Living without iPhone for four days was like living without teeth.  Now that I have safely secured a new Precious I’d like to reflect upon the major cause of my loss… no, not being drunk and no, not my dawson-cut Banana Republic dress pants with shallow pockets, the real cause of why I lost my iPhone was TAXI CABS. Within seconds of standing up out of a cab on Friday night I realized my plastic and metal love child was joyriding back to northwest DC in the backseat of our unmarked white taxi cab- never be seen again. Had I been traveling in a car I would simply have said “Hey man, can you unlock your door, my phone is on your seat.” but nooooo big yellow strikes again.

So I got to thinking, just why do we take cabs? Why on earth do we have car payments, why do we meticulously seek out parking nearby our preparties, why fill up our gas tanks and bitch about the price of gas, why do all of that only to spend around fifty dollars a night to get two short uncomfortably crammed backseat rides to and from a place to get hammered? Well there is really only one reason, to avoid playing Rad Mobile with our lives, our future, and the safety of others on the road by driving drunk.  That one small litttttle thing is all that taxis have going in their favor but it sustains an entire industry every weekend. Other than drunk transport, who the Hell takes cabs? I can only think of a few groups - people in movies, immigrants, and people who need a ride back from prison. Cabs otherwise suck in all ways possible when compared to driving. Just look at this breakdown between cabs and drunk driving…

With all of these “pros” for driving drunk why can’t we just find a way to cut out the one awful risk factor of getting arrested after plunging off the Francis Scott Key Bridge?  I have considered the options and there are a few good ones… One is to have a bed-car, kind of the inverse of a car-bed. This worked well in my old Saturn SC2 which had fold down rear  seats and a sleeping bag in the trunk, don’t tell me you’d say no to a dark cool cave after a long night of Rock Bottom dollar drafts… you simply sleep off the drunk and drive when ready.

Another option people like to throw around is Designated Drivers, but everyone knows that’s no fun and it sucks too fucking much for one person to endure so fuck that idea. But then there is installing an interlock device on your car so that you can’t start it unless you are within the legal limits. Now hear me out here, I know it sounds crazy to self-impose an interlock system on your car but if it actually guaranteed you wouldn’t drive drunk and you were posed the question of having a way to prevent any chance of getting a DUI, would you turn down a 200 dollar investment in forever preventing one? Granted this doesn’t solve the problem of starting the car then drinking en route to your destination and being hammered by the time you arrive, but on the upside it would make strangers think your a fucking lunatic when you tell them you have a self-installed vehicle inhibiting device on your car.  There are other options out there as well, so get creative in your safe driving practices, just don’t let the cabs win. Cabs steal your money, then they steal your hopes and dreams, and then your iPhone… and that’s something a police officer, the courts of law, or a guilty conscience can never take from you.