Lawyers aren’t all supposed to make it rich, but they should have some money right? I mean, it is the second best career you can get in the board game of LIFE. Well, I’m here to tell you not to trust that multicolor plastic coated topographical web of lies - I haven’t been this poor since I wore a teal and purple polo reeking of popcorn butter back when I cleaned movie theaters for minimum wage.

My most sobering financial moment to date was this week when I officially became “ATM insolvent”. This means that an ATM actually changes the menu options on what you can transact. There is no FAST CASH FROM CHECKING, just JUMP IN FRONT OF TRAFFIC and STATEMENT BALANCE. The buttons for Withdraw are grayed out and you have to sit through messages warning you that you may be a victim of potential identity theft (sounds nice at this point) and you get a low balance alert which you must click on “I FUCKING GET IT” to continue only to then get to play with the ATM menu like its a gameboy with no game in it. I was happy to be able to click around and make the person behind me think I was wiring a couple hundred grand to the Virgin Islands and then, about 3 minutes later, I turned around and told them “that stupid fucking thing is broken” and I walked away with only my card in hand. Clearly, he knew better and I think the ATM was passing jokes about me on to him because he laughed after as he was entering his PIN. I later ran over him in the parking lot and took his 40 dollars. I then deposited it and then fast cash withdrew it out again to make myself feel better.

I am aware there exist certain ATMs that will dispense as little as a ten dollar bill, but those are in Blacksburg and it would be counterintuitive to spend 30 bucks worth of gas to get out ten dollars from a pissed on (2003) ATM in downtown. Although, I am considering it for the fact that in Blacksburg ten bucks will buy you one helluva baller night… 3 fatties and a french onion soup from Owens. But, in a place like Washington DC where a bar cover charge can literally bankrupt me, I have to be careful as if I am spinning a gigantic wheel-of-fortune each time I go out in public.