Observation: Assholes drive BMW 3 Series and Honda Accord Coupes. For instance, let’s say you are driving in the Northern Virginia region, and let’s say you are going with traffic (10 miles over the limit), and you are in the RIGHT lane, without fail someone will STILL come right up on your ass – and I am telling you now it’s going to be a BMW 3 Series or a Honda Accord Coupe.

I was intrigued at why there was such a strong correlation between assholes and these types of cars and after further research I believe I have unlocked the minds of those behind the wheel*:

The BMW 3 Series Owner: Welcome to entry level luxury, douche. Clearly, you have waited so long to finally put this feather in your cap and now you better show the world that you are the shit. That’s right, that Accounting Information Systems Degree DID pay off — and you will be too for the next 65 months of your car loan. And of course you didn’t spring for the 5 Series, after all you just narrowly reached the echelon of luxury car ownership and you had to put your mark on Arlington as quickly as possible. Your friends are sick of you, your personalized license plate, and your constant gripes about paying $200 for an oil change at the “beamer house” where you know (insert Turkish name here). Peeling out of Carpool is also about as cool as a bazooka tube in your trunk. So why must you shove your $33,000 front end up my ass? Well apparently it’s because there isn’t much going for you under the hood. From a former BMW 3 Series owner himself: “Overall it’s an entry level luxury car and it seems that a lot of people bought it thinking that because it’s a BMW it had damn well better be as fast as a sports car. While this may have been somewhat true a few years ago, the recent power increases were left out of 3 series and it really got to some people and yes, they do have their panties in a bunch so they need to race anything on the road in second gear.” I get it BMW 3 Series owners, you have a BMW - in this area its like having a DSW Club Card, no one gives a shit, so stop flaunting it like you are the pimp of the highway wearing a wolf t-shirt and every non-European car is a skank whore who rims you for a cap.

The Accord Owner: I see you are driving a black (or silver), ’98 to ’02 model year, sports coupe (look for this back-end), badass piece of Japanese engineering there, you asshole. I know you loved that Civic SI you had out of college and “supping” it up was one of your favorite hobbies next to profusely masturbating to Fast and the Furious. But now, you’re refined, chic, and have a job which requires a laminated badge … you need to be in something more serious. You know from days of driving your lowered Civic (or you heard from your parents) that nothing runs as well as a Honda engine so you went back to the dealer to find a car that suits the new you. You have a few speeding tickets, but you “paid that shit off” because you “don’t give a shit about the law” but for some reason you will only speed between stretches of highway where you know there will be no cops and although you feverishly switch lanes trying to scoot one car ahead in bumper-to-bumper Route 66 traffic you ALWAYS remember to use a turn signal, what a nice asshole you are.

The next time you are driving around the beltway (in Virginia) or have the enjoyment of riding along 66 anytime there is heavy traffic (4am to 2am) and someone comes flying up on your rear end acting like Deathproof, let them pass and take note, chances are it will be either a 3 Series or Accord.

*I am aware that the major flaw in my argument is that I may have picked the two MOST COMMON cars in the Northern Virginia area (next to G35 and Focus Hybrid) but it still astounds me to how often dicks end up being behind the wheel of one of those two car makes.

Though there is still a stinging pain from our Men’s basketball team losing three straight, this video helps put a smile on my face and remember that things could always be worse… at least we beat Duke in football.

Rather than predict Hokie Basketball games, which have become a schmasmortion of misery, I will try and throw out some thoughts for tonight’s Academy Awards. I won’t talk about the obscure foreign/short film awards, nor the visual effects and art direction awards which will surely go to Benjamin Button, nor the music awards (give those to Slumdog Millionaire), nor the best supporting actress awards since I haven’t seen enough of the films (Cruz seems to be the lock anyway), and director I believe will go to Slumdog’s Danny Boyle. But for the big guns I have come up with my predictions… and my final answer is:

Best Supporting Actor
Should Win: Someone other than Heath Ledger
Will Win: Heath Ledger

This will piss people off. I don’t care, the fact it actually pisses people off helps prove my point. Granted, the best supporting actor award often times will go to a colorful and comedic performance so its not the most coveted of Oscars to win (remember Cuba Gooding, Jr.?) but to say that Ledger was far-and-beyond the best performance of the year is simply ignorance rooted in too much posthumous hype and fanboy idolizing. The fact remains that Ledger DID put on a helluva performance, but it was in a role that really any hack could be the scene-stealing riot. Playing a depraved lunatic, scripted and directed meticulously, with great costume design and makeup did not require Ledger’s “magical” touch… you would have an equal sentiment when leaving that movie if it had been played by a currently living Ledger as you would with an Orlando Bloom or Adrien Brody. For some reason people watched what they believed was the actual deconstruction of Ledger himself and described his role as if it was Leaving Las Vegas or Midnight Cowboy but no, it was a Batman movie (but maybe the best Batman movie so who knows).

