Could Michael Vick be another reality TV hit? MV7 himself thinks so. Apparently his $600,000 book deal is more of a television deal. More specifically a television series which will follow Vick as tries to put his life back together in the wake of a dog fighting scandal that cost him everything.Filming is expected to start on July 20, and will follow Vick throughout his day as he seeks to “make amends for his past,” financially and morally.  The series is expecting to cover his attempts to reenter the NFL as well as all the hilarity and hijinks sure to ensue once he starts work at a $10-an-hour construction job. I can’t wait for the first episode when Vick can’t get his cinder blocks to lay right so he electrocutes them, smashes them at the wall, and then drowns the pieces in water.

Producers are shopping the series to shitty cable outlets like Spike TV and Animal Planet and it has been rumored that Vick stands to make more than 600k for his participation in the series… he expects to land the “real” money off his newly discovered pop culture image.

It’s opening day night for Major League Baseball and I can’t wait to get out to Nationals Ballpark. Prediction: Nats will win more games than the Orioles.

Michael Vick’s lawyer stated in a Virginia Bankruptcy Court that the former NFL quarterback and dog connoisseur will be taking a job in construction. Vick is expected to be released from the penitentiary in May and given the recession he believes his best bet for earning some green would be lifting bricks and lumber for an hourly wage of just over $10 - a far cry from his 10-year, $140 million contract with the Falcons.

Vick’s lawyer said in court that his client was in “great shape and could once again command millions of dollars if he returns to football.” Many of the creditors who were present at the hearing stated they are relying on the belief that Vick will return to football where he can quickly earn the money he still owes on a number of bad investments and other debt which resulted from his fall from grace and 23 month prison term. However, that would still require a vote of approval from NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell.

Vick’s NFL recovery package plan was rejected by the judge presiding over his bankruptcy hearing. Ironically, the judge said Vick needed something more “concrete” in line his future earnings. If Vick doesn’t make it back to an NFL team this season and decides to pass on the upstart UFL football league (flopping kicking-off later this year) he won’t have to rely solely on the construction gig for income… Vick has agreed to participate in a Lifetime MTV Animal Planet Spice Channel television documentary about his life, netting him $600,000. The lawyer also hinted that Vick may have a book deal in the works as well. No word on what the book would be about or if it would contain only pictures or a combination of 2-syllable words paired with pictures.

Though it appears that Vick, under his bulging suit and lavender dress shirt, has maintained his physical form over the past 2 years behind bars, it is difficult to say whether he has retained his football talent to a major league level. To help encourage teams that may be interested but nonetheless hesitant in signing Vick out of concerns that he wasn’t staying in top shape during his prison term, his lawyer released this picture to the media:

In the spirit of March Madness, XM Radio MLB Home Plate channel 175’s “Baseball This Morning”  radio show created a bracket of the 64 best major league baseball position players over the past four decades. Rather than selecting regions for each pod they instead broke it down by decade (70’s, 80’s, 90’s, and this decade). On one level, I found the players included to be interesting enough to warrant this post but also the seeding to be even more interesting of an argument. Below you will find the opening brackets for this Polly Esther’s* of baseball greats:

Each morning the hosts of “Baseball This Morning” invite callers to argue match-ups and they decide who advances to the next round. Once all the voting and match-ups are complete I will upload the final bracket results. Go ahead and compare them to your miserable NCAA bracket - if you have more than 2 of the final four teams right now you are officially a fucking genius and winner of my pool.

UPDATE 4/3/09: The Baseball This Morning crew have completed the bracket of 64 position players (not without controversy and use of “announcer veto power” - which they ran out of before they could prevent the upset of Cal Jr. over Bonds but whatever). Here is the final bracket for your viewing enjoyment (image).

*Background Information About Obscure Reference: About 3 years ago Polly Esther’s nightclub closed in Washington DC, officially drying up the largest cougar sex lair in the city. Those unfamiliar with the establishment should know it was a 4-story dance club featuring a differently themed decade on each floor… with the decor, music, and often clientele all fitting the era to perfection.

