My buddy’s blog post about the affordability of housing in Washington made me curious of whether or not I could afford one of the SMALLEST homes in all of suburban Washington DC.

I believe I have found this “home of my dreams” in Old Town Alexandria. There is a tiny house on the brick lined sidewalks of Queen Street which has been called affectionately a “spite house” –or a house built just out of spite. The house was built in 1830 by a home owner who lived next to an alleyway thoroughfare used by horse-drawn wagons. The man was sick of horses taking shits all over the walls and on the ground near his home and didn’t want to put up with any more horse-like bullshit. In response to the feces, he erected a house in between his own and his neighbor’s across the alley.

The home is  7 feet wide, 25 feet deep for a total of 325-square-foot spread out over two-stories. Its walls are still made from the neighboring homes’ exterior and still contain gouges from wagon-wheel hubs and horse ass. A family of three currently live there. Granted there may be homes smaller than this one, or in a crappier neighborhood, or perhaps buying a condo efficiency would be cheaper, but if I am going to live like I am on the bottom deck of a Carnival Celebration cruise boat I think I should at least get to live in a nice area and without condo fees.

According to Zillow.com this tiny house is worth approximately $292,000.

I can’t afford this price. FML.

Rob Dibble doesn’t work in baseball… even though he thinks he does. Once a feared pitcher and part of the Cincinnati Red’s “Nasty Boys” bullpen, Dibble seems to be more akin to participate in childish sandlot spats than doing his job as a baseball commentator for the Washington Nationals. In reality, Rob Dibble only works for the world of Rob Dibble.

Always quick to turn the situation to himself and highlight his career as a professional ballplayer, Dibble has become almost unbearable to listen to. If the conversation isn’t going Dibble’s way he will be the first to let you know that he’s not happy and bitch and moan for at least a few innings– so I am doing the same thing now. I have tried to like Dibble from the first exposure I had to him on Fox Sports. His direct and brash approach was an acceptable spice to a normal baseball coverage recipe, but when you give him 1/2 the spotlight the flavor just burns your nostrils.

I am not alone in this hate campaign either. Ever since Dibble took over for Don Sutton in the commentator’s booth at the start of the 2009 season I have watched as more and more writers have joined in this opinion. Although it is hard to put my finger on the exact reason for my animosity, I think it is a combination of Dibble’s unconvincing sincerity to the Nationals (and not to himself) and the uncontrollable anger that inevitably gets the best of him any time his boat is even remotely rocked. For now, it appears Dibble has settled in to an “understanding” with Bob Carpenter during the Nats’ broadcasts where his co-host knows just to stay clear of any kind of argument (let alone engaging conversation) with his color-man the entire broadcast. Speaking of color-man, cool purple shades Dibbs - I guess you never know when you might need to fight off glare when you are rocketing one past Steve Sax from the broadcast booth.

For me the real breaking point was last week: in perhaps the most disturbing display of his uncontrollable conniption-fits, Dibble got in to with his co-host Jody MacDonald on XM Radio’s The Show after a caller directly asked Dibble if he would have acted differently than Nats Manager Manny Acta in a questionable switch involving slugger Adam Dunn. Dibble was absolutely convinced that the caller was setting him up to second guess the Nats skipper - something he had been in hot water for earlier in the month. Instead of handling the situation like a professional and dismissing the caller as a potential heckler, Dibble ripped in to a calm and collected MacDonald as “not standing up” for his fellow man. Undertones of arrogance drenched Dibble’s microphone as he seemed to liken the situation to an on-field physical attack from an opposing batter who had rushed the mound. MacDonald pleaded with Dibble that the question may have been “legitimate” but Dibbs seemed determined to fester and whine about the caller for much of the show’s remaining hour. Since that afternoon The Show hasn’t seemed the same and I have noticed that MacDonald appears less frequently alongside Dibble. I hope that they aren’t trying to send off MacDonald, the bigger man in the whole situation, the same way they quietly said goodbye to Charlie Steiner (I think both men really connect well with baseball fans).

