You know, a week ago I was writing about FSU in the preseason poll at number 5 and I then began reminiscing about their scum-bucket-never-attended-FSU-self-proclaimed-”wild-redneck”-wearing-a-golf-shirt-douchbagy fans when it occurred to me: I really don’t know what a TRUE Florida State fan is.

Its kind of like Miami fans… I can’t imagine the “true Miami fan” is that airbrushed-RIP-t-shirt-wearing thug that never left Detroit with a big white silhouette of a “U” on his back of his glitter green dented 1995 Lexus SC300… I mean, what the Hell are you? Certainly not a true fan.

I figured I would turn to where everyone turns in a situation like this: Google. Bouncing over to the Google Image Search I typed in “FSU Fan” and got the following result (… and mind you I have not doctored these results and I recommend you click the image in this post to truly spectacle at the results I got.)

“FSU Fan”

Reaction: Right off the bat the Google search engine is curious did you mean “jenn sterger”? That slut? My god she hasn’t been at that school since 1993 - come to think of it, was she ever AT that school or did her tits just get invited to games by filthy rich alumni who are still reaping in on their great-slave-owning-grandfather’s orange futures?

If you look at the pictures almost ALL of them of are of Sterger! I mean, is that really the thing FSU is associated with? 10 years after the fact, a stripper turned sideline reporter whose most famous contribution to society was RECEIVING a picture of Brett Favre’s flaccid cock is the quinesential ”FSU fan.” 

And shit, there are like 20 different pics of her from all kinds of angles (none of which could give a goddamn about the game going on behind her). Other than Sterger you have a couple of glittered up retards, then some more Sterger softcore, and then WOMEN KISSING?! Wait, what? I mean I am all for your school having bragging rights to hot women but unless I missed something I’m pretty sure the female fans at FSU don’t go throat deep in celebration during games. Lastly there is the obligatory highly-photoshopped middle finger baby. So, in essence what we have learned is that FSU fans = Jenn Sterger’s fake tits + 3 gay men with paint on their bodies + Cinemax + a baby. Great, that really cleared it up.

Maybe to be fair I’ll just try Googling “FSU” by itself…

“FSU”

Reaction: Holllllly fuck its her all over again? Jesus people don’t you have any other humans associated with your school? Maybe an astronaut, an actor, a fucking local weatherman?!? And perhaps I missed something in my 17+ years searching for porn on the Internet (or Gopher as it was back in 1992) is “FSU” is some kind of universal search term for titties, Sterger’s titties to be exact? I mean you can just Google her name by itself and practically get the same results! This is honestly pathetic and to the several hundred true FSU fans I feel a bit sorry for you.

So I guess my conclusion is that this pretty much represents FSU fans… well, no, that’s not fair, I guess THIS represents FSU… Hmmm well I guess its all better than the truth, people.

EDIT: Apologies for the run on adjectives - I italicized them for more frustrated reading.

The Nationals made a stink splash at the start of baseball’s winter meetings with this $126 million contract for Jayson Werth.

Everyone seems to have an opinion on the rationale (or lack or rationale) in the acquisition. Most people are shocked by the sudden development of the Lerner family’s finances stupidity (or gusto) to agree to this large and lengthy of a contract. But the sporting world seems to be focusing on two main things 1) this does little to better the perpetually last place Nationals to contender status and 2) this is the Nationals announcing their presence as one of the few big boy teams that can bring beer and hot chicks (or big money contracts if you will) to the MLB party.

However, I believe there is a much deeper purpose to the signing, one that few analysts seem to think is at play. One that I even felt the need to call in to MLB XM175 to discuss tonight… and that is that Jayson Werth doesn’t represent wins, nor does he represent the Nationals seriousness to woo and sign big names… What Jayson is to the Nationals is an attraction, hes a tool to build value, he’s a capital investment.

The Lerner’s got a taste of what a sold out weekday crowd can be when Stephen Strasburg pitched last season. In a completely lost season in which a single team win meant nothing more than a worse draft selection, Washingtonians packed out Nats stadium to see “what everyone was talking about.” And if the goal is to get people talking, look at how much the baseball world is a buzz going to the winter meetings about the Washington Nationals and Jayson Werth. The team didn’t need to be good when Strasburg pitched because fans just needs to feel special to spend money. In a top 10 market full of transplanted residents the goal is not to raise and culture a lifetime fan but to get residents to come to the ballpark in the short term and spend as much money as possible while the getting is good.