The World Baseball Classic, a forthcoming opening day, fantasy baseball - its a great time to be alive with an Internet connection. With the influx of baseball happiness (I have submitted several Dic Tailgate posts over the years that say my life is 10% happier during the baseball season) so too comes my hatred for the New York Yankees.

The other night USA had a comeback win in the World Baseball Classic over Puerto Rico which was so exciting that I think that America may finally buy in to the tournament for years to come. Here is the bottom of the ninth play-by-play: S. Victorino singled to right, B. Roberts singled to center, D. Jeter lined out to right, B. Roberts stole second, K. Youkilis walked, D. Wright walk off hit. That’s right, thanks Mr. Clutch, Derek Jeter you contributed nothing but an out — but apparently that wasn’t enough. The USA team mobbed Red Sox infielder Kevin Youkilis in the walk off celebration and apparently “someone jumped down” on Youk’s foot causing him to injure it enough to force his return to Red Sox camp and put him in a walking boot for the next week. Well note the picture to the left — can you guess what happened next? Is this the only way the Yankees can recapture the AL East pennant?

And then you have ARod - he’s recovering from surgery and he’s full of steroids. They say his recovery is going well and he is on pace to return in 8-10 weeks. My question is: how is dry humping one’s own mirror reflection considered a healing activity for anything other than one’s ego. Apparently ARod loves looking at nothing more than ARod when he works out. Though, I guess if I was getting paid $3,200 an hour I would probably have a hard-on for myself as well. Actually, I don’t blame him anymore.

But still fuck the Yankees … and welcome back baseball.

…

The Nationals have updated their mascot, Screech, for 2009. Though many people say they don’t see a difference in the costumes I couldn’t disagree more.

The old costume looked like it was made in the 1920’s as some kind of depression-era breadline propaganda - it was tattered, smelled like eggs, and was faded a dingy color of shit.  The old Screech was also an insufferable fatass, which isn’t helping the image of a team with a largely mediocre-looking fan base. The new Screech however is hip, athletically slender (Obama-like in fact), and his colors shine like he has been freshly Oxycleaned. It also appears that Screech is now officially male, something we were uncertain of with the Mother Hen complex of the old costume. Perhaps also important to note is that the new Screech has donned a happier expression and sports a much wider and larger open mouth than the old one, presumably this is so the bird can suck all the other 29 MLB teams’ cocks at the same time.

Now THAT is a major league baseball costume suited for a last place franchise.

NCAA Basketball: Tonight the Hokies face UVA for their last meeting before the ACC tournament — interestingly if the tournament started today VT would play UVA in the first round as a #6 seed versus #11. VT will be without sophomore Jeff Allen after a one-game suspension was levied by Virginia Tech athletic officials in response to Allen’s middle finger gesture to Maryland fans in the Valentine’s day loss. This also adds Allen to the Vick Brothers as a fan of the one-finger salute. I expect that the Hokies can still sweep the Cavaliers following up on their victory in Blacksburg back in January. In that game Allen contributed only 3 points and 6 rebounds in 23 minutes of playing time. EDIT: Allen, we needed you. However, representing my biggest fear tonight: Virginia Tech was up by 15 points with just under six minutes to go in that first meeting between the teams and then the Cavaliers went on a tear cutting the lead back to just one point with a few seconds to go. Because of that incident (and the several other times we have seen such occurrences this season) I will not be comfortable with any lead unless its after the game is over. Incidentally, I will be in the stands trying to get under UVA’s skin - insulting the wine pairing decisions of the student section and racist Country Club membership practices of the alumni. EDIT: Those fans are horrible, old, and have stupid wives.

