You know, a week ago I was writing about FSU in the preseason poll at number 5 and I then began reminiscing about their scum-bucket-never-attended-FSU-self-proclaimed-”wild-redneck”-wearing-a-golf-shirt-douchbagy fans when it occurred to me: I really don’t know what a TRUE Florida State fan is.

Its kind of like Miami fans… I can’t imagine the “true Miami fan” is that airbrushed-RIP-t-shirt-wearing thug that never left Detroit with a big white silhouette of a “U” on his back of his glitter green dented 1995 Lexus SC300… I mean, what the Hell are you? Certainly not a true fan.

I figured I would turn to where everyone turns in a situation like this: Google. Bouncing over to the Google Image Search I typed in “FSU Fan” and got the following result (… and mind you I have not doctored these results and I recommend you click the image in this post to truly spectacle at the results I got.)

“FSU Fan”

Reaction: Right off the bat the Google search engine is curious did you mean “jenn sterger”? That slut? My god she hasn’t been at that school since 1993 - come to think of it, was she ever AT that school or did her tits just get invited to games by filthy rich alumni who are still reaping in on their great-slave-owning-grandfather’s orange futures?

If you look at the pictures almost ALL of them of are of Sterger! I mean, is that really the thing FSU is associated with? 10 years after the fact, a stripper turned sideline reporter whose most famous contribution to society was RECEIVING a picture of Brett Favre’s flaccid cock is the quinesential ”FSU fan.” 

And shit, there are like 20 different pics of her from all kinds of angles (none of which could give a goddamn about the game going on behind her). Other than Sterger you have a couple of glittered up retards, then some more Sterger softcore, and then WOMEN KISSING?! Wait, what? I mean I am all for your school having bragging rights to hot women but unless I missed something I’m pretty sure the female fans at FSU don’t go throat deep in celebration during games. Lastly there is the obligatory highly-photoshopped middle finger baby. So, in essence what we have learned is that FSU fans = Jenn Sterger’s fake tits + 3 gay men with paint on their bodies + Cinemax + a baby. Great, that really cleared it up.

Maybe to be fair I’ll just try Googling “FSU” by itself…

“FSU”

Reaction: Holllllly fuck its her all over again? Jesus people don’t you have any other humans associated with your school? Maybe an astronaut, an actor, a fucking local weatherman?!? And perhaps I missed something in my 17+ years searching for porn on the Internet (or Gopher as it was back in 1992) is “FSU” is some kind of universal search term for titties, Sterger’s titties to be exact? I mean you can just Google her name by itself and practically get the same results! This is honestly pathetic and to the several hundred true FSU fans I feel a bit sorry for you.

So I guess my conclusion is that this pretty much represents FSU fans… well, no, that’s not fair, I guess THIS represents FSU… Hmmm well I guess its all better than the truth, people.

EDIT: Apologies for the run on adjectives - I italicized them for more frustrated reading.

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The first preseason NCAA football poll is out and Virginia Tech is smack dab in the middle of the Top 25 at number 13. This isn’t too bad considering some of the projections out there had the Hokies as far back as 19 or 20 although it should be noted that once you get past top dozen or so the rest of the teams kind of run together like dashboard vomit.

The Hokies almost always make it in to the preseason poll (see 2004) and have bounced around from 7th, to 9th, a couple 10 spots, and it seems a handful of 17 slots. This is a good position however as it sets up the Hokies to have a good off-the-radar presence that allows them to sneak up rapidly on the big names as the season goes on (has worked plenty of times for teams like West VA, Ohio State, and Mario Kart Wii drivers who get a bullet).

We hide. We wait for Georgia Tech.

Of particular note is that Florida State is the highest ranked team (5) without a first place vote. Is this the football gods setting up a great potential ACC Championship game? Will Dr. Pepper and Primitive Radio Gods be rewarded for signing on to the game? It will require that both teams stay atop their respective ACC divisions and not eat foot-dick on teams like App. State and Directional Michigan.

Still, to look so far ahead is obviously not a good idea, what with the Alabama, Boise State/JMU, ECU starts we have had in seasons past who can blame a fan for biting their nails at a home opener against Appalachian State? (they’re hot hot ho… nevermind).

The thought of silencing those tomahawk chops for a second straight year sounds wonderful, though we could beat the Seminoles 9000 times in a row and their brainless fans would continue to chop having no idea why they are doing it and no idea what Tallahassee looks like and no idea why they keep siding with the GOP and hold up “I’m Joe the Plumber” signs even though their family take-home is 180k shy of what they consider a “black president’s attempt to rob the wealthy.” It would still be nice to get another win in on them this year as 1999 will never be forgotten… oh wait that kind of waters down that other thing Hokies will never forget, but you know what I mean.

Lets find a way to do it again.