The owner of the Nations, the Lerner family, obviously know real estate, and they bought in to a team and stadium that was supposed to revitalize the Navy Yards - an investment that was going to create a new waterfront for Washington DC. It was envisioned as an area that would thrive much Baltimore where people flock to the stadium and surrounding attractions regardless of the team’s success on the field. But with the recession hitting hard all that has been developed along half street and near the ballpark is an open air bar that features cover bands and cornhole and a handful of apartment towers in the distance.

The next 4 years will be the materialization of the new waterfront and what happens with that development relies heavily on the city’s perception of a baseball team that can make or break the operation. The luxury shops that ran from the table back in 2008, the restaurants that choose to relocate new franchises to other parts of the city in 2009, and the building plans that ran out of investors, all of these stakeholders will slowly come back and develop the vision that is still splashed along the walls as you walk to the ballpark from the Green Line metro station. In the next 4 years the Nationals want to have a team that people will talk about. The team is the  centerpiece of all of the investments - and the Lerner’s want a team that looks attractive to the casual observer even if it doesn’t make perfect “baseball sense”. Jason Werth is the granite counter tops and new bathroom fixtures that help make a property more attractive to buyers and consumers.

By showing the city that the Nationals are “the real deal” it provides comfort and hope to the investors and helps to drive interest in the ballpark area for buyers. Much like the ballpark in Arlington, Texas and a unsupportable investment in Alex Rodriguez, the goal was partly to drive up land value around the park. The Lerner’s want to present a team that people want to be around because there is a belief that they will stay interesting and that the team will spend money to remain relevant. Between Harper, Strasburg, Zimmerman (and Zimmerman), and now Werth, a recognizable name from within their own division, there is plenty of hope and fodder the fickle fans of Washington to point at and say “there is potential here, NEXT year is the year” … which sounds oddly similar to the real estate agent that says “the market is great for buying, there is real potential here to make it big in the next few years.” This is how the Lerner’s see their business and that is why things have been conducted like this since they took over the team.

Many people say it was dumb to sign Werth and let Dunn go for less money, but what excitement is the return of Adam Dunn? Others say Werth is too old and injury prone to get a 7 year contract. But the goal is only the next 4 years and what Werth becomes in his late 30’s is inconsequential to ownership who cares more about the overall development of an investment rather than the achievement of a pennant. The time to strike is now and Werth represents one of few players in the market this off season so they HAD to overpay to get what they wanted or else they miss their chance at a capital investment.

I’ll support the move either way and pay my commission, if I am one of the wallets the Lerner family wants to drain, I am already sold.

The Washington Post had a delightful sports section today, the front page had three things I was stoked to see… first Dibble is fired from the broadcast booth by the Nationals, secondly, Nyjer Morgan’s freak out brawl is highlighted with the man himself taunting the crowd as he exits the field, and lastly a cover piece on the Hokies, their stellar running game and potential to head to the BCS Championship game. And for good measure there’s even an upskirt shot in the upper left just to make sure we had some smut in there too.

Go ahead and click on the different articles in the image and learn more …

Stephen Strasburg, as we all know, is heading toward Tommy John surgery that will keep him out for 12-16 months.

People had speculated that his “inverted W” pitching style would break down his arm, the only question was when. He puts so much pressure on his arm as he cocks from a karate-kid like stance, leading with his elbow, before firing it in at 100+ MPH its actually surprising that it didn’t happen sooner. But looking on the bright side, at least this is “fixable” to some degree. Plenty of players come back from the surgery and do great, the namesake of the surgery showed you can be even better and last longer. Had it been his shoulder the dark clouds would be circling a lot longer over Nats ballpark.

Rob Dibble, who took two days off after he was placed in hot water for criticizing the team’s handling of Strasburg and not allowing him to play hurt (note, he didn’t say he should play “injured” but still felt they were babying him), will probably have to eat his foot for the time being.

But now we have 2011, a year in which we likely won’t have much more success but a necessary step nonetheless to getting to a playoff contending team. Dunn may be gone. Bryce Harper surely won’t make the scene, he can’t even buy porno or cigarettes yet. Jordan Zimmerman is back and may find himself as the defacto ace of the club for the time being, should we hang on to Livan and try to maintain the rotation as it was. But young players like Ian Desmond will improve, prospects will fill out the bullpen, and coaching (which we need to remember Riggleman has only had one season and a month to serve as the manager) can continue to grow together…Pat Listach better start sending runners as well, come on Nyger Morgan could be all the way back to first base before some of those balls make it to the infield when he puts up the stop sign.