NFL Football: Michael Vick’s lawyers said they expected him to be out of the prison at any moment … and that was over a week-and-a-half ago. I am guessing Vick has already been quietly transferred out of general population as he awaits travel to a Newport News halfway house for the remainder of his sentance. As his release grows closer, Vick’s name has been tossed around by plenty of fans — but few team owners are willing to admit they will consider his services (keeping in mind there’s no guarantee NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell will even reinstate Vick).  On the other hand, the new upstart UFL league has open arms, and has been on the record as seeing Vick as a great opportunity for both the new league and number 7. Though the UFL may be a epic flop after its six-game schedule starts in October, nothing Vick can do (except elloctructe dogs in his touchdown celebration) could be any worse damage than what was done in the opening XFL game sideline interview with HeHateMe. And why not cut the guy a break? The federal sentencing guidelines for Vick’s crime had recommend 12 to 18 months. Well, as we know, he got 23 months instead, and he lost all his money, and finally what was left of his public image was completely destroyed. I personally think he has learned his lesson and suffered enough, but if the cat abuser scandal of this weekend has taught us anything, public outcry favors animal life much more than human life (unless you are an ape).

MLB Baseball: Is screwed. First off Alex Rodriguez is a lying sack of shit. According to A-Shit he shot up with a needle of P.E.D.s at least 36 tims over three seasons. That sounds like plausable and fair admission, but then he went on to say the drugs were provided to him by his cousin Snuffalopogus and claims to not have known what was in said needles while injecting himself and that all of it was a big naive mistake brought on because he missed out on college… or some shit like that. Okay, fine, maybe Lip Gloss is telling the truth and a 25 million dollar a year player with a private jet he relied basically on his little sister’s boyfriend who has a fake ID for things he injected in to his body three dozen times. However on a 60 Minutes special a couple years back he told Katie Couric “I’ve never been tempted to use performance-enhancing drugs” and claimed he never tried steroids. Now THAT royally pisses me off because it wasn’t like it was a grand jury forcing him to testify under penalty of law nor was it something that the media demanded he do… no… A-Dick* did that show on his own voluntary decision and lied horribly the entire time,all-the-while admiring Katie’s purse. But then again, did all these drugs even help his numbers and turn him in to the Launchpad McQuack he is now? His average homeruns-per-at-bat in 2007 was just as good as what he did during his “juiced years” and that was when he was 5 years younger… however he did lead the AL in homers those three years. As a Sox fan I don’t like the guy, but I think we are talking about a handful of homeruns and not eye-popping Brady Anderson or Sammy Sosa jumps in the power numbers. In other news, the Nationals smuggle Dominicans in to the country using corrupt Baltimore shipping docks.

Aside from being my all time favorite dick cheer, every year there are a number of teams who shit the bed and don’t live up to lofty preseason expectations (thus being labeled overrated). On the flip side, there are also teams who grab a couple of roided up Juco transfers and post amazing seasons that their fans will talk about for years to come. I did a quick analysis of the data to find out which teams lived up to (or poo pooed) their preseason expectations. For my method, I looked at each team in the preseason and final AP and coaches poll rankings and compared their average poll positions. If a team was no longer ranked in the final polls, I had to use the Jeff Saragin ratings (aka the dipshit poll) to perform the calculation. The results are below:

And the award for most overrated team goes to…..Michigan! That’s right; the winningest team in CFB history pulled a Notre Dame this year and left a tightly coiled pile of losses on the lawn of the Big House. Rich Rod may be on unemployment by this time next year.

The most underrated team…TCU. LT’s alma mater was hardly noticed at the beginning of the season when they received only a handful of votes in the coaches poll and finished at a unanimous 7th place in both polls.

So who was fairly rated? Both USC and Pittsburgh finished at exactly the same average poll spots. Way to live up to expectations and not a penny more!

Other notable observations: VT was slightly underrated this year…Notre Dame finally got legitimate rankings (starting and finishing outside of both polls)….

