PETA, the people who tell you that eating Peeps causes anxiety for both chickens and the Easter bunny alike, have decided to rescind plans to make an animal cruelty Public Service Announcement starring Michael Vick. PETA now insists that Michael Vick submit to a “brain scan” to determine if he has a serious mental impairment (which -in their opinion- is the only reason Vick would want to put his own “family” pet in a dog fighting octagon).

PETA also gave Vick an animal empathy test (scanned copy here) on which he mustered a (highly subjective) score of 73.5% which actually isn’t half bad if you think about the fact that we already knew Vick was dumb enough to wear a hat that advertised his Bad Newz Kennel illegal dog fighting operations on national television and he thought it wise to build essentially a Doggy Death Bellagio Deathcamp Resort at his home in Surry County, VA. I scanned the test responses Vick gave, and although the answers looked as rehearsed as a first-grader spitting out a memorized verse of the Declaration of Independence in a school play, there is a certain honest humility to the answers he gave. I was impressed to see the quality of Vick’s writing… he used proper punctuation and commas, I counted several 4-syllable words, and my shit was blown away when I saw a semicolon. By comparison I don’t think that his brother Marcus can spell his name without suffocating on an empty bag of Alphabets Cereal.

So okay, Vick messed up… colossally. He wants to come back to the NFL by any means possible and clearly is willing to jump through any flaming hoops PETA tells him will help accomplish that goal, but I think he needs to give up on ever getting in that lunatic farm’s good graces. PETA will never allow Vick to live down his actions… despite serving more jail time than was recommended by the prosecutors, losing his career, his money, his endorsements, and his name. PETA is so fucking crazy that even the most stringent animal-loving-vegan crotch-forest hippies look at the things PETA does and say “Woah, these people are totally apeshit.”

Vick, if you are reading this, which you aren’t, and you want to help your image with the public then simply walk out of jail (only once released please) and face the media cameras directly on your own. Tell them all (PETA, Nancy Grace, the white guy who bought your Nike shoes) that you are deeply sorry for what you have done BUT also remind them you are only one person: a person who has served time for your crimes and lost everything with nothing left to give but your word. Shave your eyebrows off to show them how serious you are.

Then when you go and join the 49ers training camp just try and ignore all the boos and protesters- they will become thinner and more distant in enough time. Number 7 jerseys will begin to populate the bay area and you will once again find yourself in Young Jeezy lyrics. Then finally after enough time has passed you will walk out on to field many seasons later as “the man who overcame a very difficult time to become a football hero again”. On that day your boos will be drowned out (like pitbulls) in the echoing cheers of your fans and finally, at that moment, you will have learned the true meaning of the golden rule (at least for half credit).