But there is still an air of optimism in the Nats faithful however, no one expected 2011 to be “the year” and with Harper floating around there will be a second big debut in the future with the return of Strasburg…. perfect for the “Father, Son, and Holy Ghost” marking plan featuring Ryan Zimmerman, Bryce Harper, and Strasburg (respectfully).

Bottom line: Come back soon and come back healthy Stephen, we miss what glimpses of a potential future winning team you gave us.

The Nats were just swept by their AL neighbor rivals, the Baltimore Orioles. But they didn’t just lose 3 straight, they lost them in tremendous fashion. Going up 5-0 in game one, up 6-0 in game two, and 3-0 in game three only to lose all three games by one run.

This was likely the end of any wildcard hopes for the Nats, who back when Tyler Clippard was 8-0, looked like a dark horse to make the post season. What will be interesting is to see how the team rebounds from what surely was the 3 most painful loses of the year. The reaction to such a series includes not only the players but also the management. Will Adam Dunn get a contract extension? Will the team ship any players off? Will Strasburg continue to get 95 pitches every 5 days? Will Livan Hernandez start day laboring at 23 hours at a time?

With Stephen Strasburg still garnishing national attention every time he has a bowel movement there can still be a silver lining to remaining 2010 season for the Nats. And I am not talking about him joining the NL all-star team, but rather hope comes in the form of the NL Rookie of The Year award. The Nationals look like they will send only the requisite one player to this year’s all-star game and may not crack above .500 before October, but even with that reality - anyone can be rookie of the year with a stellar performance despite the team’s shortcomings. However as of late the weak Nats bats on Strasburgs starts (many coming with no runs at all) and terrible fielding of the Nationals infield has really hurt Strasburg (most recently a bases loaded error in Atlanta) and become his biggest threat.

With large media draw and an excited crowd each time Strasburg pitches, fans can continue cheering for something relevant with regards to the Nats. I am sure the Nats will enjoy playing spoiler to teams like the Mets toward the end of the year as well. In previous years the Nats have gone 382,893-2 in September against the Mets. Team manager said he would do anything to prevent this at a press conference, holding up a crudely drawn picture of Carlos Beltran with tank treads for legs.

So even if cheering for the Nats has become just about the same as cheering for Teddy in the Presidents race, remember that the Strasburg Show is still in its first season and September 29 is knit beanie night.

So this may conclude the most important question of the Michael Vick Watch: Vick will play in the NFL again? …and it looks certain he will, and he will do it as a Philadelphia Eagle. Have no fear that “the watch” will continue as we will have to keep a close eye on if Mr. Vick will ever takes the field or if he has a relapse in to a doggy murder spree with Josh Hamilton snorting coke off the corpses.

Normally I only cheer for the Eagles the two times a year that they play the Cowboys, but today I support the franchise and their bold decision to place Vick on their roster.

But the Eagles signing Vick really makes sense for a number of reasons:

1. Eagles fans are constantly booing everything anyway. It doesn’t matter if its a beloved icon like Santa Claus, American Idol winners during the National Anthem, or their own players, Eagles fans love to boo and throw D-cells. When Vick trots out on the field the boo-birds will be nothing unusual to Lincoln Financial Field. It may even too hard to tell the difference between the animal lovers and the McNabb haters this Fall, its just accepted as a form of “cheering” for the Eagles.

2. MV is performance that can help Philly win. Assuming Vick will be used in any kind of a backup QB to cripple-destined McNabb, he will bring movement to the pocket that the position has somewhat lost as McNabb has aged. I know that the Redskins are particularly awful against speedy quarterbacks so I am not looking forward to this possibility.

3. MONEY MONEY MONEY! Anyone who says “I’m disgusted with the Eagles and I will show them by boycotting watching their games” is shit-for-brains. Despite attempts by society to make professional football (or any pro sport) some kind of shining example of our country’s integrity and a role model for our children, the National Football League exists for one reason and one reason only: MONEY! Vick is by FAR the most talked about, watched, discussed, googled, protested, you-name-it player in football and it is a gaurantee that ratings skyrocket for Eagles games as fans from inside and outside the sport tune in to see the man who has been the talk of the media for YEARS. Even if Vick is a total bust athletically he will be a boon economically. Just his jersey sales alone (whether they are bought by Philadelphia inner-city fans or by PETA activists to burn in protest) will make up for his salary.

