Inside sources say that Michael Vick has checked in to the very exclusive C.I. Rivers institution in Winton, N.C., a privately run facility notorious for its vigorous work out regimens and intense military style personal training stafff. One can only assume that Michael thinks he can become more of an athlete than he already is with a decision to commit himself to a two-year program such as C.I. Rivers. Sources say the quarterback hopes to become the most tone, muscular, and physically dominating player on the football field… and the world… and even bigger than whatever the fuck Cloverfield is.

Vick was the former No. 1 overall pick in the 2001 NFL draft and guided the Atlanta Falcons to the NFC Championship Game in 2004. However in 2006 the three-time Pro Bowler placed most of the blame for a lackluster 2006 season performance of his own shoulders and decided it would be best to hit the weights before returning to the field. Last season, he became the first quarterback to rush for more than 1,000 yards but with the proper motivation, time, and “free weight activity time” in the courtyard, Vick believes that statistic could be multiplied seven-thousand fold in his 2009 return to the NFL.

The facility has produced some of the strongest and aggressive athletes in the county, including Harvey “The Mailman Strangler” Thomas and Carlos Bloodtear.

When asked about his strength and conditioning goals, Vick stated he planned to get “so fucking huge that he can throw a school bus in to the sun.”

Outbound Falcons coach Bobby Petrino said he wishes the next man in line luck. “Vick? The man is already an animal and now were going to feed him raw meat and let him play with dumbbells and Soloflex machines all day? I hope the NFC South gets their defensive linemen better insurance.”

According to one source inside the exclusive training facility, Vick has already shown significant increase in muscle mass after only one month in the program. At his current pace Vick is set to gain over 480 pounds of raw muscle mass and gain over 8 feet in height. By comparison he would be the size of roughly 29 Tom Bradys, taking up more surface area than most mall Claire’s franchises and slightly smaller than Megatron. Don Shula, hall of fame coach and winningest NFL head coach ever (.665) simply stated “God help us all.”