Three years of re-learning how to binge drink will culminate tomorrow afternoon in the streets of State College. Some may consider it just “two idiotic old men drinking” but for us it is a release from the past three years of classes and a celebration of an accumulated $100,003 debt. It kind of reminds me of the time when I, along with a group of 12, climbed Mount Doom in an attempt to throw the one ring into the fiery pits of Mordor from whence it came. The only difference here is that we are walking in attempt to throw up at least one time, and instead of Sméagol we get Todd Kline. There will no doubt be other competing bar crawls of undergraduate sorority girls and custom t-shirt circles of friends all trying to sleep with the same mediocre girl, but our crawl has the unique ability to sue under the dramshop act if we are served past our limits. Not to worry however, chances are good that the group will blow its load within the first 2 bars and will be in bed before SNICK starts.

Learn more at our green $2.99 website:
http://www.ryanandjonsjurisprukencebartourinstatecollege.info/

After a construction worker left a David Ortiz Red Sox jersey in the foundation of the new Yankee Stadium, Steinbrenner Inc. hired a construction crew for several hours at a cost of almost $50,000 to tear up cement to find the garment. New York State prosecutors stated that criminal action could not be pressed against J. Castingnoli (probably a Jew from Utah) despite his mischievous intent.

However, on Monday, Yankees management (who are so bent out of shape that they are licking their own asshole) said they will take civil action against the blue collar construction-working Sox fan. How there could be any cause of action is beyond me… I’m guessing they will try and say there was a legitimate financial harm created by the superstitious presence of a cotton cloth buried under hundreds of pounds of concrete and they HAD to dig it up as a result. I’m no lawyer but I’m thinking that there is no way to prove a present or future loss to the Yankees as a result of a shirt living deep in the ground- unless there was a good chance a Big Pappi tree would sprout up from the ground and start producing Krispy Kremes and stikeouts. It was the Yankees own damn fault they wanted to rip things up in what I believe turned in to great publicity stunt for the new stadium.

Putting the construction worker on the line for $50,000 hardly seems fair considering that’s what ARod makes to play a fucking children’s game for thirty minutes. What may be worse is that if the attempted curse has had any effect it appears that it would be on David Ortiz, whose jersey, number 34, was used in the burial. As a result it would seem Big Pappi is batting like a sugared up retard. Lets remember that the curse was reversed on 2004 and the burden lies on the Yankees now to find a way to fix it. Burying Bernie Williams may be their next hope to winning another World Series (thanks to Onion for bit).

A red tail hawk that had been trained to kill ARod on Friday accidentally jumped the gun and attacked a 13 year-old girl who was visiting Fenway Park on a school trip. The girls name? “Alexa Rodriguez” or as her friends call her “ARod”. The attack, which occurred a week before the New York Yankees were to take the field against Boston, caused the girl to be taken by ambulance to a nearby hospital as reported by the Boston Globe. I don’t really think I can blame the hawk for mistaking a purse-carrying teeny bopper in a Jonas Brothers hoodie for the Real McCoy.

Side note: Other animals that have been trained to attack incoming players include Bevo IV of Texas, Thunderbug of Tampa Bay, and C.C. Sabathia of Cleveland.