How did I miss this vote?

I will admit that Dibble is often times critical of the Nationals - and critical to a point that is necessary and refreshing for a team that is struggling to not only win games but also retain fans that may be yearning to hear someone close to the organization admit the club’s faults. I just can’t rationalize why Dibble then goes on the defensive as well, claiming that he is a part of the team and “we” as a “team” are doing “our” best to win and everyone should just back off the negative comments. If I didn’t know any better I would say this bicephalous behavior was the work of a control freak owner like Dan Snider wispering in his earpiece or that its just Dibble kicking and screaming when the situation isn’t focused enough on him.

In the end he may be one of only a select few pitchers to have stuck out 3 men in an inning using only 9 pitches - but it seems to me that all that remains of Rob Dibble is a nasty attitude.

UPDATE:  On September 2, 2010 The Washington Post reported Rob Dibble was let go by the Nationals after his tough love comments about Stephen Strasburg landed him in hot water. I will say that since the time I wrote this blog post I have come to like Dibble a bit, solely for his place on the MLB XM Radio morning show “First Pitch” because he would often times bring to the conversation what he had observed from his (now former) job with the Nationals. It kept more attention than would have otherwise been there on the Nats, which I definitely appreciated. Now we’ll see if that means he will scorn the team at every chance now that they have parted ways. Adios Dibbleos!

Observation: Assholes drive BMW 3 Series and Honda Accord Coupes. For instance, let’s say you are driving in the Northern Virginia region, and let’s say you are going with traffic (10 miles over the limit), and you are in the RIGHT lane, without fail someone will STILL come right up on your ass – and I am telling you now it’s going to be a BMW 3 Series or a Honda Accord Coupe.

I was intrigued at why there was such a strong correlation between assholes and these types of cars and after further research I believe I have unlocked the minds of those behind the wheel*:

The BMW 3 Series Owner: Welcome to entry level luxury, douche. Clearly, you have waited so long to finally put this feather in your cap and now you better show the world that you are the shit. That’s right, that Accounting Information Systems Degree DID pay off — and you will be too for the next 65 months of your car loan. And of course you didn’t spring for the 5 Series, after all you just narrowly reached the echelon of luxury car ownership and you had to put your mark on Arlington as quickly as possible. Your friends are sick of you, your personalized license plate, and your constant gripes about paying $200 for an oil change at the “beamer house” where you know (insert Turkish name here). Peeling out of Carpool is also about as cool as a bazooka tube in your trunk. So why must you shove your $33,000 front end up my ass? Well apparently it’s because there isn’t much going for you under the hood. From a former BMW 3 Series owner himself: “Overall it’s an entry level luxury car and it seems that a lot of people bought it thinking that because it’s a BMW it had damn well better be as fast as a sports car. While this may have been somewhat true a few years ago, the recent power increases were left out of 3 series and it really got to some people and yes, they do have their panties in a bunch so they need to race anything on the road in second gear.” I get it BMW 3 Series owners, you have a BMW - in this area its like having a DSW Club Card, no one gives a shit, so stop flaunting it like you are the pimp of the highway wearing a wolf t-shirt and every non-European car is a skank whore who rims you for a cap.

The Accord Owner: I see you are driving a black (or silver), ’98 to ’02 model year, sports coupe (look for this back-end), badass piece of Japanese engineering there, you asshole. I know you loved that Civic SI you had out of college and “supping” it up was one of your favorite hobbies next to profusely masturbating to Fast and the Furious. But now, you’re refined, chic, and have a job which requires a laminated badge … you need to be in something more serious. You know from days of driving your lowered Civic (or you heard from your parents) that nothing runs as well as a Honda engine so you went back to the dealer to find a car that suits the new you. You have a few speeding tickets, but you “paid that shit off” because you “don’t give a shit about the law” but for some reason you will only speed between stretches of highway where you know there will be no cops and although you feverishly switch lanes trying to scoot one car ahead in bumper-to-bumper Route 66 traffic you ALWAYS remember to use a turn signal, what a nice asshole you are.

