So there is this book that says you should not eat “THAT!” and it shows you a steaming hot pile of gooey cheese fries covered in ranch sauce weighing in at 2900 calories and next to that it will say instead eat “THIS!” and it shows a steaming hot plate of sweet and breaded Bloomin’ Onion weighing in at 2893 calories. (You may have seen this in Men’s Health magazine actually.)

Well, today while awaiting an install of new tires on my car (I failed state inspection 7 different ways) I walked in to the local Barnes and Nobel and began flipping through this “No-Diet Weight Loss Solution” book. I flipped to the Chipotle page and took note. They labeled the Chicken Burrito (THAT) as “Worst Mexican Entre” and instead recommend (THIS) a Chicken Burrito Salad (skipping out on the buttery rice and calorie loaded tortilla but strangely it didn’t say anything about the fatback dressing).

I also was unaware that book stores do not take fondly of people taking pictures of their products.

So I figured what the Hell… hundreds and hundreds of Chipotle burritos in my life and I have never once tried 1/5 of the menu possibilities represented by the Salad. I walked down a few doors to where the Chipotle was and stood in line. I actually felt a little bad when I walked up and faced the counter to order - like I was turning my back on beloved Chipotle or eating a Q-Doba lime chicken burrito as I stood there. I quietly spoke out “Chicken Bur- er… salad… black beans” and continued down the line. The guy in front of me, seemingly taunting my EAT THIS decision ordered a double meat and guacamole behemoth which pushed his burrito’s tortilla to an A-Rod forearm sized bulge. I paid and sat down and sighed at the step I was about to take. It felt like the whole restaurant was staring at me, calling me a “burrito pussy” under their breath. “No… you’re the pussies” I thought as I dumped half a bottle of Tabasco in to the mountain of food in front of me, attempting to restore some manhood to my meal.

I took a bite. Then another. Man THIS is pretty good! I devoured the entire bowl of greens and spicy toppings in record time and felt satisfied at both the flavor and saving 700 calories. I don’t know if I would follow the logic and instructions of the book for a complete diet (after all if a Triple Whopper with Cheese already crosses your mind during lunch time decisions, chances are you are going to die of a heart attack within the next 40 seconds) but I can say this book showed me an amazing meal in my own wheelhouse, and I am both astonished and humbled.

Then I went and ate some fucking Cold Stone Creamery. THAT shit is good.