Well that was a fun little chapter in my life. As of tomorrow, October 1st I will officially be going back to my first “real” job in almost 3 and a half years. In all the time I was away from legitimate adult responsibilities I definitely learned a great deal of knowledge from my studies and experienced a whole lot from the people and places I surrounded myself for that time.  I can be pleased that I will go from being a drunk moron student to simply a drunk moron and though I have accumulated great debt while away from the working world, I am better off than if I had bought a house instead of going to back school (foreclosure is a bitch isn’t it?).

Moving on has never been a bad thing though. Every time I close the chapter of one story in my life, a unique new one begins. I don’t really want to return or relive any of the old chapters of my life but I do like skimming them over from time to time. This chapter was probably a bit verbose and some of the pages, now smeared with liquor and piss, are nearly illegible, where as other pages may have been ripped out to block out traumatic studying experiences and still other pages may be taped back in to future chapters. As I metaphorically yank out the last page from the typewriter, I ponder whether to crumple it up and bank shot in to the trash or lay face down on the other pages from this chapter, do I want it to end? Well, I can say I am both relieved and happy at this point, but also sad and without a clear direction… but then I smile… because I know how this new chapter starts off with… “So the Red Sox were in the post season and the Yankees weren’t” and its perhaps the best start to any of my chapters since I began with “There I was balls deep in this hooker” …but you all already know that one by now.

PS: I still have my Accenture business cards, my DLA security badge, a more attractive body, and a Nextel lanyard for sale if anyone is interested in buying my life where I left it off in 2005.

I did some covert ops on the Nebraska Cornhuskers earlier in the month and I can tell you that this week’s game is going to be a tough one. The Huskers look to be a continuous threat offensively (in the game I attended they laid dormant most of the first two quarters before breaking out in to some big plays and racking up insurance TDs by the end of the game - like playing Hurst in Madden). I fear that there is a number explosive players on the Nebraska offense and they will be the biggest threat to the Hokies. Primarily, I hope we will be able to cover receivers and prevent the long ball attack.

Our greatest strength lies in Tyrod Taylor who can showcase moves Nebraska probably haven’t seen much of in the Big 12. Hopefully Tyrod can break plays open and get down the field for scores on his feet when needed but we also need to call more pass plays on first and second downs. Stinespring’s decisions were heavily questioned throughout the UNC game by a pair of commentators who needed only one game to see why Hokie fans get so frustrated with his play calls. Although the same announcers also droned on and on about Sean Glennon and how he was a fantastic quarterback in our home opener, seemingly glossing over his two opening play drive-killing interceptions, so I don’t know how reliable they are. In the end I think that it will be a great primetime game between two teams ranked just outside the top 25 and the winner will likely find themselves with a spot on the big board for the win.

Bo Pelini lets see what you got… If the (6 point favorite) Huskers score 35 points I think we lose for sure, if not, I think we have an outside shot at the win. Even if we do fall on Saturday to Nebraska, I can’t think of a more polite and enjoyable fan base to savor a victory nor a college town/state capital that I’d like see us lose in more. Those people were salt of the earth, and I have no idea what that means.

Score Prediction (only if we hold the Huskers to under 35): Virginia Tech 34, Nebraska 28

Living without iPhone for four days was like living without teeth.  Now that I have safely secured a new Precious I’d like to reflect upon the major cause of my loss… no, not being drunk and no, not my dawson-cut Banana Republic dress pants with shallow pockets, the real cause of why I lost my iPhone was TAXI CABS. Within seconds of standing up out of a cab on Friday night I realized my plastic and metal love child was joyriding back to northwest DC in the backseat of our unmarked white taxi cab- never be seen again. Had I been traveling in a car I would simply have said “Hey man, can you unlock your door, my phone is on your seat.” but nooooo big yellow strikes again.

So I got to thinking, just why do we take cabs? Why on earth do we have car payments, why do we meticulously seek out parking nearby our preparties, why fill up our gas tanks and bitch about the price of gas, why do all of that only to spend around fifty dollars a night to get two short uncomfortably crammed backseat rides to and from a place to get hammered? Well there is really only one reason, to avoid playing Rad Mobile with our lives, our future, and the safety of others on the road by driving drunk.  That one small litttttle thing is all that taxis have going in their favor but it sustains an entire industry every weekend. Other than drunk transport, who the Hell takes cabs? I can only think of a few groups - people in movies, immigrants, and people who need a ride back from prison. Cabs otherwise suck in all ways possible when compared to driving. Just look at this breakdown between cabs and drunk driving…

With all of these “pros” for driving drunk why can’t we just find a way to cut out the one awful risk factor of getting arrested after plunging off the Francis Scott Key Bridge?  I have considered the options and there are a few good ones… One is to have a bed-car, kind of the inverse of a car-bed. This worked well in my old Saturn SC2 which had fold down rear  seats and a sleeping bag in the trunk, don’t tell me you’d say no to a dark cool cave after a long night of Rock Bottom dollar drafts… you simply sleep off the drunk and drive when ready.