Kyle Tucker handed down some of the most wonderful news today. Its the kind of news that makes you want to break out in to choreographed song and dance…

(light beat builds)

“Did you hear?”

“Hear what?!”

(laughing) “Well the news that’s what!”

(entire ensemble joins in on the scaffolding stage resembling the North Endzone)

“THE GREAAATTEEESSSTTT NEEEWSSS OF ALL - THAT STINEFUCKS FINALLY NO LONGER GOING TO CALLLLLLLLLLL….”

(comic relief played by an overweight Al Groh) “The plaaaaaayyyyyyyys?”

[STAGE FREEZE!]

That’s right - Bryan Stinespring has been stripped from his duties as the play caller of the Hokies offense. It’s kind of a laterally-down-promotion since he is still considered Offensive Coordinator but it shows that Uncle Frank really is serious about shaking things up this off season. With the move of Billy Hite and the hiring of two young assistants, this is the most drastic change I have known to happen to VT staff since I started following the team

Of course the end of a tyrant does not mean the end to tyranny - but hopefully with a new quarterback at the helm and an an ongoing expectation that the defense will “reload” rather than rebuild, I believe that this may be the next step in taking the team from the nerve-racking same-old-crap consistency of 10-3 to becoming a main stage contender that will improve upward under new leadership. Either way it is the greatest thing I have heard out of my alma mater since learning about flex meal plans. Bravo Frank!

And so here we are - an improbable outcome to a most disappointing start to the season. Although it may have taken 11 games to finally look like the National Champion hopeful Hokies team that we all had twinkling moments of hope to witness at the start of the season the main reason we are here is one Tyrod Taylor.

Despite all his maturity and poise during the game, you still couldn’t help getting the impression that he was having a great time out there and really felt as though the team was his to command. It may be the kind of leadership that has been missing from ON the field that has made it so hard for the Hokies to string together a full season of wins in years past.

Tyrod cut through third and longs, punished Florida State when they rushed in on him, and … well, punished Florida State when they didn’t rush in on him. He made so few mistakes that for once it felt like our offense was something I have never called it before - automatic. Deserving of the ACC player of the year and deserving of all the credit he has been given for the turnaround, Tyrod is making a case for one of my favorite Hokie players of all time.

Up until the final minutes of the game I was never fully certain the Hokies could keep Florida State down. Panic set in two weeks ago as it became clear that the choking NC State Wolfpack would not represent the Atlantic division and instead it would be the always fearsome Seminoles — a team that seems so good at spoiling our fun. But what good is a run through the ACC without taking down the most evil team along the way? It would be like Star Wars saga ending with Darth Vader heading to the Gator Bowl. To hear that tomahawk chop once more, echoed again and again by mindless Seminoles fans who never once stepped foot on FSU’s campus, made my blood boil.

But as the last few fans turned their slicing hands in to upturned palms of disgust as headed to the door, it seemed a fitting confirmation that the Hokies were not simply lucky this season but really had become THE leader of the ACC - a crown achievement that so many believed was written in pencil. After picking up a third trophy in the ACC Championship game’s short history (and 4th title for VT), many are taking note that the tides have not just changed direction but that the water is orange and maroon.

Looking ahead in hopes of putting an explanation point at the end of a season that began full full of typos, the Hokies are returning to the Orange Bowl, where they might as well leave a set of uniforms and a few tuba players since we end up there so often, to take on a BCS #4 Stanford in 4 weeks.

Here’s to crossing another one off the list.

Rivals is putting Bryan Stinespring on the short list of best 20 O.C. in the country?? Scoring 29+ points seven eight games in a row when you call the same game over and over does not automatically mean you should be considered great — its just that the impact of your miserable play-calling is offset by the talent you have on the field.

Beating Miami brought the Hokies one step closer to a BCS bowl and the ability to cross the most important goal off the list. Though the Hokies were in a nice position by which they had to only win one game against Miami OR Virginia, they kept their winning streak going and shined on national television against a ranked opponent and tough rival.

I will admit I was worried about the Miami game well before the season began and I really never felt comfortable until Williams rumbled through the secondary for his 80+ yard TD run (which of course just encourages Stinespring to try that play a million more times this season).

The Hokies did exactly what Gameday analysts said would ensure a Hokies win - cause turnovers - and they caused a lot (6). It felt like old Hokie football that we know and love. But we also got a quick glimpse of the potential future of Hokie football in the form of Logan Thomaswho came out without any warm up and delivered a pass on 3rd and very long after Tyrod came out with an injury.

The last game of the regular season against UVA has been announced as a noon kickoff, its a game that the Hokies should handle down in Blacksburg but of course the rivalry games are always difficult to predict. The Hokies would lock up a 10 win season and complete the regular season ACC sweep, so there is more than just protecting a rank on the line and I believe and trust that Tyrod’s appetite for winning will remain rabid.