The next time you are driving around the beltway (in Virginia) or have the enjoyment of riding along 66 anytime there is heavy traffic (4am to 2am) and someone comes flying up on your rear end acting like Deathproof, let them pass and take note, chances are it will be either a 3 Series or Accord.

*I am aware that the major flaw in my argument is that I may have picked the two MOST COMMON cars in the Northern Virginia area (next to G35 and Focus Hybrid) but it still astounds me to how often dicks end up being behind the wheel of one of those two car makes.

I know I said I wouldn’t get political on DT but this just pisses me off the same way cover charge at TOTS does…

The (tivo’d) debate I watched tonight talked a lot about an average Joe plumber by the name of Joe Wurzelbacher. Insert Google search. Well it stinks to high hell of complete bullshit staged by the GOP.

Actual Interview

No Spin Zone

Why does the whole thing seem so odd and so perfectly sound byted? Here’s 10 reasons it was bullshit brewed for team McBaine:

1. He begins speaking immediately as Obama comes near him and in a very oddly forced manner
2. He has perfect buzz phrases like “I’m being taxed more and more for fulfilling the American Dream”
3. He speaks loud and clearly as if he is aware of the sound bytes he will be creating, oh and he is in good view and lighting for those cameras
4. His name is JOE… how fucking perfect is that for the news? We’re all like Joe because thats his name
5. He says hes just a “plumber” - I’m sorry, but anyone expecting 270k in profit a year with that much of a chip on their shoulder would surely call themselves something obnoxious like a “Master Plumber” or “HVAC specialist” but I guess saying plumber makes fat mid-westerners believe that they too in the next 4 years will be just like Joe
6. He has slightly off-point follow up questions ready to go in a heartbeat as if not even listening
7. “Joe” is attractive enough to be seen on TV… repeatedly (I give that to maybe 10% of the population of Ohio)
8. He seems to have a great awareness of both candidates’ plans but seems to not recognize how insignificant his tax change will be between the two plans and confuses the meaning of the word “profit” with “revenue”
9. He’s JUST this year reaching a level where he profits “$250,000.00 uhh $270,000.00 a year” - sounds too perfect and reminds us where Obama’s cut off is
10. He said he found Obama’s presence and effort “weak” - the potential 44th President of the United States just spent 5 minutes talking to you about your whiny shit and you call it “weak”? Interesting.

By my account, Obama answered the guys questions pretty thoroughly– even though they seemed rehearsed. I personally think Joe was paid and prepped by an obscure GOP support group. We will find out this truth when Joe Schmo exposes it in 2009 for a bit more taste of fame. Staged or real, it’s really moronic to say all Americans can relate to buying 270k-a-year-profit business.

And how does one BUY a business that guarantees to make 270k-a-year in profit anyway? This guy is either smashed on oxy-cotton or has no idea what the hell it takes to make money in a small business. Just getting a stack of vistaprint business cards and a sticker for the back of your PT Cruiser with a phone number wont get you jack shit without thorough planning, investments, business contacts, clients, staff, advertising, HARD WORK… uggg whatever. If you can buy profit then why aren’t we all rich? Oh yeah and for all his whines and research he should know that a $270,000 business getting taxed under Obama’s plan would get hit for an additional 3% for earnings over 250k so he’s looking at an extra $700 or so more in taxes… wow, what a fucking crybaby. Fake Fake Fake.

I’m sick of this. Give me my “I voted” sticker, my free burrito, and get the black man in office already.

The Red Sox need to get their pitching together. No more Tampa Bay homerun derby over the wall. No more Ortiz with wrist problems. No more Varitek stinking up the plate and cheating on his wife. No more Jacoby not on base. No more suck.

