In a sad turn of events for one of the nations oldest and crappiest looking mascots, the Penn State Nittany Lion mascot was arrested on a DUI charge this week and his status for the Rose Bowl is in doubt, police and school officials said.

The scarf-wearing, now-extinct Nittany mountain lion was pulled over on campus around 3:15 a.m. on November 22, hours before Penn State’s 49-18 win over Michigan State, University Park Police Capt. Bill Moerschbacher said Monday. The driving behavior that lead to the stop was that the vehicle was overloaded, with passengers piled onto each other and blocking the driver’s view. I’d assume that when the driver told the officer that he was “THE nittany lion” he only assumed the driver was confused from being intoxicated but had the driver been wearing the school’s signature mascot head he probably would have been let go with a warning and a severe scolding from Jo Pa on Monday morning.

The Hokies once disciplined Hokie Bird for going downtown in costume during one of the Main street psudeo-riots and we even commemorated it on a class ring (class of 2004 I think). The Nittany Lion of course far exceeds Hokie Bird’s behavior however I think you have to be a bit nuts to wear that febreeze soaked sweat factory a couple hundred times a year, I know from personal experience, and if he needs to drink with a car load of friends to deal with it - so be it. BUT come on man, you’re a mascot… you should be driving a segway, or an ATV, or a pogo stick.

Chipotle has officially graduated me from the designation of Honorary Burrito Ambassador to that of Master Burrito Ambassador. It took many years of hard work, dedication, and corn salsa to achieve this prestigious honor and I am proud to hang up my new MBA certificate next to my doctorate and bachelors degrees.

I will admit that I have put more effort in to achieving this MBA than I probably did in to some classes back in school and if I had to quantify Chipotle I would say it is a 12 credit class that I have paid a few thousand in tuition to. I am appreciative they decided to include some scholarship money with my Masters and graduation gown.

Commencement will be at 1pm at the Camp Washington Chipotle. Food will be served.

75% of visitors to Dic Tailgate are from “battleground” states (er commonwealths) of Virginia and Pennsylvania. On Tuesday get out and vote damn it, because I don’t want to have to move to America’s hat, Canada.

How bizarre is that? Oh yeah, and bring a book - its gunna take a while to have your vote changed by a faulty voting machine.

I know I said I wouldn’t get political on DT but this just pisses me off the same way cover charge at TOTS does…

The (tivo’d) debate I watched tonight talked a lot about an average Joe plumber by the name of Joe Wurzelbacher. Insert Google search. Well it stinks to high hell of complete bullshit staged by the GOP.

Actual Interview

No Spin Zone

Why does the whole thing seem so odd and so perfectly sound byted? Here’s 10 reasons it was bullshit brewed for team McBaine:

1. He begins speaking immediately as Obama comes near him and in a very oddly forced manner
2. He has perfect buzz phrases like “I’m being taxed more and more for fulfilling the American Dream”
3. He speaks loud and clearly as if he is aware of the sound bytes he will be creating, oh and he is in good view and lighting for those cameras
4. His name is JOE… how fucking perfect is that for the news? We’re all like Joe because thats his name
5. He says hes just a “plumber” - I’m sorry, but anyone expecting 270k in profit a year with that much of a chip on their shoulder would surely call themselves something obnoxious like a “Master Plumber” or “HVAC specialist” but I guess saying plumber makes fat mid-westerners believe that they too in the next 4 years will be just like Joe
6. He has slightly off-point follow up questions ready to go in a heartbeat as if not even listening
7. “Joe” is attractive enough to be seen on TV… repeatedly (I give that to maybe 10% of the population of Ohio)
8. He seems to have a great awareness of both candidates’ plans but seems to not recognize how insignificant his tax change will be between the two plans and confuses the meaning of the word “profit” with “revenue”
9. He’s JUST this year reaching a level where he profits “$250,000.00 uhh $270,000.00 a year” - sounds too perfect and reminds us where Obama’s cut off is
10. He said he found Obama’s presence and effort “weak” - the potential 44th President of the United States just spent 5 minutes talking to you about your whiny shit and you call it “weak”? Interesting.

