Phil Mickelson is known for shanking his drives when a win is on the line and that didn’t change much in the final hole of this weekend’s tournament at Colonial. Amazingly, Breast Pumps recovered with a incredible shot out of the woods to land ten feet from the hole which he followed up with a birdie putt for the win. In apparent reaction to the win, a fan in the crowd cannonballed in to the water hazard as if the Chicago Cubs had just won the World Series, and he’s been a die hard fan his entire life, and he actually won the Cubs franchise on a game show seconds earlier, and the game show was for the clinically retarded.

(Sorry for the video quality and redneck commentary)

If the guy’s friend bet him that he could pour fire ants down his shorts if Lefty won then maybe this was all justified. I just can’t see someone going that crazy over Beefy Tits Mick, let alone any golfer, of course that may have been his bookie jumping in celebration.

I guess it was just very out of place for a professional golf course. Then again, if I was ever to hit a hole-in-one I think I would totally freak out and set my golf cart ablaze before running naked through the fairways screaming Spanish verbs while firing stolen firearms in to the air.

As many of you know, I refuse to spend a lot of money on getting my hair cut… in fact I usually spend nothing and opt to cut my hair in my boxers over the bathroom sink or outside if the weather is nice (still in boxers only). Well, with all the time spent finishing school, together with the lack of being mailed SuperCuts coupons and scrapping the barrel to save money, I had gone almost 3 months without a proper hair trimming. All of that changed today as I joined the world of the social haircutting elite and ventured to a man salon at Tyson’s II (that’s the one that’s always empty except for the Persian Terrorists and people waiting 2 hours to eat Cheesecake Factory).

I felt a bit uneasy, almost nauseated, at the thought of spending $50 on a haircut – but I figured I had saved so much money on avoiding a haircut since spring break and I need to start looking presentable to practice law - which meant I had to stop using Dark And Lovely Relaxer on my hair and finally get a hairstyle which would be acceptable to mainstream society.

When I arrived at this man salon, I was approached by a woman who welcomed me as “Mister Phillips” – a far cry from my usual routine of spinning a piss encrusted keyboard around to type in my first name and wait among stacks of old Road And Track magazines for the next available and clearly pregnant redneck to call me up for a 10 minute jaunt in the world of Wahl electric hair trimming. I was offered a drink, which I politely refused until I realized they meant a REAL drink… after seeing the Maker’s Mark and Johnny Walker bottles along a wet bar stocked with cold wine, beer, and IBC root beer I put my finger in the air and tranformed in to the type of person who would never be caught dead in a Man Salon …“Ahhh Ahhh Ummm Yes, can I have some of that liquor, its free right? Uhh Yeah Hmmmm.” Fuck it, I didn’t care, I saw it as a chance to drink my haircut in to a fucking bargain. My stylist, Sunshine, was a ray of just that. We were talking about travel, politics, even fishing in Alaska – again a far cry from nodding insanely and uncomfortably at the indiscernible mumbles of a woman renamed to an American palatable name like “Kim” who likely has no driver’s license and even more likely has no license to be operating sharp objects near human skin.

The entire (scissors only) cut lasted nearly an hour and included a hot lather neck shave, warm face towel, a face, back and neck massage (sadly lasting all of 2 min), shampoo and deep conditioner. I was pretty toasted by the time I left the place too. “Mister Phillips” then had to go to an ATM since they don’t take tips on a credit card. The ATM task took me 30 minutes and I was on such a high that I almost bought a Zegna suit for 29 hundred dollars but being charged a $2.00 ATM fee brought me back to Earth. Coming out $50 lighter for 20 ounces of less hair, I can’t say I’ll be returning every month, but I think when you are chopping off that much off your Jew you can allow for a little splurge.

I made it to the part of the series where you get done with school but I really don’t know which adventure to choose next.

After completing Choose Your Own Adventure #14 “Law School Seems Aight” I figured I had to go on to #15 “Summer In A Bedroom That Looks Like Bombay Company shat a Build-A-Bear” but now do I choose to go to page 39 and spend my last ten dollars on a haircut or skip back to page 8 and buy yet another Chipotle burrito (an obvious follow up on the ending to #11 “You Fat Fucking Fattie: Eating And Sleeping Makes You Fat”)?

I am pleased that I bought in to #14 and that somewhere through the story I decided to choose the path to State College on page 711. However once at that part in the story I found myself in a continuous loop, turning to page 120, whereby I would get hammered and break kitchen table chairs. Eventually I simply ripped out page 120 and read the commencement chapter which followed. I know it ruins the story but I have actually skimmed ahead in book #15 and I noticed that almost all the options end with “Turn to page 3 and study your ass off”, so really it seems like Summer might end up being a rather boring read.