Best Acrtress
Should Win: Kate Winslet
Will Win: Kate Winslet

Kate Winslet has become one of those actresses that people exclaim “she hasn’t won one yet?” in surprise when viewing her IMDB awards page. She has been nominated now six times for supporting and lead roles and has yet to take away a golden statute. This year, she was naked in nearly half of the film in which she starred (The Reader) and grows old and weak by the end of the film. This is the kind of performance the Academy drools over and its due time to break this losing streak - even if they don’t like foreign actors.

Best Actor
Should Win: Sean Penn
Will Win: Mickey Rourke

I have not seen The Wrestler but apparently the entire film is driven by Rourke’s performance. After his Hollywood fallout the Academy will be sure to reward him with his first Oscar. Like Penn he is outspoken on George W. Bush and stands behind things the Academy likes (comebacks, difficult roles in low budget films, drug addictions) but because Rourke has not won an award yet I believe that the Academy will skip over Penn’s (possibly better) performance in favor of Rourke.

Best Picture
Should Win: Milk
Will Win: Slumdog Millionaire

The crowds all love Slumdog, and though it is a well-done and entertaining film, it is not necessarily the BEST film of this year’s lot. However, among 4 other dry or near-depressing films it shines with its child actors and punchy soundtrack. The Academy wants people to enjoy watching the Oscars and this award will be combined with Ledger’s to make for a one-two punch in ratings.

NCAA Basketball: Tonight the Hokies face UVA for their last meeting before the ACC tournament — interestingly if the tournament started today VT would play UVA in the first round as a #6 seed versus #11. VT will be without sophomore Jeff Allen after a one-game suspension was levied by Virginia Tech athletic officials in response to Allen’s middle finger gesture to Maryland fans in the Valentine’s day loss. This also adds Allen to the Vick Brothers as a fan of the one-finger salute. I expect that the Hokies can still sweep the Cavaliers following up on their victory in Blacksburg back in January. In that game Allen contributed only 3 points and 6 rebounds in 23 minutes of playing time. EDIT: Allen, we needed you. However, representing my biggest fear tonight: Virginia Tech was up by 15 points with just under six minutes to go in that first meeting between the teams and then the Cavaliers went on a tear cutting the lead back to just one point with a few seconds to go. Because of that incident (and the several other times we have seen such occurrences this season) I will not be comfortable with any lead unless its after the game is over. Incidentally, I will be in the stands trying to get under UVA’s skin - insulting the wine pairing decisions of the student section and racist Country Club membership practices of the alumni. EDIT: Those fans are horrible, old, and have stupid wives.

NFL Football: Michael Vick’s lawyers said they expected him to be out of the prison at any moment … and that was over a week-and-a-half ago. I am guessing Vick has already been quietly transferred out of general population as he awaits travel to a Newport News halfway house for the remainder of his sentance. As his release grows closer, Vick’s name has been tossed around by plenty of fans — but few team owners are willing to admit they will consider his services (keeping in mind there’s no guarantee NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell will even reinstate Vick).  On the other hand, the new upstart UFL league has open arms, and has been on the record as seeing Vick as a great opportunity for both the new league and number 7. Though the UFL may be a epic flop after its six-game schedule starts in October, nothing Vick can do (except elloctructe dogs in his touchdown celebration) could be any worse damage than what was done in the opening XFL game sideline interview with HeHateMe. And why not cut the guy a break? The federal sentencing guidelines for Vick’s crime had recommend 12 to 18 months. Well, as we know, he got 23 months instead, and he lost all his money, and finally what was left of his public image was completely destroyed. I personally think he has learned his lesson and suffered enough, but if the cat abuser scandal of this weekend has taught us anything, public outcry favors animal life much more than human life (unless you are an ape).