Living without iPhone for four days was like living without teeth.  Now that I have safely secured a new Precious I’d like to reflect upon the major cause of my loss… no, not being drunk and no, not my dawson-cut Banana Republic dress pants with shallow pockets, the real cause of why I lost my iPhone was TAXI CABS. Within seconds of standing up out of a cab on Friday night I realized my plastic and metal love child was joyriding back to northwest DC in the backseat of our unmarked white taxi cab- never be seen again. Had I been traveling in a car I would simply have said “Hey man, can you unlock your door, my phone is on your seat.” but nooooo big yellow strikes again.

So I got to thinking, just why do we take cabs? Why on earth do we have car payments, why do we meticulously seek out parking nearby our preparties, why fill up our gas tanks and bitch about the price of gas, why do all of that only to spend around fifty dollars a night to get two short uncomfortably crammed backseat rides to and from a place to get hammered? Well there is really only one reason, to avoid playing Rad Mobile with our lives, our future, and the safety of others on the road by driving drunk.  That one small litttttle thing is all that taxis have going in their favor but it sustains an entire industry every weekend. Other than drunk transport, who the Hell takes cabs? I can only think of a few groups - people in movies, immigrants, and people who need a ride back from prison. Cabs otherwise suck in all ways possible when compared to driving. Just look at this breakdown between cabs and drunk driving…

With all of these “pros” for driving drunk why can’t we just find a way to cut out the one awful risk factor of getting arrested after plunging off the Francis Scott Key Bridge?  I have considered the options and there are a few good ones… One is to have a bed-car, kind of the inverse of a car-bed. This worked well in my old Saturn SC2 which had fold down rear  seats and a sleeping bag in the trunk, don’t tell me you’d say no to a dark cool cave after a long night of Rock Bottom dollar drafts… you simply sleep off the drunk and drive when ready.

Another option people like to throw around is Designated Drivers, but everyone knows that’s no fun and it sucks too fucking much for one person to endure so fuck that idea. But then there is installing an interlock device on your car so that you can’t start it unless you are within the legal limits. Now hear me out here, I know it sounds crazy to self-impose an interlock system on your car but if it actually guaranteed you wouldn’t drive drunk and you were posed the question of having a way to prevent any chance of getting a DUI, would you turn down a 200 dollar investment in forever preventing one? Granted this doesn’t solve the problem of starting the car then drinking en route to your destination and being hammered by the time you arrive, but on the upside it would make strangers think your a fucking lunatic when you tell them you have a self-installed vehicle inhibiting device on your car.  There are other options out there as well, so get creative in your safe driving practices, just don’t let the cabs win. Cabs steal your money, then they steal your hopes and dreams, and then your iPhone… and that’s something a police officer, the courts of law, or a guilty conscience can never take from you.

Chris Cooley put his penis on his blog. This dog escaped. People seem to be really upset at the collapse of Lehman Brothers (at the 45 second mark). The country is falling to shit and all we can do is be excited at the return of Entourage?  If that is the silver lining then we are all fucked and I’m moving to Grenada.

Not trying to get politico on anything but I refuse allow the party currently in power and more responsible for this crap economy/war/dancing with the stars bullshit to get away with another 4 years if McCain is elected. I could care less what the issues are in this election, I don’t care what either party is promising, even if they want to make rainbow machines that shower burritos and gold pussies from the sky - I just want the GOP to lose. Its much like how I could care less who is coaching or playing for Florida State, I just want them to lose for all the bullshit they have done in the past. If we are going to be duped in to believing that any change can come from either political party, at least let it be from the one that’s got a bunch of half-stoned, yuppie-educated assholes chanting “Fuck Fox News” and not the God-fearing, nest-egg cowering, gun bandit middle-class bitching like hell to believe that one day they too can be part of the elite group of white sleazebags they put in office. Any easy way to pass the sniff test for the two parties: which one would you rather get drunk with?