Here’s to crossing another one off the list.

With eyes on the prize the Hokies finally swatted away the pesky Yellow Jackets after a nervous Thursday Night down in Blacksburg (fight song still in my head) and took care of Yates and the Tar Heels on Saturday. Now the Hokies need one win between Miami and UVA to stamp a ticket to Hell on Earth, Florida Jacksonville Charlotte and the ACC Championship game.

Going back two wins, the Hokie fans rushed the field after the Georgia Tech game and people moaned about it. But it was a great slump buster for the Hokies - who have lost every game coming of the bye week for 4 straight seasons. Plus, if history in the ACC tells us anything it is the winner of the VT/GT game always ends up with the ACC championship trophy at the end of the season. So go ahead and celebrate you drunk assholes statistics tell us you were just starting the party early for the ACC crown.

And of course after beating UNC it looks like we are in full control playing out the season against Miami and EwwwwVeeeeAaa. Needless to say, all of this is a great turn of events from where the season began: to be in control of our own destiny after it appeared that the only destiny we had control over was adspace for ESPN’s new GOAL LINE channel. And honestly, you’d think ESPN would at least block out that particular banner ad on the Hokies Football Clubhouse page… I know I’d rather see ads covered in bouncing babies with cleft lips that yells out in a loud female voice “CONGRATULATIONS! You have just been awarded 900 new iPads”  flashing in and out of red and blue bold text than be constantly reminded of that miserable day back in September while I’m sitting in front of my computer.

And although now is not the time to get on a soap box and rant about scheduling a FCS in-state rivalry game less than 5 days after your season opener against one of the toughest and most-hyped teams in the nation, it is still worth reflecting upon. So whether the scheduling snafu blame lies with Jim Weaver, Frank Beamer, Dan Snyder or someone else I will wait to explore in a later post after the season ends. But I digress - what I wanted to say is that I do recall that after the first week  the Hokies were 0-1 and yet they were still ranked a respectable #13 in the nation. Putting that abortion of a week two game to the side and assuming for a second that the shitstain JMU alumni you work with never got to enjoy their greatest night of their lives ever - inside of Ballston Common Mall - the Hokies would now be sitting right behind the last 4 remaining undefeated teams in the country - either as #5 or maybe #6 behind Wisconsin. The nation would also be a buzz about a #2 Boise State who would have a much higher rank in the BCS with a quality win over the nation’s fifth highest ranked team.

Despite getting kicked from the rankings in week three, the Hokies have crawled Andy Dufresne style through the remainder of their schedule and find themselves just one slot behind where they were at week two. Now it is up to these last 2 (hopefully 3) games of the season before the bowls begin for the Hokies to look back on how far they have come and press on to the finish line - even if its just the Orange Bowl against an unranked 6-loss Pittsburgh (EDIT: I.H. points out that Orange doesn’t have the last draw for the BCS this year so whatever turd log floats out of the Big East conference this season will get shipped in a flaming paper bag to the Fiesta Bowl - thankfully.)

Here’s to crossing another one off the list.

Just in case people are getting excited about the Hokies rebound in 2010, make sure you keep things in perspective…

Stinespring is still horrible. Stinespring is still predictable. Stinespring is still a major reason why we have two loses.

Not that firebryanstinespring.com has forgotten this (nice redesign btw) but Bleacher Report is hosting a great piece on the woes of Stinespring and does a nice job of showing that even the Hokies last 6 wins came under direction of terrible coaching by Stinespring.

Every Hokie fan should at least read the article - I’ll leave it up to you whether you want to accept the fact we need to fire/reassign our OC even if our offense ranks in the top 20. Demand more, demand more, demand more otherwise don’t come crying after our 2011 opener against Appalachian State.

Cross another one off the list - the Hokies are now bowl eligible. Joining Florida State as the only 6-win team in the ACC, the Hokies did a great job shutting down Duke on Saturday. It was an important win before the Hokies tough 3 game stretch against Georgia Tech, UNC and Miami.

The long pass threat was contained and with the exception of a second half onside kick that caught the special teams off guard, all sides of the ball played very well. Tyrod continued his excellent season reminding us that we should have been talking more about him in the off season and rather than drooling over what looked to be a super potent running game.  I’ll leave the compliments of Tyrod’s gameplay to Duke’s David Cutcliffe: “It all starts with Taylor. You give him opportunities and he’s going to make the most of them. I don’t see a college quarterback playing any better in the country. Period. He might be the best dual-threat quarterback in the country. He might be the best quarterback in the country. He made some throws that were unbelievable.”

The 44 points marked the 4th consecutive 40+ point game for the Hokies, a record, and a source of momentum leading from the bye week in to Georgia Tech’s Thursday night game down in Blacksburg, a game that we hope Bud Foster has prepared well for following last year’s loss.

Here’s to crossing another one off the list.