#6 If I Didn’t Like Video Games

Sure this one isn’t a total killer of time but if I add up all the effort, dedication, and passion I put in to beating piece of shit games like Bubsy, Ridge Racer, and Dragon Warrior I’d definitely have enough time stored up to read every New York Times best seller over the past two decades. If you include games that are actually good (but somehow take even more time) such as the Zelda series, Final Fantasy, Metal Gear, ect… you are probably leaving me with enough time to write my own best seller.

#5 If My Bladder Was 8 Times Bigger

I have to pee right now. More importantly, when I drink I turn in to a Japanese-game-show-of-piss. If I open the floodgates during a drinking binge I not only have to go often but won’t allow anything to stop me from taking care of business right then and there. In many regards I don’t slow people down in life since I am willing to pee while walking down a sidewalk, in to a Gatorade Frost bottle, or out a moving car, but the mental distraction that accompanies my need to pee is immense. I see the world like the Terminator robot: constantly scanning for places to relieve myself and knowing no other mission in life except to piss… and kill.

#4 If I Was Gay

Okay granted I don’t think being gay saves much more time than being straight – and in many ways such as grooming, clothing selection, and Bravo’s primetime lineup you would spend substantially more time, effort, and money than your typical straight male. Where the real time would be saved is the whole “cut to the chase let’s fuck” aspect about dating. If gay men are just as horny and impulsive as straight men I’m assuming that you simply have to go some street corner that gay people stand around at and just offer a thumbs up to the first clean-looking guy that walks up, it’s that simple.

#3 If I Didn’t Like Sports

Sports generally make up a good deal of what watch on television and behind vacation, are often the basis for travel to a distant location. Between college football, baseball, pro football, (the more important) golf tournaments, March Madness, the Mitchell Report, that week in 2003 we all pretended to like NBA, attending hockey games to shout profanity, GUTS, some of the Olympic events like curling, heavyweight boxing matches, athletic-themed porno and trick shot bowling I think I have spent enough of my heart caring and screaming about the outcome of an arbitrary sporting event to make a Care-Bear Stare wave capable of wiping out the eastern seaboard. If we include Fantasy Sports (analogized as the proverbial Cousin’s Call) I think the passion exhausted could make every man, woman and Asshole Jon in the world weep.

#2 If I Didn’t Drink

This feeds from all aspects of my life. If I am watching a football game, its more fun if I’m drunk, If I decide to go on vacation – drunk, If I want to go have a nice meal – drunk, If I am tossing thumbs up on the street corner – drunk, If I stay home to do “nothing” – drunk. Though the amount of time actually consuming alcohol is small, its residual effect at totally fucking my ability to get shit done lasts long, sometimes as long as an entire weekend even if there has been no alcohol in my system for a while. Financially, I am sure that I spend the most amount of expendable (which is in the negatives) income on booze and though it was speculated I could fill a pool with all the booze I have drank in my life I think the more important figure would be how many pools I could build with the money I have drank away in my life. *It should be noted that there are certain practices that dic tailgate has developed to improve the efficiency of alcohol consumption including road sodas, Club 190, 9:00am Tequila, and camelbak’ing.

#1 If I Was Born Without A Penis

Almost all effort in life goes back to the God-given desire to please women. Why do we do every single thing in life? Either to please women and get laid, or to avoid the realization that we should be pleasing women and getting laid. Being born “sexless” would give a person the freedom to simply work their ass off without any distractions- just look at how hard robots work on a car assembly line. Or take Ken, that fucker rode around in red convertibles with hot sluts and their slutty sisters and still had time to get a year-round tan. Most self-made millionaires deliberately leave out of their books on how to get rich the most important thing of all “Give up on getting laid (at least until you are rich).” Of course it would be unknown if, sans cock, any man would do any amount of work whatsoever as without any kind of reward for one’s efforts, why try in the first place?