I read today, quite hidden in the Post’s sports section, that the Football Coaches Association has announced that as of 2010 the final USA Today (a.k.a. Coaches Poll) will become anonymous. To some this may seem a minor change but to me it is a massively significant modification.

The Coaches Poll makes up one-third of the factors of who will play in the BCS championship game and to remove all accountability from the final (and most important vote) also removes all credibility of the poll. You might as well make every week anonymous if coaches will be free to put down whatever they want in the final and all-important vote.

This further dilutes the BCS as well. The BCS was already flawed in many ways, but we did have some balance between computer polls and human rankings. Thankfully the Harris poll will remain mid-season and will disclose votes (though counting Terry Bradshaw seems like a strike against the system) but the Harris often mimics the lead of the Coaches and AP polls since many of the members of the panel are made up of mainstream sports personalities, major conference presidents, and even a woman (oh shut up — until a woman has coached or played a significant role in a football game I can say that it’s bullshit). Bullshit + Bullshit + Computers = Terminator Salvation (26% Rotten Tomatoes rating).

What would be MUCH more important and helpful to the process if we did away with the awful preseason poll that is based largely on hype, fluff, and Katie Perry’s vagina antics. The preseason poll unnessarily “locks” in coaches to vote the same throughout the season, so long as nothing major happens (basically a loss for a ranked team or a top 10 knocking off another top 10). If you want to improve the system and give the coaches more freedom, don’t lock coaches in to a pre-season estimation based on nothing more than what is left of a flickering flame from a team’s performance 7 months earlier in the year and estimations on how graduating seniors and incoming young blood will impact a program.

Rant ends here.

Okay, okay, we all know Vick is out of jail and back in Virginia to serve the remainder of his sentence under home incarceration. Vick has finally been returned to society (sort of) where he can once again enjoy taking private shits and staying up late watching HGTV. Apparently, upon his arrival home, a small vigil of diehard fans congregated outside his home located in Hampton, Va to show support for the former NFL/Hokie great.

Some onlookers hope to see a glimpse of Number 7, others attempt to buy pot, yet another looks hungry

On the day of his release literally thousands of articles and commentary pieces on the ex-con player suddenly popped up online and in newspapers. Presumably these articles were written months ago but only released in the media melee that would only come with his return to freedom. Some articles have speculated on where Vick may eventually play again if reinstated and some have voiced support for giving him a second shot at living a clean and honest life, especially compared to other NFL players with (perhaps worse) legal issues, and of course there are still those luna-batshit-crazy Bichon owners who are calling for Vick to suffer the same fate as his dogs… meaning the Thunderdome? None of them are saying anything new however because we really KNOW NOTHING NEW other than the fact that Vick is out of jail and home alone with continued hopes to return to the NFL.

And while it may be an uncertainty at this moment, I renew my belief that Vick will be back in a NFL uniform by season’s end. If he will be utilized for more than a few snaps a game is yet to be seen - as is whether he can make back the $24 million he needs just to break even with his lengthy list of creditors. With that, I will hold off on my dream that one day Vick will become a Washington Redskin – if no other reason than to give me a new piece-of-shit to watch run around the field. At least it is one that I actually find interesting. I will keep supporting Vick for all the mindblowing plays I witnessed in my time at Virginia Tech, no matter where he ends up professionally … be it on a pro sports team or laying bricks with University Painters.

And who says his athletic talents are only suited for Arena Professional Football? If he is even 75% of the shell of the athlete that he was before all this went down I think he could try his hand at a number of sports, maybe even some 2012 Olympic event which involves dogs and guns (I know they have some wacky ass  shit out there that qualifies as an Olympic event), or maybe… just maybe… nahhh… would a baseball team with a record THAT good benefit from the likes of Michael Vick? Of course they could you idiots… put him in the bullpen.

So there is this book that says you should not eat “THAT!” and it shows you a steaming hot pile of gooey cheese fries covered in ranch sauce weighing in at 2900 calories and next to that it will say instead eat “THIS!” and it shows a steaming hot plate of sweet and breaded Bloomin’ Onion weighing in at 2893 calories. (You may have seen this in Men’s Health magazine actually.)

Well, today while awaiting an install of new tires on my car (I failed state inspection 7 different ways) I walked in to the local Barnes and Nobel and began flipping through this “No-Diet Weight Loss Solution” book. I flipped to the Chipotle page and took note. They labeled the Chicken Burrito (THAT) as “Worst Mexican Entre” and instead recommend (THIS) a Chicken Burrito Salad (skipping out on the buttery rice and calorie loaded tortilla but strangely it didn’t say anything about the fatback dressing).

I also was unaware that book stores do not take fondly of people taking pictures of their products.

