Hasbro’s “Transformers” toy line received a shot to the arm from Jerry “Blow Up The Exploding Explosion” Bruckheimer’s (EDIT: Michael “Turn up the bass on the sunset” Bay’s) recent films… Unfortunately, the blockbuster movies did not try very hard at updating the robots for 2009 and kept with the early 80’s creatures having the ability to transform from dated objects such as trucks, planes, and tanks. If they decide to make a third Transformers film - and I am sure they will - I think the following robots would represent a much more suitable modern day lineup of friends and foes to run around with Toe Thumb and Drunk Shit:

REDBOXACON: Always prepared to offer the latest romantic comedy for only a buck a night, REDBOXACON dwells among us in suburban sprawls. As an Autobot his powers are as limitless as his number of DVD titles, just don’t expect there to be a copy of Bride Wars the day it comes out.

WHOLEFOODSCYLON: Just when you thought the Whole Foods salad bar couldn’t get any more intense, WHOLEFOODSCYLON’s fist will come flying out of the Chinese snow peas. This Deceptacon does NOT allow sampling, and at $6.99 a pound its really the best death machine deal in town.

LABRATRON: A combination of Autobot, Labrador Retriever, and Poodle, Labratron is mankind’s last hope and best friend. A special breed created specifically to not shed hair, this little fellow springs to life when ethnic strangers come by. His sidekick “Plasticbagatron” is never too far away to pick up the pieces left by this fierce warrior robot.

DIVORCEACON: More than meets the sixteen eyes… DIVORCEACON is a Decepticon disguised as the 8 Gosselin children. This overbearing ‘bot puts undue pressure on otherwise happy marriages and causes honest spouses to stray -usually to a slutty co-worker or thoughtful gay friend.

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