I am now a daily commuter on Metro’s Orange Line. I park at Vienna just like all the other Nova-scum that refuses to live closer to the city. I wear a backpack. I am an asshole. But I haven’t fully absorbed the Orange Line’s mentality, not yet at least.

I still find the “Orange Line rider” (Yuppis Assus orung) a spectacle unlike any other breed of prick and I observe the species behavior, take notes on what I see, and make commentary - not unlike Jane Goodall and her apes. To observe and record the Orange Liners more clearly I have outfitted my inconspicuous appearance with cleverly disguised props that are common to the Orange Line rider’s natural enviornment and wouldn’t alert them to my presence.

In my first of many exposes I have decided to share with you the most common things I have heard on a morning/evening rush. Chances are on a 40-minute ride (or roughly 3.70 fare) you will hear at least a half dozen of these idioms:

“We hit our marks for Q2 with our vendor and the client was very happy -so good things will be happening with the metrics for the next release”
“I can’t wait to go see Don’t Mess With The Zohan”
“I can’t believe they ran out of copies of the Pet Lovers Companion”
“My fiancé (insert something nauseating)”
“Is Lululemon still open this late?”
“I’m so glad the city is safe now - isn’t there a Jamba Juice in Tenley Town?”
“Did he just say a train derailed?”
“No one shall ever be good enough to enter.” (from perma-frown’s vagina)
“I have spinning classes so I can’t watch the season finale of Lost”
“Well I know I want to get a Masters because then things will really change!”
“Silver G35 or blue 3-series? I mean, I really want to stand out.”
“He went to Jared”

Next week: Fat to frumpy to deadbeat boyfriends to dead-end careers? Is there a connection to it all?