4. Jersey Number ‘7′ is available but it doesn’t have to be as a backup QB. Don’t forget that Vick doesn’t need to be a QB to make a difference, he may be used in some other capacity Devin Hester style to make a difference. He isn’t in much of a position to complain if is platooned other than behind center (or on the bench for that matter).

5. Eagles come out on top in the end. There may be some P.R. backlash right now but the Eagles are in a win/win situation. If Vick performs well and helps the team win then “who cares?” they were smart to give the man a chance -someone had to. And if Vick doesn’t really show the magic he had before the Eagles can put their arms up and say “we tried to give this man a chance, he deserves it, and its what Jesus would have wanted.”

So I think that covers it (although A.S. will tell me that I am completely incorrect about any statistical or analytical aspects of this post in relation to his favorite team), the Eagles made the right choice and it was the right choice for football, professional sports as a whole and the United States of America. Parents, you can expect to find the family Bichon Frise, “Mirabel”, with a 9-volt battery shoved up its ass, drowned in the toilet by week 6.

Unsurprisingly, Michael Vick has been given a conditional reinstatement to the NFL. He can play in the preseason for now, that is if any team takes the PR risk on signing him. There is really no other risk to the situation otherwise… Vick isn’t seeking millions to return to the field and the potential upswing of a 29 year-old former Pro Bowl quarterback on an offense is high even with a two-season hiatus.

Teams that haven’t outright said “no” to adding Vick in response to pressing questions by local press include the New England Patriots, Seattle Seahawks, New Orleans Saints, and Dallas Cowboys. Early in summer, many analysts speculated that the Dolphins, Raiders and 49s would seek to acquire Vick but that ended with all three team saying they would pass on the opportunity regardless of what the NFL decided. However that was prior to the Goodell-blessing, when any olive branch made by a team would have sparked a preemptive war with dog fanatics and morons alike. A good example of this was in April when a New York arena-football league offered to employ Vick for $200/week (contingent on Vick donating $100,000 to a local humane group). That created a media melee ending with the team saying the whole offer was a “joke” — some teams probably aren’t considering Vick a laughing matter at this point.

One team that said they didn’t want Vick because of a potential political and social backlash is the Redskins because of its close proximity to policy pumping DC (not to mention PETA HQ is down the road in Norfolk, VA alongside the biggest Vick supporters). But don’t count the ‘Skins out entirely… nor any team that runs a wild cat offense … nor any team that is lacking in the backup quarterback category.  Hmm, actually before you know it you don’t just have one team who may be looking to add Vick, but you have a group of potential BIDDERS for his service.

It looks like any team Vick joins could be without his services for the first six regular season games under the potential scenario proposed by Roger Goodell, but rest assured someone will take the chance.

Michael Vick’s jail sentence has finally come to an end (at the dismay of those people who value the life of a Siberian Hamster over that of a member of their own family) and league representatives are working on setting up a meeting between Vick and NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, likely to occur within the next few days (hopefully before Big Ben’s rape scandal takes up the commissioner’s day planner).

We have been told that this meeting with Vick could mean the end of the quaterback’s indefinite suspension although Goodell says he needs to be “convinced” that Vick has learned and grown from the experience. Yeah, bullllllshit Roger. Vick could stroll in to Goodell’s office being pulled by a dozen Alaskan sled dogs while wearing a bad newz kennels starter jacket and holding a wooden stake adorned with a dalmatian’s still bleeding head and that turd would find a way to allow Vick back in to the league all the while ensuring they still come out smelling like roses.

Of course Vick will still need to sign with an NFL team if reinstated, that is if any team is batshit crazy enough to sign him, before he is officially back. Goodell could always allow Vick “access” to the league as a free agent but restrict his ability to play in regular season games also. This would allow the NFL to sit back and see just how much controversy and protest gets stirred up over the return of a convicted dog fighting mastermind (moronmind?) to the sport.

We will just have to see what kind of a response Vick gets from the NFL franchises themselves. It has been speculated that even with a two season hiatus Vick is a better choice for quarterback than at least a handful of NFL teams’ current situation so I would expect a few to mull over the PR backlash in exchange for more wins.

Improving records aside, you can bet that if the preseason ratings for Vick’s landing place spike (an NFL or UFL team) the teams that passed on giving him at least a consideration will be feeling some regret.

