As the sun sets over the smog draped skyline of Beijing we say goodbye to not only the 2008 Olympic games but also to the inclusion of baseball as an Olympic event. That’s right, for at least the 2012 Olympics there will be no baseball played -at least for medal status. This marks the only sport since Polo to be eliminated, never mind the fact that over 16 teams and 300 athletes will now be left out of Sydney London so that the world of competitive gun shooting can have center stage. Baseball has been played since 1904 in the Olympics in some fashion. Though it did not gain medal status until fairly recently (1992) many countries in North and South America are wondering just how an event with such popularity could be “voted out” of the next games. Of course the IOC is a tight ship that doesn’t let anything slip by so I feel confident it was a legitimate vote.

After investigating more on this supposed “vote process” I was able to see which other events missed the cut for the 2012 games by even narrower margins than our nation’s pastime…

iPhone Waiting

The iPhone Wait event barely made it on the radar for this year’s games but may gain momentum in coming years as market share of the iPhone increases and as Apple decides to release newer, shinier versions of its highly sought-after mobile phone device. The iPhone wait consists of standing in a line for several hours, sometimes overnight if the conditions and rebate price requires it, and obtaining an iPhone as quickly as possible and most-importantly before any stranger sitting next to you on a commuter flight from Washington DC to Chicago beats you to the purchase. Championship events are held daily in major American metropolises and the sport’s popularity is spreading to the European Union, Canada, and eBay. Training can be grueling, but the payoff is sweet for those willing to endure. Most athletes entered the world of sport waiting participating in Wii Waiting at a younger age and moved on to the professional circuit once they reached the age of 16, as required by international rules. This event may just be a twinkle in the IOC’s eyes (see 1996 Beanie Baby Collector petition) but the committee is keeping its finger on the pulse of the sport to see if it gains enough global popularity to warrant a vote for 2016.

Cockblocking

Perhaps even more surprising than baseball is the omission of the globally recognized sport of Cockblocking. Cockblocking, which is widely popular among amateurs and professionals alike once again missed the cut for the 2012 by the narrowist of margins. To those who may not know, Cockblocking is the ancient and delicate art of interfering with someone who is getting acquainted with, conversing with, or otherwise trying to fuck a member of the opposite sex. Teams consist of two women or sometimes may be co-ed teams consisting of one woman and one man who “has a place for you to crash”. The teams attempt to thwart the interactions between a member of the team and a “point man” -a heterosexual male- during his tactical attempts to get the tip of his dick wet (one way or another) as the three athletes wander through a controlled environment of pool tables, dance floors, and draft beer. 2006 World Games champion and likely top contender for a 2012 games Jenny Johnson (or better known to fans as “No Play J.J.”) of Minneapolis, MN had been training since she was a child and was crushed by the news from the IOC that the sport was not going to be played at London. “I gained all this weight and got shit on by just enough guys to really make myself as bitter as possible… now what am I supposed to do with all this spite and unmatched knowledge of the show ‘The Hills’?” Some speculate that the varying local rules of each participating country would add significant difficulty in assessing scores and lead to a debacle reminiscent of the Bird Dogging finals of the 1936 Olympic games.

Quoting Will Farrell Movies

One of the newer events that hopes to make it to the 2016 Olympic games (to be held in a yet-to-be-determined city) is that of Quoting Will Farrell Movies. As Will Farrell has produced one box office hit after another, a steady accumulation of lines representing the few reasonably funny moments from his films has been building in the minds of boring middle-aged white-collar males. These athletes, or “Farrelletes” as they prefer, have brought their craft to mainstream society by using Farrell movie lines in conversations with co-workers and strangers alike, usually resulting in spectacularly failed attempts to elicit a comedic reaction (usually due to the fact that saying the lines is only funny if said by Farrell himself while in character during the viewing of a motion picture which someone has actually decided to pay money and watch). In international competitions, judges base scores on obnoxiousness of the quote and award special points for excessive repetition and general lack of humor and timing. After the 2004 games in Athens many were convinced this event would make it to Beijing on the heels of such classics as “We’re Going Streaking”, “You’re my boy, Blue!” and “Stay Classy, San Diego”. Perhaps it is the restriction to an English-speaking audience that is hindering the adoption of this event.

Wasting Time Online

An event never imaginable during the first Olympic games in 776 BC just may find itself as the newest event for 2016. Wasting Time Online has become wildly popular in developed nations and may be a way to harmonize the many advancements in technology with the traditions and prestige of the Olympic games. Athletes in this event are given an option between an Apple Powerbook or a Dell Latitude laptop and have one 8-hour work day to spend as much time as possible online and not contributing to any work product whatsoever. Though the event is said to be the sport of only the wealthy, many point out that “wasting time” is a universally understood concept and this variation simply “tweaks” the playing court. Often times event participants will visit websites more than a dozen times a day, post to message boards such banter as “Buried for misleading title -it was a car accident, but he’s not dead you tard”, as well as watch countless movies of less than 2 minutes in length and play poorly coded Flash-based games which require no skill and even less intelligence to master. International rules restrict content used in official matches which is deemed to be “NSFW”- as many South American competitors found that masturbation was an easy but unethical method of achieving a near perfect score. Not everyone feels the Olympic games are ready for such a radical and technically advanced event. Barji Mannuli, of Brazil’s world champion traveling team noted “[T]his may not be the worst time to take a step back and let [the game] develop for another 4 years- we lost Scrabulous recently and that was a major blow to our Facebook routine.” Because it is in indoor event, Wasting Time Online may also be included in the upcoming Winter Olympic Games, which has a final listing of events that are still “under review.”

Until 2016 we will just have to wait and see if Baseball can again be considered an Olympic event and more importantly, whether these or any other events currently “standing on the outside and looking in” can make it on to the world’s stage for the athletic elite.