The Washington Nationals, with the worst record in baseball (as well as the worst team ERA in baseball) took a somewhat decisive step this week by firing pitching coach Randy St. Claire. The file photo on St. Claire screams more struggling door-to-door salesman than a man ready to handle a major league rotation. As pointed out by a much taller friend, St. Claire’s presence bears a striking resemblance to Gill from the Simpsons.

Okay, okay, we all know Vick is out of jail and back in Virginia to serve the remainder of his sentence under home incarceration. Vick has finally been returned to society (sort of) where he can once again enjoy taking private shits and staying up late watching HGTV. Apparently, upon his arrival home, a small vigil of diehard fans congregated outside his home located in Hampton, Va to show support for the former NFL/Hokie great.

Some onlookers hope to see a glimpse of Number 7, others attempt to buy pot, yet another looks hungry

On the day of his release literally thousands of articles and commentary pieces on the ex-con player suddenly popped up online and in newspapers. Presumably these articles were written months ago but only released in the media melee that would only come with his return to freedom. Some articles have speculated on where Vick may eventually play again if reinstated and some have voiced support for giving him a second shot at living a clean and honest life, especially compared to other NFL players with (perhaps worse) legal issues, and of course there are still those luna-batshit-crazy Bichon owners who are calling for Vick to suffer the same fate as his dogs… meaning the Thunderdome? None of them are saying anything new however because we really KNOW NOTHING NEW other than the fact that Vick is out of jail and home alone with continued hopes to return to the NFL.

And while it may be an uncertainty at this moment, I renew my belief that Vick will be back in a NFL uniform by season’s end. If he will be utilized for more than a few snaps a game is yet to be seen - as is whether he can make back the $24 million he needs just to break even with his lengthy list of creditors. With that, I will hold off on my dream that one day Vick will become a Washington Redskin – if no other reason than to give me a new piece-of-shit to watch run around the field. At least it is one that I actually find interesting. I will keep supporting Vick for all the mindblowing plays I witnessed in my time at Virginia Tech, no matter where he ends up professionally … be it on a pro sports team or laying bricks with University Painters.

And who says his athletic talents are only suited for Arena Professional Football? If he is even 75% of the shell of the athlete that he was before all this went down I think he could try his hand at a number of sports, maybe even some 2012 Olympic event which involves dogs and guns (I know they have some wacky ass  shit out there that qualifies as an Olympic event), or maybe… just maybe… nahhh… would a baseball team with a record THAT good benefit from the likes of Michael Vick? Of course they could you idiots… put him in the bullpen.

So the Caps are defying Washington sports status quo and doing well in a post-season and I am thinking “Woo hoo - something to cheer for!” but apparently I should think twice before I try and cheer for my local hockey team. Thanks to craigslist and email anonymity I have had some exposure to the Capitals fan base — and they are a rosy happy bunch.

You see, I have been trying to see a playoff game since the caps got in but I have found it hard to track down tickets at a reasonable price. Looking to not pay huge stubhub or sidewalk markups I decided to put up this message on craigslist…

Little did I know that Caps fans are VERY protective of Verizon center seating and also insanely territorial when it comes to fair weather fans. Rather than the typical craigslist responses from ticket sellers offering links to broker sites or perhaps a fan responding with a fair selling price I recieved these responses from fans who had nothing better to do than hang around craigslist waiting for someone who wanted to buy tickets:

Okay, interesting, that doesn’t really help me much, sir. I suppose I appreciate the passion and the team spirit but can’t really see the point in gloating about owning season tickets.

Then we had:

I guess real fans are also cool enough to write strangers to tell them they are real fans.

Then came this last one, for some reason I just felt like responding because it seemed like the nut case would deliver a good response… and oh how he did. I will admit there is a little white lie about me owning season tickets in there but this guy clearly sits at his computer with hockey gloves on just waiting to throw them to the ground and send a belligerent email response.

I guess that’s hockey fans for you. I don’t even own any red so I can’t say I deserve to be at the game Monday, but I don’t think my iphone belongs up my ass either.

Where was I this weekend? Well I can tell you it wasn’t at Virginia Tech’s Spring Game… No, it was in a place far more red neck than that: Talladega Superspeedway. Talladega, Alabama is a region of the country so poor and so shitkicker that they can’t even afford a proper strip club. That small omission from an otherwise regular southern landscape didn’t stop myself and four other educated men from driving twelve hours to join 200,000 “race fans” in a weekend full of loud cars, free smokless tabacco products, Nickleback playlists, and LSU tailgating tents.

I can’t really say I know what I witnessed the entire weekend, although some of it has been burned in to the back of my retinas never to be spoke of again, but I have been told that at this point I am a fully accreddited NASCAR patron. And likewise I’m not cetain what happens to me next, but I think I am supposed to get a pair of truck balls for my car and find me a woman with a 40 pound vagina bulge.

I am going to spend some time evaluating my life.

Could Michael Vick be another reality TV hit? MV7 himself thinks so. Apparently his $600,000 book deal is more of a television deal. More specifically a television series which will follow Vick as tries to put his life back together in the wake of a dog fighting scandal that cost him everything.Filming is expected to start on July 20, and will follow Vick throughout his day as he seeks to “make amends for his past,” financially and morally.  The series is expecting to cover his attempts to reenter the NFL as well as all the hilarity and hijinks sure to ensue once he starts work at a $10-an-hour construction job. I can’t wait for the first episode when Vick can’t get his cinder blocks to lay right so he electrocutes them, smashes them at the wall, and then drowns the pieces in water.

Producers are shopping the series to shitty cable outlets like Spike TV and Animal Planet and it has been rumored that Vick stands to make more than 600k for his participation in the series… he expects to land the “real” money off his newly discovered pop culture image.