MLB Baseball: Is screwed. First off Alex Rodriguez is a lying sack of shit. According to A-Shit he shot up with a needle of P.E.D.s at least 36 tims over three seasons. That sounds like plausable and fair admission, but then he went on to say the drugs were provided to him by his cousin Snuffalopogus and claims to not have known what was in said needles while injecting himself and that all of it was a big naive mistake brought on because he missed out on college… or some shit like that. Okay, fine, maybe Lip Gloss is telling the truth and a 25 million dollar a year player with a private jet he relied basically on his little sister’s boyfriend who has a fake ID for things he injected in to his body three dozen times. However on a 60 Minutes special a couple years back he told Katie Couric “I’ve never been tempted to use performance-enhancing drugs” and claimed he never tried steroids. Now THAT royally pisses me off because it wasn’t like it was a grand jury forcing him to testify under penalty of law nor was it something that the media demanded he do… no… A-Dick* did that show on his own voluntary decision and lied horribly the entire time,all-the-while admiring Katie’s purse. But then again, did all these drugs even help his numbers and turn him in to the Launchpad McQuack he is now? His average homeruns-per-at-bat in 2007 was just as good as what he did during his “juiced years” and that was when he was 5 years younger… however he did lead the AL in homers those three years. As a Sox fan I don’t like the guy, but I think we are talking about a handful of homeruns and not eye-popping Brady Anderson or Sammy Sosa jumps in the power numbers. In other news, the Nationals smuggle Dominicans in to the country using corrupt Baltimore shipping docks.

Well, that was nerve racking. I have quickly learned that watching a Hokies basketball game is far more difficult to one’s stress levels than a Hokies football game… there are just too many opportunities to get upset and freak out in a basketball contest.

Truth be told, I thought we were defiantly losing the game against NC State this afternoon when the teams headed in for halftime.  And by the time we were six minutes into the second half, down 17 points, all hopes of a NCAA tournament berth were gone and I concocted this on Photoshop. However, a half hour later, when the shot clock was off and “Enter Sandman” was shaking Cassell Coliseum I had done a complete 180.

My emotions echoed something that Seth Greenberg apparently said (this according to the horrific and polarizing television game announcers and further butchered by my poor memory): “Its frustrating and hard to understand how we can go from being such a good team to such a bad team, but that’s not game-to-game, that’s what happens within a single game.” Fortunately, Virginia Tech forgot how to be a “bad team” at some point in the second half and performed well in to the overtime. The Tech win snapped a 6-game losing streak against the Wolfpack and keeps Virginia Tech in the hunt, but the Hokies have to perform well and come away with wins against the lackluster opponents in our next four ACC games (GT, UVA, Maryland, FSU). I’m keeping my fingers crossed the “good team” shows up for those.

Though it may not have gotten a Google logo in honor of the occasion, February 3rd was in fact “Signing Day” for college football recruits. Although many recruits had made up their minds long before Signing Day, there are a few players left who soak up the spotlight and, while cockily grinning, mull over a series of baseball caps (say Ohio State, Penn State, Wisconsin) before picking one up to the applause of a few superfans in the audience. When the dust settled no superstar recruits had shocked the crowd by donning a VT hat but Virginia Tech fared decently this year, landing the #24 spot for best recruitment class, according to Rivals.com. In the class of young talent is a pair of four-star defensive backs and a small collection of athletic offensive talents from within the Commonwealth.

David Wilson, considered by some to be the top prospect in the state, committed after a personal visit from Bryan Stinespring. Wilson commented later on his choice by saying he said he liked what he heard from the OC. I have my speculations that Stinespring must have said something along the lines of “I’ll be quitting next season.” Another great grab for VT was offensive utility man, Logan Thomas, who was ranked as one of the highly sought five-star recruits by Scout. He has performed well as a high school QB as well as receiver and told reporters “I don’t care which position I play as long as it’s on offense.” Tech pulled most of its recruits (unsurprisingly) from Virginia but also took in players from the Carolinas as well as Florida. Unfortunately, Hampton Roads native and five-star QB talent, Tajh Boyd, went to Clemson after seriously edit: never really considering Virginia Tech.

Tech stayed its course in comparison to other years recruitment classes. Tech has consistently ranked between 17th and 30th among national recruiting classes and history tells us we do well with what we get. I will admit, there are always plenty of reasons to want more from our coaches in the way of recruiting but for a school tucked away in the middle of southwest Virginia we are doing, in my opinion, okay. Comparing results with a school like USC (where a great majority of their recruits come from the state of California) may show a much more favorable crop to the Trojans — but when you have a state with that many athletes, great weather, and a student body made up of polished beach blonde vaginas, it’s no surprise what results. Right now I think consistency shines in Virginia Tech’s program (well … at least for defense) and we have always put forth explosive talent pruned from Virginia high schools (and now beyond), let’s hope that this #24 class is the one that shows that signing with the Hokies is signing with a championship team.