event are given an option between an Apple Powerbook or a Dell Latitude laptop and have one 8-hour work day to spend as much time as possible online and not contributing to any work product whatsoever. Though the event is said to be the sport of only the wealthy, many point out that “wasting time” is a universally understood concept and this variation simply “tweaks” the playing court. Often times event participants will visit websites more than a dozen times a day, post to message boards such banter as “Buried for misleading title -it was a car accident, but he’s not dead you tard”, as well as watch countless movies of less than 2 minutes in length and play poorly coded Flash-based games which require no skill and even less intelligence to master. International rules restrict content used in official matches which is deemed to be “NSFW”- as many South American competitors found that masturbation was an easy but unethical method of achieving a near perfect score. Not everyone feels the Olympic games are ready for such a radical and technically advanced event. Barji Mannuli, of Brazil’s world champion traveling team noted “[T]his may not be the worst time to take a step back and let [the game] develop for another 4 years- we lost Scrabulous recently and that was a major blow to our Facebook routine.” Because it is in indoor event, Wasting Time Online may also be included in the upcoming Winter Olympic Games, which has a final listing of events that are still “under review.”
After a construction worker left a David Ortiz Red Sox jersey in the foundation of the new Yankee Stadium, Steinbrenner Inc. hired a construction crew for several hours at a cost of almost $50,000 to tear up cement to find the garment. New York State prosecutors stated that criminal action could not be pressed against J. Castingnoli (probably a Jew from Utah) despite his mischievous intent.