Another option people like to throw around is Designated Drivers, but everyone knows that’s no fun and it sucks too fucking much for one person to endure so fuck that idea. But then there is installing an interlock device on your car so that you can’t start it unless you are within the legal limits. Now hear me out here, I know it sounds crazy to self-impose an interlock system on your car but if it actually guaranteed you wouldn’t drive drunk and you were posed the question of having a way to prevent any chance of getting a DUI, would you turn down a 200 dollar investment in forever preventing one? Granted this doesn’t solve the problem of starting the car then drinking en route to your destination and being hammered by the time you arrive, but on the upside it would make strangers think your a fucking lunatic when you tell them you have a self-installed vehicle inhibiting device on your car.  There are other options out there as well, so get creative in your safe driving practices, just don’t let the cabs win. Cabs steal your money, then they steal your hopes and dreams, and then your iPhone… and that’s something a police officer, the courts of law, or a guilty conscience can never take from you.

I have come to add tuna fish to my wheelhouse of “I’ll always eat it” foods complimenting nicely to pulled pork sandwiches, banana peppers, and Chipotle.  There is no other product that comes served in a can at such a low price that mixes so beautifully with Miracle Whip and can be eaten on salad, crackers, bread, asscracks… you name it and I’ll eat that shit. And the funny thing is, its pretty good for you. High in protein, low in fat, no sugars… its a wonder that people don’t go around drinking tuna smoothies. I patented that idea by the way.

Tuna is the perfect blend of salt and fish stink. Its just strong enough to easily remind you that you had it for lunch a hour or so after you have had the last bite, but meek enough that one piece of gum will eradicate its odor and taste for the rest of the day. Of course one of the greatest magic tricks tuna can pull is tuna salad. Tuna salad is the crown jewel of the Subway Five Dollar Footlong Menu and will never disappoint no matter what the occasion. It was the blockbuster 2-dollar Sheetz sub. And don’t even get me started on a rare sushi grade tuna.

I have heard that the species is rapidly becoming extent and at these prices I can see why.  If it ever does make the endangered species list I will definitely become the mustached villain poacher who spends the rest of his life murdering and eating up these bastards until I am swallowed by a whale. I say we hunt them all down and can up as much of this shit as we can (since it has a 10 year shelf life) and never look back.

Normally when we think of UNC we picture powder blue basketball jerseys running up and down the court to a screaming crowd of fanatics in the middle of March. When you think UNC football it may conjure up an entirely different image, but there is less separating the two teams in terms of expectations this year. UNC has been picked by some to be the breakout king of the ACC Costal Division. VT had better watch the big UNC/VT bball upset of last January and get pumped to try and take the same domination to the football field because if the analysts are right, UNC is pretty damn good this year.  I shutter to think of UNC as a power in college football as they already enjoy so many moronic fans who have never even step foot in North Carolina, let alone the south, that avidly love and worship their basketball team and those asses could easily transition their sweet UNC Crocs to their fall wardrobe and keep painting their 7 year-old son’s face baby blue and white all year round… and we can’t have that.

We will need to rely (as always) on our defense picking off their pass happy quarterback and hope that we can rely on Tyrod for big points throughout the entire game. I feel like every time we play UNC we start slow and then squeak out in the end with a score that doesn’t accurately show how hard of a win it was for the Hokies.

Beating UNC will place us well in Coastal division of the ACC since we already took one from Georgia Tech and can pretty much guarantee wins against Duke and UVA unless we all start running around the field like Radio. With a win we would have the tie breaker in our favor and only need to worry about Miami on Thursday night to lock up a spot in the ACC championship game. Speaking of UVA, they are just getting more and more shitty - they cut their quarterback, Peter Lalich, this week for admitting in court that he had consumed alcohol in the past six months. OH GOSH NO! A twenty year old kid (and football player no less) admitted to consuming alcohol? Mind you, this wasn’t drinking and driving, not drinking and raising Hell, not blacking out nor starting fights with other students… just plain old having a drink. We all know UVA loves to suck the fun out of everything in the world but to banish a kid from the team for engaging in what 99% of the student body does anyway is just plain stupid. To be fair to the Al Groh gestapo, Lalich was on probation for underage possession of alcohol when he admitted to sipping on some of granddad’s punchy juice but isn’t alcohol just alcohol. Marcus had to pull a gun on a kid, commit an assault on live television, get busted with pot, rack up two speeding tickets, and flick off the entire crowd at Morgantown. Although, that last one probably bought him some extra time but still.  This may be the first time in a long while that player has been kicked off a team for a first violation of team rules not involving a felony, but its okay, when UVA goes 1-9 they can at least say they have the respect of Middle Utah State. I personally think Al Groh is trying to get himself fired. Score prediction: Virginia Tech 28, UNC 20.