Admittedly, McCain seems to have his credentials in order and fits the bill for a “traditional” President and yes Sarah Palin is hot and I respect her for taking staunch viewpoints on sensitive issues. On the other hand, I don’t really think that Obama could lead a team of Lemmings past level 1, but at least the man can speak with a smooth and comfortable swagger we haven’t had since Slick Willy … and isn’t that what we are looking for? These days, America might as well be an incorporated business. Its run like a company, prospers like one, the leadership relies on countless numbers of experts and cabinet members, attorneys, analysts, and market research and the monetary bottom line is truly the most important issue of them all. Under that belief, what you need at the head of any successful corporation isn’t a war veteran, or a seasoned political professional, or even someone of superior intelligence or skill - you simply need someone who looks good and sells that company’s stock like its Duke & Duke buying up orange futures. You want that CEO to make investors, employees, and the whole world believe everything is fine and to buy up the buckets of shit that the company is selling. By that token, Barack is the equivilent of a black Steve Jobs and I think he can turn around AMRCA stock and take it from a struggling CCC rating to an AA just by making things look and sound pretty behind that presidential seal emblazoned podium.

Come election time I’ll probably write-in Powdered Toast Man and get my “I Voted” sticker just to get my free burrito (they better do that again this election) and then I’m packing my carry-on bag for Grenada and wishing everyone the best ’till 2012.

Getting your post-graduate education force fed to you in thirty-five 4-hour long classes is bad enough, but having to endure a whole new crop of cocksucker students really pours salt in the wound. Though I’m sure every law school has a group of insufferable ego monsters, Barbri found a way to unearth some real county-fair blue ribbon winning fucktards in my class. They are often hard to detect until class begins and then once it does you are perilously trapped in their surrounds having to endure their mouth breathing and cock waves which pierce your brain like fiber optic piss lasers.

For those of you who have any idea what kind of person I am talking about… I know, and I am sorry - it is a nessesary evil to this profession. But for those of you who may find yourself one day in a Barbri class somewhere in the greater Washington DC area you can better know, spot, and avoid these types with my easy to follow illustrations:

I am now a daily commuter on Metro’s Orange Line. I park at Vienna just like all the other Nova-scum that refuses to live closer to the city. I wear a backpack. I am an asshole. But I haven’t fully absorbed the Orange Line’s mentality, not yet at least.

I still find the “Orange Line rider” (Yuppis Assus orung) a spectacle unlike any other breed of prick and I observe the species behavior, take notes on what I see, and make commentary - not unlike Jane Goodall and her apes. To observe and record the Orange Liners more clearly I have outfitted my inconspicuous appearance with cleverly disguised props that are common to the Orange Line rider’s natural enviornment and wouldn’t alert them to my presence.

In my first of many exposes I have decided to share with you the most common things I have heard on a morning/evening rush. Chances are on a 40-minute ride (or roughly 3.70 fare) you will hear at least a half dozen of these idioms:

“We hit our marks for Q2 with our vendor and the client was very happy -so good things will be happening with the metrics for the next release”
“I can’t wait to go see Don’t Mess With The Zohan”
“I can’t believe they ran out of copies of the Pet Lovers Companion”
“My fiancé (insert something nauseating)”
“Is Lululemon still open this late?”
“I’m so glad the city is safe now - isn’t there a Jamba Juice in Tenley Town?”
“Did he just say a train derailed?”
“No one shall ever be good enough to enter.” (from perma-frown’s vagina)
“I have spinning classes so I can’t watch the season finale of Lost”
“Well I know I want to get a Masters because then things will really change!”
“Silver G35 or blue 3-series? I mean, I really want to stand out.”
“He went to Jared”

Next week: Fat to frumpy to deadbeat boyfriends to dead-end careers? Is there a connection to it all?