Hating Dave Matthews has become as popular as donning a pink Red Sox cap. I have stuck by Dave Matthews Band for over ten years, dozens of live albums, and - as of Satuday night, twenty-five concerts. However, It seems Dave Matthews Band sucks, at least according to every bandwagon-trend fickle-fuck and well, just about anyone who has a friend who loves Dave Matthews. In reality, he only sucks because he is just too fucking awesome for mortals to understand. Only Jesus, Raiden, and The Rocketeer can appreciate him fully. Though I am a mere mortal I do know a bit about the man Dave Matthews, and his awesomeness, and will admit I can’t get enough of him and his accompanying band. And yes, I realize that this makes me a breed of serious cocksucker known as the “intense band fan”. And I am aware an “intense band fan” is the type of person I would normally make fun of on this blog. But if you haven’t caught on by now, I’m a horribly hypocritical person. The truth is Dave is musical marijuana served inside a Chipotle tortilla filled with mint Dibs. Eating such a treat causes nothing short of piss-in-a-pepsi cup in broad daylight euphoria. Though, the same way some Red Sox fans shun the influx of pink cap wearing fans, I like to shun those Dave fans who live by the song “Crash In To Me”, own a hemp necklace, and think Will Farrel is still amusing. Understand that, like with Boston’s pink hats, it’s not so much the objects but what they represent, the whole “Red Sox Nation” concept reminds some people of that other team with a huge fan base and no one wants the Sox to become that, even though it is already too late (I’ll admit I’m part of the problem…).

Too Much: Red Sox fans are suffering from identity crisis and the growing pains of a fan base trying to redefine itself, it is something Dave fans can empathize with. Dave fans have been tormented for over a decade by bearing the load of trendy assholes who for some reason gravitated to DMB. Whether it be Phish fans desperately seeking a new place where “shrooming” among massive crowds is considered acceptable, midlife crisis soccer parents driving their cherry red Sebring convertible in to the show and using VIP parking, or pooka-shelled yuppie hipster fucks bouncing in to the show with their Jimmy Fallon bed-head reeking of Abercrombie stenchs while holding hands with emaciated aviator-wearing girlfriends who like the show “The Hills” - the cycles of these assholes seems to go on perpetually but *true* Dave fans remain loyal despite the bad eggs.

Pink versus Green: I really can’t be all that cocky about my DMB fandom… I haven’t followed a Dave tour with the vigor of many fans, nor have I paid more than 20 bucks for a ticket, and come to think of it I guess I do own a green Red Sox hat… a green hat is almost as bad as a pink hat so my Sox fandom isn’t any better off either. Fortunately, I think I jumped on the Sox bandwagon when there was still a few good seats left on the truck bed and back at that time I received open arms from old school Boston fans willing to add one more sorry sack of shit with a hatred of the Yankees to their fan base- with understanding that a World Series win would never happen. With that comparison, I think I understand my place in the DMB fan continuum… I’m squarely in the Dave Matthews counterpart of the category of “somewhat-legitimate fan but-can-be-dethroned by anyone from Boston”. I am humbled.

Wrapping up a post that clearly is aimed at masking a self proclamation of myself and a trip to a 25th Dave show, I can thank my sister for first subjecting me to Dave in 1994 (via Oakton Toker Team’s spring break drive to Ocean City) and since that first exposure there are certain Dave Matthews Moments which I feel the need to document in no particular order and of no interest to any of the 4 people who read this blog:

1. Is that a manatee? (2001)
Swain and I went to RFK to initially tailgate and ended up trading ciggerrettes and a handful of singles to get in to the show, only to rush the floor and be within 10 yards of the stage. We couldn’t stop raving.

2. Perfect Things (2007)
Dave Matthews + Lane Stadium = Heaven (if it rained Chipotle)

3. Clouds rolled over our heads (2000)
Rained the entire show at RFK and Dave played for four hours causing property value in SE Washington to rise 3%.

4. Swiss Missed (2001)
An illicit night ended with listening to Lillywhite Sessions on the roof of a villa in Switzerland while the sun rose. I lost my left shoe and may have shat in a bidet.

5. Lost Wages (2007)
Two shows back-to-back in Vegas with Katie and Andyman. Itinerary: Gamble, drink frozen 190 proof daquiri, see Dave Matthews, eat breakfast buffet, play horsey game, prostitute, see Dave Matthews, eat live bear.

6. Saturday (2008)
Are we assholes? Lets check the tally - Came to show without tickets? Check. Parked in handicap lot? Check. Refused to pay more than 20 a ticket? Check. Snuck in our own alcohol? Check. Pissed on lawn? Check.