By my account, Obama answered the guys questions pretty thoroughly– even though they seemed rehearsed. I personally think Joe was paid and prepped by an obscure GOP support group. We will find out this truth when Joe Schmo exposes it in 2009 for a bit more taste of fame. Staged or real, it’s really moronic to say all Americans can relate to buying 270k-a-year-profit business.

And how does one BUY a business that guarantees to make 270k-a-year in profit anyway? This guy is either smashed on oxy-cotton or has no idea what the hell it takes to make money in a small business. Just getting a stack of vistaprint business cards and a sticker for the back of your PT Cruiser with a phone number wont get you jack shit without thorough planning, investments, business contacts, clients, staff, advertising, HARD WORK… uggg whatever. If you can buy profit then why aren’t we all rich? Oh yeah and for all his whines and research he should know that a $270,000 business getting taxed under Obama’s plan would get hit for an additional 3% for earnings over 250k so he’s looking at an extra $700 or so more in taxes… wow, what a fucking crybaby. Fake Fake Fake.

I’m sick of this. Give me my “I voted” sticker, my free burrito, and get the black man in office already.

So the stock market is tanking, the Dow Industrial is looking like the Tower Of Terror and every American family lent AIG $34,000. What I want to know is why is the iconic symbol of all of this economic chaos a picture of some asshole rubbing his eyes or covering his face in disbelief? The fucking market has been shitting the bed for two weeks and if anyone saw this shit coming its those pathetic jerks who can’t handle watching their millions fall apart.

And if the traders are freaking out this much then its their money they are watching fall with the markets. Perhaps the market wouldn’t have carried on with such reckless confidence if the first responders didn’t have such an invested interest in the first place. Don’t get high off your own supply people. Sure, their “seat” on the trading floor may cost them in excess of $100k a year, but when you are making an average of $600k, I don’t think many of them are complaining about the admission price. If I made 600k a year and worked in something as volatile as the stock market I think I would try and invest somewhere else with at least some of my money. Its like buidling an all glass and popcicle stick skyscraper on the fault line in San Fransisco. Fransiscccooo. Personally I think its all acting so that they can scoop up undervalued markets once average Joe Trader sells off his lot of Apple and GM.

Well that was a fun little chapter in my life. As of tomorrow, October 1st I will officially be going back to my first “real” job in almost 3 and a half years. In all the time I was away from legitimate adult responsibilities I definitely learned a great deal of knowledge from my studies and experienced a whole lot from the people and places I surrounded myself for that time.  I can be pleased that I will go from being a drunk moron student to simply a drunk moron and though I have accumulated great debt while away from the working world, I am better off than if I had bought a house instead of going to back school (foreclosure is a bitch isn’t it?).

Moving on has never been a bad thing though. Every time I close the chapter of one story in my life, a unique new one begins. I don’t really want to return or relive any of the old chapters of my life but I do like skimming them over from time to time. This chapter was probably a bit verbose and some of the pages, now smeared with liquor and piss, are nearly illegible, where as other pages may have been ripped out to block out traumatic studying experiences and still other pages may be taped back in to future chapters. As I metaphorically yank out the last page from the typewriter, I ponder whether to crumple it up and bank shot in to the trash or lay face down on the other pages from this chapter, do I want it to end? Well, I can say I am both relieved and happy at this point, but also sad and without a clear direction… but then I smile… because I know how this new chapter starts off with… “So the Red Sox were in the post season and the Yankees weren’t” and its perhaps the best start to any of my chapters since I began with “There I was balls deep in this hooker” …but you all already know that one by now.

PS: I still have my Accenture business cards, my DLA security badge, a more attractive body, and a Nextel lanyard for sale if anyone is interested in buying my life where I left it off in 2005.

Lawyers aren’t all supposed to make it rich, but they should have some money right? I mean, it is the second best career you can get in the board game of LIFE. Well, I’m here to tell you not to trust that multicolor plastic coated topographical web of lies - I haven’t been this poor since I wore a teal and purple polo reeking of popcorn butter back when I cleaned movie theaters for minimum wage.

