Observation: Assholes drive BMW 3 Series and Honda Accord Coupes. For instance, let’s say you are driving in the Northern Virginia region, and let’s say you are going with traffic (10 miles over the limit), and you are in the RIGHT lane, without fail someone will STILL come right up on your ass – and I am telling you now it’s going to be a BMW 3 Series or a Honda Accord Coupe.

I was intrigued at why there was such a strong correlation between assholes and these types of cars and after further research I believe I have unlocked the minds of those behind the wheel*:

The BMW 3 Series Owner: Welcome to entry level luxury, douche. Clearly, you have waited so long to finally put this feather in your cap and now you better show the world that you are the shit. That’s right, that Accounting Information Systems Degree DID pay off — and you will be too for the next 65 months of your car loan. And of course you didn’t spring for the 5 Series, after all you just narrowly reached the echelon of luxury car ownership and you had to put your mark on Arlington as quickly as possible. Your friends are sick of you, your personalized license plate, and your constant gripes about paying $200 for an oil change at the “beamer house” where you know (insert Turkish name here). Peeling out of Carpool is also about as cool as a bazooka tube in your trunk. So why must you shove your $33,000 front end up my ass? Well apparently it’s because there isn’t much going for you under the hood. From a former BMW 3 Series owner himself: “Overall it’s an entry level luxury car and it seems that a lot of people bought it thinking that because it’s a BMW it had damn well better be as fast as a sports car. While this may have been somewhat true a few years ago, the recent power increases were left out of 3 series and it really got to some people and yes, they do have their panties in a bunch so they need to race anything on the road in second gear.” I get it BMW 3 Series owners, you have a BMW - in this area its like having a DSW Club Card, no one gives a shit, so stop flaunting it like you are the pimp of the highway wearing a wolf t-shirt and every non-European car is a skank whore who rims you for a cap.

The Accord Owner: I see you are driving a black (or silver), ’98 to ’02 model year, sports coupe (look for this back-end), badass piece of Japanese engineering there, you asshole. I know you loved that Civic SI you had out of college and “supping” it up was one of your favorite hobbies next to profusely masturbating to Fast and the Furious. But now, you’re refined, chic, and have a job which requires a laminated badge … you need to be in something more serious. You know from days of driving your lowered Civic (or you heard from your parents) that nothing runs as well as a Honda engine so you went back to the dealer to find a car that suits the new you. You have a few speeding tickets, but you “paid that shit off” because you “don’t give a shit about the law” but for some reason you will only speed between stretches of highway where you know there will be no cops and although you feverishly switch lanes trying to scoot one car ahead in bumper-to-bumper Route 66 traffic you ALWAYS remember to use a turn signal, what a nice asshole you are.

The next time you are driving around the beltway (in Virginia) or have the enjoyment of riding along 66 anytime there is heavy traffic (4am to 2am) and someone comes flying up on your rear end acting like Deathproof, let them pass and take note, chances are it will be either a 3 Series or Accord.

*I am aware that the major flaw in my argument is that I may have picked the two MOST COMMON cars in the Northern Virginia area (next to G35 and Focus Hybrid) but it still astounds me to how often dicks end up being behind the wheel of one of those two car makes.