Dock Ellis passed away on December 19, 2008. He was perhaps the coolest pitcher Major League Baseball ever knew. He pitched for the Pittsburgh Pirates, among other teams, and in 1971 he won 19 games for the World Series champion Pirates. He was also the NL starting pitcher for that year’s All-Star Game. However Ellis and his legacy is better told through a couple of outrageous but also hilarious stories…

Dock was known for his gritty and aggressive competitiveness but also sometimes silly demeanor on the field. He would preach to fellow teammates that it was better to psyche out your opponent than actually conquer them athletically. In order to prove his point  following a heated debate over the topic with a handful other Pirates players, Ellis attempted to hit every batter in the Cincinnati Reds lineup during a regular season start in 1974. Ellis first hit Pete Rose, then Joe Morgan, and then Dan Driessen in the top of the first. The clean-up batter Tony Perez dodged the throws in an animated plate appearance and managed to draw a walk by narrowly ducking out of the way of very high and inside fastballs. Ellis then threw two pitches aimed at the head of Johnny Bench - which means 3 current Hall of Fame members were all targeted in the head by Ellis (one day that number will be 4 once they finally let Rose in). Amazingly it was manager Danny Murtaugh who pulled Ellis and not the home plate umpire - who apparently saw no problem with the head-hunting pitching tactics. Ellis’ box score for the game reads: 0 IP, 0 H, 1 R, 1 ER, 1 BB, 0 K.

The REAL gem of Ellis’ past is his LSD no-hitter and it is best told in his own words… “I was in Los Angeles, and the team was playing in San Diego , but I didn’t know it. I had taken LSD….. I thought it was an off-day, that’s how come I had it in me. I took the LSD at noon. At 1pm, his girlfriend and trip partner looked at the paper and said, “Dock, you’re pitching today!”

“That’s when it was $9.50 to fly to San Diego. She got me to the airport at 3:30. I got there at 4:30, and the game started at 6:05pm. It was a twi-night doubleheader.

I can only remember bits and pieces of the game. I was psyched. I had a feeling of euphoria. I was zeroed in on the (catcher’s) glove, but I didn’t hit the glove too much. I remember hitting a couple of batters and the bases were loaded two or three times. The ball was small sometimes, the ball was large sometimes, sometimes I saw the catcher, sometimes I didn’t. Sometimes I tried to stare the hitter down and throw while I was looking at him. I chewed my gum until it turned to dust. They say I had about three to four fielding chances. I remember diving out of the way of a ball I thought was a line drive. I jumped, but the ball wasn’t hit hard and never reached me.”

The Pirates won the game, 2-0, although Ellis walked eight batters. It was the highpoint in the baseball career of one of the finer pitchers of his time, and arguably, one of the greatest achievements in the history of sports. Rest in peace Dock.

In a sad turn of events for one of the nations oldest and crappiest looking mascots, the Penn State Nittany Lion mascot was arrested on a DUI charge this week and his status for the Rose Bowl is in doubt, police and school officials said.

The scarf-wearing, now-extinct Nittany mountain lion was pulled over on campus around 3:15 a.m. on November 22, hours before Penn State’s 49-18 win over Michigan State, University Park Police Capt. Bill Moerschbacher said Monday. The driving behavior that lead to the stop was that the vehicle was overloaded, with passengers piled onto each other and blocking the driver’s view. I’d assume that when the driver told the officer that he was “THE nittany lion” he only assumed the driver was confused from being intoxicated but had the driver been wearing the school’s signature mascot head he probably would have been let go with a warning and a severe scolding from Jo Pa on Monday morning.

The Hokies once disciplined Hokie Bird for going downtown in costume during one of the Main street psudeo-riots and we even commemorated it on a class ring (class of 2004 I think). The Nittany Lion of course far exceeds Hokie Bird’s behavior however I think you have to be a bit nuts to wear that febreeze soaked sweat factory a couple hundred times a year, I know from personal experience, and if he needs to drink with a car load of friends to deal with it - so be it. BUT come on man, you’re a mascot… you should be driving a segway, or an ATV, or a pogo stick.