My most sobering financial moment to date was this week when I officially became “ATM insolvent”. This means that an ATM actually changes the menu options on what you can transact. There is no FAST CASH FROM CHECKING, just JUMP IN FRONT OF TRAFFIC and STATEMENT BALANCE. The buttons for Withdraw are grayed out and you have to sit through messages warning you that you may be a victim of potential identity theft (sounds nice at this point) and you get a low balance alert which you must click on “I FUCKING GET IT” to continue only to then get to play with the ATM menu like its a gameboy with no game in it. I was happy to be able to click around and make the person behind me think I was wiring a couple hundred grand to the Virgin Islands and then, about 3 minutes later, I turned around and told them “that stupid fucking thing is broken” and I walked away with only my card in hand. Clearly, he knew better and I think the ATM was passing jokes about me on to him because he laughed after as he was entering his PIN. I later ran over him in the parking lot and took his 40 dollars. I then deposited it and then fast cash withdrew it out again to make myself feel better.

I am aware there exist certain ATMs that will dispense as little as a ten dollar bill, but those are in Blacksburg and it would be counterintuitive to spend 30 bucks worth of gas to get out ten dollars from a pissed on (2003) ATM in downtown. Although, I am considering it for the fact that in Blacksburg ten bucks will buy you one helluva baller night… 3 fatties and a french onion soup from Owens. But, in a place like Washington DC where a bar cover charge can literally bankrupt me, I have to be careful as if I am spinning a gigantic wheel-of-fortune each time I go out in public.

I am now a daily commuter on Metro’s Orange Line. I park at Vienna just like all the other Nova-scum that refuses to live closer to the city. I wear a backpack. I am an asshole. But I haven’t fully absorbed the Orange Line’s mentality, not yet at least.

I still find the “Orange Line rider” (Yuppis Assus orung) a spectacle unlike any other breed of prick and I observe the species behavior, take notes on what I see, and make commentary - not unlike Jane Goodall and her apes. To observe and record the Orange Liners more clearly I have outfitted my inconspicuous appearance with cleverly disguised props that are common to the Orange Line rider’s natural enviornment and wouldn’t alert them to my presence.

In my first of many exposes I have decided to share with you the most common things I have heard on a morning/evening rush. Chances are on a 40-minute ride (or roughly 3.70 fare) you will hear at least a half dozen of these idioms:

“We hit our marks for Q2 with our vendor and the client was very happy -so good things will be happening with the metrics for the next release”
“I can’t wait to go see Don’t Mess With The Zohan”
“I can’t believe they ran out of copies of the Pet Lovers Companion”
“My fiancé (insert something nauseating)”
“Is Lululemon still open this late?”
“I’m so glad the city is safe now - isn’t there a Jamba Juice in Tenley Town?”
“Did he just say a train derailed?”
“No one shall ever be good enough to enter.” (from perma-frown’s vagina)
“I have spinning classes so I can’t watch the season finale of Lost”
“Well I know I want to get a Masters because then things will really change!”
“Silver G35 or blue 3-series? I mean, I really want to stand out.”
“He went to Jared”

Next week: Fat to frumpy to deadbeat boyfriends to dead-end careers? Is there a connection to it all?

On December 30th we lost a great friend and companion, the Sony DSC-T1. Upon taking it’s 22,093rd picture the battered 5.0 megapixel camera closed its Carl Zeiss Verio-Tessar lens for the last time. It marked the end of the device’s storied history of capturing alcohol abuse, womanizing, and all out dic tailgate activity for the past 4 years.

The Japanese-born camera was found dead the following morning, New Years Eve, just moments before it was to take stage for what would undoubtedly be a typical night of debauchery requiring the snapping of 100+ images of beer chugging, face pinching, and fingers playing the role of penises.

The Sony DSC-T1 was known for grueling, intense roles that became its trademark after such showings as “Crabfest 2005″ and “Hank Blalock Incident.” Upon its first inception there were many skeptics of its durability and quality. One tall gentlemen commented that the camera was “overpriced but still sexy” and stated it was probably only purchased due to strong marketing endorsements by Aerosmith’s Steven Tyler. After breaking several of his own cameras in the lifespan of the DSC-T1 that critic is probably more impressed today, especially as we reflect back on its body of work.

