I have come to add tuna fish to my wheelhouse of “I’ll always eat it” foods complimenting nicely to pulled pork sandwiches, banana peppers, and Chipotle.  There is no other product that comes served in a can at such a low price that mixes so beautifully with Miracle Whip and can be eaten on salad, crackers, bread, asscracks… you name it and I’ll eat that shit. And the funny thing is, its pretty good for you. High in protein, low in fat, no sugars… its a wonder that people don’t go around drinking tuna smoothies. I patented that idea by the way.

Tuna is the perfect blend of salt and fish stink. Its just strong enough to easily remind you that you had it for lunch a hour or so after you have had the last bite, but meek enough that one piece of gum will eradicate its odor and taste for the rest of the day. Of course one of the greatest magic tricks tuna can pull is tuna salad. Tuna salad is the crown jewel of the Subway Five Dollar Footlong Menu and will never disappoint no matter what the occasion. It was the blockbuster 2-dollar Sheetz sub. And don’t even get me started on a rare sushi grade tuna.

I have heard that the species is rapidly becoming extent and at these prices I can see why.  If it ever does make the endangered species list I will definitely become the mustached villain poacher who spends the rest of his life murdering and eating up these bastards until I am swallowed by a whale. I say we hunt them all down and can up as much of this shit as we can (since it has a 10 year shelf life) and never look back.