So I broke down and bought the last known case of Endurance Vitamin Water on the planet. I’m not certain its the last case, but the four previous orders I made from here, here, here and here all came back “canceled due to insufficient stock”. I found the unofficial last case of Endurance from a wine store on Amazon that had a one-star rating. They stated they had mixers of every known variety and promised to track down any beverage for your mixing needs. So I figured either they were true to their word and they indeed had a time machine that could go back to 2007 or they were just going to write “Endurence” on 24 bottles of Clearly Canadian. Sure I paid 50 bucks for it, but what’s 50 bucks in a mountain of debt? Although Coca-Cola sources say Endurance will be returning to markets soon, it apparently will be released as a whole new flavor (meaning tons more sugar to appeal to the masses) and so I don’t want a dozen MMS messages of images of Endurance at Giant going for 1.25 a bottle in three months -its not the same stuff. Once I’m done drinking all two dozen of my discontinued brethren I’m sure I will have wished I spent my money on this instead.

In the meantime I plan to sit in the darkness of my basement cedar closet on top of my mountain of Endurance with a loaded rifle and no shirt on to protect my bounty until they come for it. Who you ask? Oh trust me… you’ll see…. you’ll see.

I know everyone in the world except me saw Dark Knight this weekend so don’t take personal offense if you truly enjoyed your 33 dollar trip to Regal Cinema to catch the non-sold out 11:07 showing. I’m sure you had a great time as apparently this film is the greatest piece of modern cinema every captured by man. Rotten Tomatoes gives it a 97% fresh rating with the only reviewers who disliked it coming from “Pink Is The New Blog” and the Detroit Gay Blade. IMDB also has weighed in, giving the film a #3 best of all time according to current voting:

I should point out that if that image above was larger you would find Wall-E at #19, which is 7 in front of the 1992 Best Picture/Director/Actor/Actress/Writer winner The Silence of the Lambs. Granted, IMDB has been known to make mistakes at the hands of its millions of middle school aged preteen users, just note Step Up 2’s glowing reviews for confirmation, but this is a tremendous rave for a movie that had a lot to live up to, including marketing tie-ins from BOTH Domino’s and Pizza Hut.

It may just be that good of a film. I don’t know, I haven’t seen it. I do know that Heath Ledger is dead - and people want to give him an Oscar now. It makes me wonder if Three Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Moutain would have warranted critical acclaim if Mathew Botuchis had overdosed in his trailer during filming (appologies to whichever reader still has his Tiger Beat mega poster taped to the side of their ferret’s cage).

I suppose I just look back at so many movies that people say were fucking awesome and then by the time they make it DVD I don’t see them scooping up copies to give out to friends at Christmas or renting to enjoy again and again. I REALLY want Dark Knight to be as good as everyone claims, at least as good as Batman and Robin… because I watched Batman Begins again on Friday (when Dark Knight was sold out for the midnight show) and it really wasn’t all that great like I remembered, well except for this.

Disclaimer: I will be seeing the Dark Knight in IMAX sometime soon.

UPDATE: Apparently I should apologize to all films, maybe even the entire art institution. “Hey Claude Monet - taste my bat cock!” (throws small bat-shaped graphite sphere at Sistine Chapel - explosion ensues) - and yes I’m aware that it was Donatello who painted that - and yes again I’m aware that it was Michaelangelo who painted that - you fuckers are no fun today

Lawyers aren’t all supposed to make it rich, but they should have some money right? I mean, it is the second best career you can get in the board game of LIFE. Well, I’m here to tell you not to trust that multicolor plastic coated topographical web of lies - I haven’t been this poor since I wore a teal and purple polo reeking of popcorn butter back when I cleaned movie theaters for minimum wage.

My most sobering financial moment to date was this week when I officially became “ATM insolvent”. This means that an ATM actually changes the menu options on what you can transact. There is no FAST CASH FROM CHECKING, just JUMP IN FRONT OF TRAFFIC and STATEMENT BALANCE. The buttons for Withdraw are grayed out and you have to sit through messages warning you that you may be a victim of potential identity theft (sounds nice at this point) and you get a low balance alert which you must click on “I FUCKING GET IT” to continue only to then get to play with the ATM menu like its a gameboy with no game in it. I was happy to be able to click around and make the person behind me think I was wiring a couple hundred grand to the Virgin Islands and then, about 3 minutes later, I turned around and told them “that stupid fucking thing is broken” and I walked away with only my card in hand. Clearly, he knew better and I think the ATM was passing jokes about me on to him because he laughed after as he was entering his PIN. I later ran over him in the parking lot and took his 40 dollars. I then deposited it and then fast cash withdrew it out again to make myself feel better.

I am aware there exist certain ATMs that will dispense as little as a ten dollar bill, but those are in Blacksburg and it would be counterintuitive to spend 30 bucks worth of gas to get out ten dollars from a pissed on (2003) ATM in downtown. Although, I am considering it for the fact that in Blacksburg ten bucks will buy you one helluva baller night… 3 fatties and a french onion soup from Owens. But, in a place like Washington DC where a bar cover charge can literally bankrupt me, I have to be careful as if I am spinning a gigantic wheel-of-fortune each time I go out in public.