Rob Dibble doesn’t work in baseball… even though he thinks he does. Once a feared pitcher and part of the Cincinnati Red’s “Nasty Boys” bullpen, Dibble seems to be more akin to participate in childish sandlot spats than doing his job as a baseball commentator for the Washington Nationals. In reality, Rob Dibble only works for the world of Rob Dibble.

Always quick to turn the situation to himself and highlight his career as a professional ballplayer, Dibble has become almost unbearable to listen to. If the conversation isn’t going Dibble’s way he will be the first to let you know that he’s not happy and bitch and moan for at least a few innings– so I am doing the same thing now. I have tried to like Dibble from the first exposure I had to him on Fox Sports. His direct and brash approach was an acceptable spice to a normal baseball coverage recipe, but when you give him 1/2 the spotlight the flavor just burns your nostrils.

I am not alone in this hate campaign either. Ever since Dibble took over for Don Sutton in the commentator’s booth at the start of the 2009 season I have watched as more and more writers have joined in this opinion. Although it is hard to put my finger on the exact reason for my animosity, I think it is a combination of Dibble’s unconvincing sincerity to the Nationals (and not to himself) and the uncontrollable anger that inevitably gets the best of him any time his boat is even remotely rocked. For now, it appears Dibble has settled in to an “understanding” with Bob Carpenter during the Nats’ broadcasts where his co-host knows just to stay clear of any kind of argument (let alone engaging conversation) with his color-man the entire broadcast. Speaking of color-man, cool purple shades Dibbs - I guess you never know when you might need to fight off glare when you are rocketing one past Steve Sax from the broadcast booth.

For me the real breaking point was last week: in perhaps the most disturbing display of his uncontrollable conniption-fits, Dibble got in to with his co-host Jody MacDonald on XM Radio’s The Show after a caller directly asked Dibble if he would have acted differently than Nats Manager Manny Acta in a questionable switch involving slugger Adam Dunn. Dibble was absolutely convinced that the caller was setting him up to second guess the Nats skipper - something he had been in hot water for earlier in the month. Instead of handling the situation like a professional and dismissing the caller as a potential heckler, Dibble ripped in to a calm and collected MacDonald as “not standing up” for his fellow man. Undertones of arrogance drenched Dibble’s microphone as he seemed to liken the situation to an on-field physical attack from an opposing batter who had rushed the mound. MacDonald pleaded with Dibble that the question may have been “legitimate” but Dibbs seemed determined to fester and whine about the caller for much of the show’s remaining hour. Since that afternoon The Show hasn’t seemed the same and I have noticed that MacDonald appears less frequently alongside Dibble. I hope that they aren’t trying to send off MacDonald, the bigger man in the whole situation, the same way they quietly said goodbye to Charlie Steiner (I think both men really connect well with baseball fans).

How did I miss this vote?

I will admit that Dibble is often times critical of the Nationals - and critical to a point that is necessary and refreshing for a team that is struggling to not only win games but also retain fans that may be yearning to hear someone close to the organization admit the club’s faults. I just can’t rationalize why Dibble then goes on the defensive as well, claiming that he is a part of the team and “we” as a “team” are doing “our” best to win and everyone should just back off the negative comments. If I didn’t know any better I would say this bicephalous behavior was the work of a control freak owner like Dan Snider wispering in his earpiece or that its just Dibble kicking and screaming when the situation isn’t focused enough on him.

In the end he may be one of only a select few pitchers to have stuck out 3 men in an inning using only 9 pitches - but it seems to me that all that remains of Rob Dibble is a nasty attitude.

UPDATE:  On September 2, 2010 The Washington Post reported Rob Dibble was let go by the Nationals after his tough love comments about Stephen Strasburg landed him in hot water. I will say that since the time I wrote this blog post I have come to like Dibble a bit, solely for his place on the MLB XM Radio morning show “First Pitch” because he would often times bring to the conversation what he had observed from his (now former) job with the Nationals. It kept more attention than would have otherwise been there on the Nats, which I definitely appreciated. Now we’ll see if that means he will scorn the team at every chance now that they have parted ways. Adios Dibbleos!

http://sports.yahoo.com/mlb/boxscore?gid=290630101

In addition to papelblowing the game, the entire Sox infield (Masterson included) came off the field with only two outs in the 6th and even threw the live ball in to the stands… Trot Nixon is shaking his head.