Where was I this weekend? Well I can tell you it wasn’t at Virginia Tech’s Spring Game… No, it was in a place far more red neck than that: Talladega Superspeedway. Talladega, Alabama is a region of the country so poor and so shitkicker that they can’t even afford a proper strip club. That small omission from an otherwise regular southern landscape didn’t stop myself and four other educated men from driving twelve hours to join 200,000 “race fans” in a weekend full of loud cars, free smokless tabacco products, Nickleback playlists, and LSU tailgating tents.

I can’t really say I know what I witnessed the entire weekend, although some of it has been burned in to the back of my retinas never to be spoke of again, but I have been told that at this point I am a fully accreddited NASCAR patron. And likewise I’m not cetain what happens to me next, but I think I am supposed to get a pair of truck balls for my car and find me a woman with a 40 pound vagina bulge.

I am going to spend some time evaluating my life.