It was a shocking end to a career built on such predictability. The DSC-T1 avoided the safe path in favor of a role that forced it to test it limits. The electronic outpour of emotion in the wake of the T1’s demise has been great as well. Some close to the DSC-T1 speculate it had an impact on another loss- that being the shocking end to the Dell 700m in mid-January. In its final hours, the camera, without a front housing plate, missing most screws and with identifying marks rubbed clean from its brushed metal, probably went out as anyone would have expected… taking one final, low quality, poor lighting and blurry shot in the hands of its inebriated owner.

The entire landscape of digital cameras, by all manufacturers, was changed with the release of the DSC-T1 and though some cameras played follow-the-leader while others found ways to improve upon its design and image quality, no one can question the soul and endurance that the DSC-T1 showed this world. You will be missed friend.

Donations for new camera can be sent to The DSC-T1 Memorial Fund.
As a tribute I attempted to select the best 20 images that the DSC-T1 ever captured but ended up with 500 instead… The Best Of DSC-T1

Update 1/27: I pieced together three cameras to make a “new” DSC-X1. As an organ donor the T1 will continue to take pictures in this Frankencamera (the flash and battery holder from the original DSC-T1 live on)

You may have heard that my law school’s parent school Penn State has produced two undergraduate students who decided it would be clever to go as Virginia Tech shooting victims for Halloween. Outside the fact that I have seen first hand that PSU has strength in numbers when it comes to idiotic students, I think this is really just a case of two dipshits that could have attended any school and at any school people try to be outrageous to get laid. It’s not the first time I have heard of ridiculous costumes mocking the pain of others (remember to insert picture of Jeff Butt dressed as Steve Irwin) but really it’s the pure stupidity and self-righteous nature of these two students that really is what angers me most.

The his-and-her costume pairing were exposed after pictures from a six-person Halloween party surfaced on Facebook a week ago. I’m betting the girl even changed her Facebook profile picture to show off her offensive getup… it is easier to convince a six-year-old to pull out his loose tooth than it is to try and stop a girl with a fresh Halloween picture from changing her profile pic to it.

What is the most ridiculous is the reaction from the two students since the story became headlines for newspapers over the weekend. The pair began lashing back at the public’s outcry against their costumes and have been citing their constitutional rights of free speech in their acts saying that society has no right to be upset or complain over what is essentially just free expression. Apparently no one informed the duo that such an argument cuts both ways and part of free speech is the right for others to dissent against one’s actions and views.

Now let’s just examine the other views of these fine young Penn State undergrads: “[W]e are notorious and infamous in the state college and very popular, so we have to do things that push the envelope just for shock value.” That’s an actual quote. Newsflash – six-person Halloween parties are for fucking losers (unless it’s an orgy). “This is a group of college students who now think it’s trendy to be upset about their friends being killed” one of the students said about those who have condoned their actions in a local TV interview. Wow, “trendy” about their own FRIENDS being killed – just losing ANY friend sounds mortifying but yeah, that makes sense, I think I remember hearing that its a new trend these days to embrace pain and suffering. I guess that new Hollister collection makes sense now. The pair of students also they fear that Virginia Tech students may plan to respond with bodily harm or even murder. Apparently the pair have taken every single facebook comment made about their costumes as a legitimate threat. Names of at least three people have been turned over to authorities for such threats. Virginia Tech police are investigating the claim by one of the students that he was Superpoke! bodyslammed and later forced to “decorate a christmas tree” with the same unspecified individual. And the other student has enlisted police at both campuses after receiving at least “3 zombie invitations”. Despite these intense fears one of the student’s still spoke defiantly in an interview with Roanoke Times, “That’s the problem with college students. They all live in an ivory tower of privilege.” … Wow, I didn’t realize we all live with Gandalf in middle earth. Not only is the kid an asshole, loser and hypocrite – he is also a nerd.

The two said they wanted to get it all behind them and simply move on with this painful part of their life… and really hope no one goes as them for Halloween six months from now.

12/14 Update: With his slick hair gel and crossed eyes the costume crusader continues to act like a prick on national TV: video