Chris Cooley put his penis on his blog. This dog escaped. People seem to be really upset at the collapse of Lehman Brothers (at the 45 second mark). The country is falling to shit and all we can do is be excited at the return of Entourage?  If that is the silver lining then we are all fucked and I’m moving to Grenada.

Not trying to get politico on anything but I refuse allow the party currently in power and more responsible for this crap economy/war/dancing with the stars bullshit to get away with another 4 years if McCain is elected. I could care less what the issues are in this election, I don’t care what either party is promising, even if they want to make rainbow machines that shower burritos and gold pussies from the sky - I just want the GOP to lose. Its much like how I could care less who is coaching or playing for Florida State, I just want them to lose for all the bullshit they have done in the past. If we are going to be duped in to believing that any change can come from either political party, at least let it be from the one that’s got a bunch of half-stoned, yuppie-educated assholes chanting “Fuck Fox News” and not the God-fearing, nest-egg cowering, gun bandit middle-class bitching like hell to believe that one day they too can be part of the elite group of white sleazebags they put in office. Any easy way to pass the sniff test for the two parties: which one would you rather get drunk with?

Admittedly, McCain seems to have his credentials in order and fits the bill for a “traditional” President and yes Sarah Palin is hot and I respect her for taking staunch viewpoints on sensitive issues. On the other hand, I don’t really think that Obama could lead a team of Lemmings past level 1, but at least the man can speak with a smooth and comfortable swagger we haven’t had since Slick Willy … and isn’t that what we are looking for? These days, America might as well be an incorporated business. Its run like a company, prospers like one, the leadership relies on countless numbers of experts and cabinet members, attorneys, analysts, and market research and the monetary bottom line is truly the most important issue of them all. Under that belief, what you need at the head of any successful corporation isn’t a war veteran, or a seasoned political professional, or even someone of superior intelligence or skill - you simply need someone who looks good and sells that company’s stock like its Duke & Duke buying up orange futures. You want that CEO to make investors, employees, and the whole world believe everything is fine and to buy up the buckets of shit that the company is selling. By that token, Barack is the equivilent of a black Steve Jobs and I think he can turn around AMRCA stock and take it from a struggling CCC rating to an AA just by making things look and sound pretty behind that presidential seal emblazoned podium.

Come election time I’ll probably write-in Powdered Toast Man and get my “I Voted” sticker just to get my free burrito (they better do that again this election) and then I’m packing my carry-on bag for Grenada and wishing everyone the best ’till 2012.

Since I have been living out of a Honda Accord for two weeks I haven’t really had time to comment on the Hokies. Let’s quickly review: Tyrod tossed his red shirt, we were a two quarterback system, we beat Furman (I still have no idea who or what they are),  then we made Tyrod our full-time starter, then we took away the clipboard from Glennon, then we beat Georgia Tech. I see some correlation here.

Granted Tyrod has some things to work out… he overthrows his recievers and throws a bit hard at times, but he also can run at will and turn what would be a certain Glennon sack/fumble/bowl collapse in to a decent play.

So the happy feet antics of Glennon seem to be out of our hair for now and I couldn’t be more happy. Don’t let announcers remind you of how good he was in key games (except those “minor mistakes” of 3 INT for every TD) and only look forward. I know that Glennon is one of the strongest players on the team and apparently he’s a great guy, but I can’t confidently watch the Hokies play with him at the helm.

I tend to hold grudges for a long time and will never forget when someone crosses a line that I don’t approve of. I haven’t forgotten the Georgia bowl game of two years ago and the epic collapse manifested by Glennon. In my mind he lost his job from that day forward. He should be lucky he got to play as much has he did in 2007 and understand the decision to go with Tyrod. In Rod We Trust.

Okay, so the red shirt is off. Whoopidy doo. And we are playing Furman this week. I really don’t know anything whatsoever about Furman so instead I will pretend that the Hokies are playing something I know more about, Street Fighter II: The World Fighter.

I hope that the Hokies know that although the story centers around the brothers Ken and Ryu, both fighters suck and you should avoid wasting any time learning their similar moves and just run the ball up the middle. Next I will recommend the Hokies skip over that shithead Zangiff at center, he can’t jump for shit but he does make noises and spin his fists around like David Cylke, but rely on the red shirt Tyrod Taylor –if he’s our quarterback we need to stick with it and move on. Finally, Guile is a big queer but his slow moving sonic boom move really can monopolize the line and force opponents into uncomfortable parts of the field. His level is also very intimidating. The Hokies should play like crazy ass Chun Li so they can bounce off the walls, spreading the ball around the field and victory should be easy. Score prediction: Virginia Tech 41, Furman 10.

Glennon: 14 of 23 for 139 yards and two picks. Final Score: ECU 27 Virginia Tech 22.