It’s opening day night for Major League Baseball and I can’t wait to get out to Nationals Ballpark. Prediction: Nats will win more games than the Orioles.

Michael Vick’s lawyer stated in a Virginia Bankruptcy Court that the former NFL quarterback and dog connoisseur will be taking a job in construction. Vick is expected to be released from the penitentiary in May and given the recession he believes his best bet for earning some green would be lifting bricks and lumber for an hourly wage of just over $10 - a far cry from his 10-year, $140 million contract with the Falcons.

Vick’s lawyer said in court that his client was in “great shape and could once again command millions of dollars if he returns to football.” Many of the creditors who were present at the hearing stated they are relying on the belief that Vick will return to football where he can quickly earn the money he still owes on a number of bad investments and other debt which resulted from his fall from grace and 23 month prison term. However, that would still require a vote of approval from NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell.

Vick’s NFL recovery package plan was rejected by the judge presiding over his bankruptcy hearing. Ironically, the judge said Vick needed something more “concrete” in line his future earnings. If Vick doesn’t make it back to an NFL team this season and decides to pass on the upstart UFL football league (flopping kicking-off later this year) he won’t have to rely solely on the construction gig for income… Vick has agreed to participate in a Lifetime MTV Animal Planet Spice Channel television documentary about his life, netting him $600,000. The lawyer also hinted that Vick may have a book deal in the works as well. No word on what the book would be about or if it would contain only pictures or a combination of 2-syllable words paired with pictures.

Though it appears that Vick, under his bulging suit and lavender dress shirt, has maintained his physical form over the past 2 years behind bars, it is difficult to say whether he has retained his football talent to a major league level. To help encourage teams that may be interested but nonetheless hesitant in signing Vick out of concerns that he wasn’t staying in top shape during his prison term, his lawyer released this picture to the media:

In the spirit of March Madness, XM Radio MLB Home Plate channel 175’s “Baseball This Morning”  radio show created a bracket of the 64 best major league baseball position players over the past four decades. Rather than selecting regions for each pod they instead broke it down by decade (70’s, 80’s, 90’s, and this decade). On one level, I found the players included to be interesting enough to warrant this post but also the seeding to be even more interesting of an argument. Below you will find the opening brackets for this Polly Esther’s* of baseball greats:

Each morning the hosts of “Baseball This Morning” invite callers to argue match-ups and they decide who advances to the next round. Once all the voting and match-ups are complete I will upload the final bracket results. Go ahead and compare them to your miserable NCAA bracket - if you have more than 2 of the final four teams right now you are officially a fucking genius and winner of my pool.

UPDATE 4/3/09: The Baseball This Morning crew have completed the bracket of 64 position players (not without controversy and use of “announcer veto power” - which they ran out of before they could prevent the upset of Cal Jr. over Bonds but whatever). Here is the final bracket for your viewing enjoyment (image).

*Background Information About Obscure Reference: About 3 years ago Polly Esther’s nightclub closed in Washington DC, officially drying up the largest cougar sex lair in the city. Those unfamiliar with the establishment should know it was a 4-story dance club featuring a differently themed decade on each floor… with the decor, music, and often clientele all fitting the era to perfection.

The World Baseball Classic, a forthcoming opening day, fantasy baseball - its a great time to be alive with an Internet connection. With the influx of baseball happiness (I have submitted several Dic Tailgate posts over the years that say my life is 10% happier during the baseball season) so too comes my hatred for the New York Yankees.

The other night USA had a comeback win in the World Baseball Classic over Puerto Rico which was so exciting that I think that America may finally buy in to the tournament for years to come. Here is the bottom of the ninth play-by-play: S. Victorino singled to right, B. Roberts singled to center, D. Jeter lined out to right, B. Roberts stole second, K. Youkilis walked, D. Wright walk off hit. That’s right, thanks Mr. Clutch, Derek Jeter you contributed nothing but an out — but apparently that wasn’t enough. The USA team mobbed Red Sox infielder Kevin Youkilis in the walk off celebration and apparently “someone jumped down” on Youk’s foot causing him to injure it enough to force his return to Red Sox camp and put him in a walking boot for the next week. Well note the picture to the left — can you guess what happened next? Is this the only way the Yankees can recapture the AL East pennant?

And then you have ARod - he’s recovering from surgery and he’s full of steroids. They say his recovery is going well and he is on pace to return in 8-10 weeks. My question is: how is dry humping one’s own mirror reflection considered a healing activity for anything other than one’s ego. Apparently ARod loves looking at nothing more than ARod when he works out. Though, I guess if I was getting paid $3,200 an hour I would probably have a hard-on for myself as well. Actually, I don’t blame him anymore.

But still fuck the Yankees … and welcome back baseball.

…

The Nationals have updated their mascot, Screech, for 2009. Though many people say they don’t see a difference in the costumes I couldn’t disagree more.

The old costume looked like it was made in the 1920’s as some kind of depression-era breadline propaganda - it was tattered, smelled like eggs, and was faded a dingy color of shit.  The old Screech was also an insufferable fatass, which isn’t helping the image of a team with a largely mediocre-looking fan base. The new Screech however is hip, athletically slender (Obama-like in fact), and his colors shine like he has been freshly Oxycleaned. It also appears that Screech is now officially male, something we were uncertain of with the Mother Hen complex of the old costume. Perhaps also important to note is that the new Screech has donned a happier expression and sports a much wider and larger open mouth than the old one, presumably this is so the bird can suck all the other 29 MLB teams’ cocks at the same time.

Now THAT is a major league baseball costume suited for a last place franchise.