So I figured what the Hell… hundreds and hundreds of Chipotle burritos in my life and I have never once tried 1/5 of the menu possibilities represented by the Salad. I walked down a few doors to where the Chipotle was and stood in line. I actually felt a little bad when I walked up and faced the counter to order - like I was turning my back on beloved Chipotle or eating a Q-Doba lime chicken burrito as I stood there. I quietly spoke out “Chicken Bur- er… salad… black beans” and continued down the line. The guy in front of me, seemingly taunting my EAT THIS decision ordered a double meat and guacamole behemoth which pushed his burrito’s tortilla to an A-Rod forearm sized bulge. I paid and sat down and sighed at the step I was about to take. It felt like the whole restaurant was staring at me, calling me a “burrito pussy” under their breath. “No… you’re the pussies” I thought as I dumped half a bottle of Tabasco in to the mountain of food in front of me, attempting to restore some manhood to my meal.

I took a bite. Then another. Man THIS is pretty good! I devoured the entire bowl of greens and spicy toppings in record time and felt satisfied at both the flavor and saving 700 calories. I don’t know if I would follow the logic and instructions of the book for a complete diet (after all if a Triple Whopper with Cheese already crosses your mind during lunch time decisions, chances are you are going to die of a heart attack within the next 40 seconds) but I can say this book showed me an amazing meal in my own wheelhouse, and I am both astonished and humbled.

Then I went and ate some fucking Cold Stone Creamery. THAT shit is good.

So the Caps are defying Washington sports status quo and doing well in a post-season and I am thinking “Woo hoo - something to cheer for!” but apparently I should think twice before I try and cheer for my local hockey team. Thanks to craigslist and email anonymity I have had some exposure to the Capitals fan base — and they are a rosy happy bunch.

You see, I have been trying to see a playoff game since the caps got in but I have found it hard to track down tickets at a reasonable price. Looking to not pay huge stubhub or sidewalk markups I decided to put up this message on craigslist…

Little did I know that Caps fans are VERY protective of Verizon center seating and also insanely territorial when it comes to fair weather fans. Rather than the typical craigslist responses from ticket sellers offering links to broker sites or perhaps a fan responding with a fair selling price I recieved these responses from fans who had nothing better to do than hang around craigslist waiting for someone who wanted to buy tickets:

Okay, interesting, that doesn’t really help me much, sir. I suppose I appreciate the passion and the team spirit but can’t really see the point in gloating about owning season tickets.

Then we had:

I guess real fans are also cool enough to write strangers to tell them they are real fans.

Then came this last one, for some reason I just felt like responding because it seemed like the nut case would deliver a good response… and oh how he did. I will admit there is a little white lie about me owning season tickets in there but this guy clearly sits at his computer with hockey gloves on just waiting to throw them to the ground and send a belligerent email response.

I guess that’s hockey fans for you. I don’t even own any red so I can’t say I deserve to be at the game Monday, but I don’t think my iphone belongs up my ass either.

Congress has finally set its sights on changing the Bowl Championship Series — or at least it will investigate as to why a playoff system is such a terrible idea. This debate is nothing new, but its never been brought up in the middle of Spring when most people have forgotten college football for post-season basketball, hockey, and baseball.

BCS (and ACC) coordinator John Swofford actually kept a straight face when telling congressional members today that “a playoff would threaten the existence of celebrated bowl games.” Yes, all those celebrated storied bowl games we have come to respect so much…
 

Swofford continued to spew hot trash from his mouth by saying “it will be very difficult for any bowl, including the current BCS bowls, to survive.” I am pretty sure that given the success of every other playoff system in sports, a college football playoff would be like filling up every stadium in the country to the very brim with $100 bills and then squeezing the poop out out of every male consumer aged 9-99 and stirring it around to make a moon-sized cotton candy ball of filthy rich shit. The shitty bowls that don’t get to be among the 7 tournament games can just fight it out over the scraps of money until we have a good number of bowl games determined by demand, not sponsorship dollars.

On the other hand, Rep. Joe Barton of Texas was equally out of his mind calling the BCS system “communism.” Granted I don’t particularly agree with the BCS system in its current form but I would never liken it to a Czechoslovak coup d’état. Barton was referring to the system as one that locks out the smaller conferences and focuses instead on rewarding the more profitable and larger conferences. He thinks everyone should get a shot at the Championship. A flaw in his argument may be that if we do switch to a tournament system there will always be someone on the line complaining they were left out. Even with 65 teams in the basketball brackets each March there are plenty of upset teams left looking in with anger at the selection process. Selecting 8 will be no different, and in fact much worse.

Under the proposed alternative, a new system would retire the BCS system and implement a 12-member committee (of assholes) charged with deciding who would receive 8 at-large bids in a tournament. The Sugar, Orange, Rose and Fiesta bowls would get to host the four first-round playoff games. ESPN’s 4 year deal with the BCS, worth $125 million per year, extends to the 2014 season. I am sure ESPN would gladly welcome a change to the playoff system before then however and we know our best shot is to get this done under the current Barack Obama adminstration. My guess is that by 2012 we will be watching the end of the football season in tournament format. I expect Utah, Boise State, Notre Dame, and St. Johns (PA) will all be eliminated in the first round by a combined score of 292-9.