I was within reach of two people who make the very top of my “People I hate and would punch in the face list” but instead I learned that the list should be called “People I hate, but you know are pretty handsome… hmmm yea, they are okay, I guess list” In what unfolded like a Lemony Snicket’s novel, I went to the Redskins/Cowboys game yesterday. For those who don’t have the benefit of a crotchety 70 year-old man blabbering on constantly about the Skins, the Redskins needed the win against the Cowboys to make the playoffs so it was a pretty big deal in Washington even if the Cowboys weren’t going to try any harder than I would at a Bally’s Total Fitness free trial membership.

In the pouring rain I turned in to Scalpbot 2000. My one mission: to pay nothing to get in to the game. Halfway in to the first quarter and after refusing the extreme liquidation prices of a scalper (from 300 down to 25 bucks) I was happily handed a club seat stub and club section “re-entry pass” by a fan who had been forced to leave by his girlfriend (so we can assume) and I headed off to the gate. Well, as we know from reading the backside of the stub, once a ticket is torn you can not reenter a game for any reason after leaving. But I pleaded that the club section reentry pass was misleading and I thought I could get back in to the game with the pass and stub together. The ticket usher said it was a good thing he was having a good day and let me through anyway. Bad ass. I watched the second quarter in pouring rain while accessing the never ending supply of beers coming from a ripped hole in the back of my jacket.

After a not-so-elaborate scheme was planned I met my dad to attempt to join him in the press box section. I acted as if Dan Snyder was my brother and walked in confidently (underdressed) to the luxury suites where broadcasts were occurring. We watched the third quarter behind the Redskins Radio broadcasters but in the lull of the crowd and when Sonny wasn’t rambling on about the Second Boer War I could hear a piercing squelch of an obnoxious man’s voice. I could almost make out the man saying “fuck the Red Sox” and it hit me. BUCK.

Next door was the Fox Sports broadcast booth and there through the plate glass partition was one of the most hated men in broadcasting and the top of my list of complete assholes, Joe Buck. I contemplating making a fake mooning motion at the glass (something that horrified Buck so much in 2005 that he almost quit broadcasting to become a seal beater) but instead, with drink in hand, just walked next door and entered the Fox Sports booth. There was surprisingly no reaction from the man seated by the door standing just off to the side of the blue Fox Sports sheet draped behind Buck. I figured this could be my chance to make the world right for baseball and football fans all over the country. Sadly, I had no weapon other than an unopened can of Natural Light (still left over from Crabfest) in my jacket so I thought about just spearing the shadow of Buck through the sheet and tumbling with him down in to the crowds below (or on top of a moving rail car) to have a fist of cuffs set to climatic 1980’s Steven Segalish “last fight scene” music. As I stood listening to the shrill comments of Buck a man came from behind the sheet and walked right by me. I again was shocked at what I was looking at. More of the hate all in one small bathroom sized room. SEACREST.

Now I was really torn - with all this hate what was I to do? I did what everyone would have expected me to do. Nothing. In fact I walked out of the Fox booth after Seacrest and even stood in line with him to get a slice of cake and some chicken fingers. “He eats the same things we do, not the souls of infants” I thought to myself as he dolloped a healthy serving of honey mustard on to his plate. Yeah he’s alright by my book. I guess he was pretty funny on Talk Soup anyway. And what about Buck? Well he looked pretty tall so he’s okay in my book too, as long as he’s not covering the Sox/Yankees games.

All at once I felt peace on my life.

It doesn’t matter what happened in the Big 10/ACC Challenge game - Penn State cannot compete with Virginia Tech where it counts. I had the “hardest” drink at Penn State tonight - known as a Monkey Boy. Granted, this pitcher-sized drink was chock-full of alcohol goodness and even used brands of liquor I had heard of, but my liver knows a true combatant when it sees one and nothing in this world can touch the (originial) Rail from TOTS. The Rail reciepe - hardly a secret - is the contents of the cheap rail liquors and a tap on each button from the musical bar (plastic thing that shoots out soda). The Monkey Boy - somewhat similar but a bit heavy on the ice and the cruel liquors (tequila, gin, bourbon) were all no shows. But more importantly the Monkey Boy didn’t make me want to do horrible things like pee on people’s feet or have sex under the deck - no it just made my tummy warm. And hell we even have things worse than the rail: Evil Rail (only dark liquors), Dirty Rail (part beer), Red Bull Rail (ask Jro). But the Monkey Boy does not reign supreme against the mighty rail. I told the bartender tonight that VT has them beat after I took a sip of their best monkey boy, known as a Bong Water. He replied “You must have been to Arnold’s then” and I just said back “You’re old.” Drink a rail.. for tonight… we dine in Hell!

3:51AM Update: Okay, well it did make me cry like a little baby watching Pan’s Labyrinth so maybe it is stronger than originally believed…

Inside sources say that Michael Vick has checked in to the very exclusive C.I. Rivers institution in Winton, N.C., a privately run facility notorious for its vigorous work out regimens and intense military style personal training stafff. One can only assume that Michael thinks he can become more of an athlete than he already is with a decision to commit himself to a two-year program such as C.I. Rivers. Sources say the quarterback hopes to become the most tone, muscular, and physically dominating player on the football field… and the world… and even bigger than whatever the fuck Cloverfield is.

Vick was the former No. 1 overall pick in the 2001 NFL draft and guided the Atlanta Falcons to the NFC Championship Game in 2004. However in 2006 the three-time Pro Bowler placed most of the blame for a lackluster 2006 season performance of his own shoulders and decided it would be best to hit the weights before returning to the field. Last season, he became the first quarterback to rush for more than 1,000 yards but with the proper motivation, time, and “free weight activity time” in the courtyard, Vick believes that statistic could be multiplied seven-thousand fold in his 2009 return to the NFL.

The facility has produced some of the strongest and aggressive athletes in the county, including Harvey “The Mailman Strangler” Thomas and Carlos Bloodtear.

When asked about his strength and conditioning goals, Vick stated he planned to get “so fucking huge that he can throw a school bus in to the sun.”

Outbound Falcons coach Bobby Petrino said he wishes the next man in line luck. “Vick? The man is already an animal and now were going to feed him raw meat and let him play with dumbbells and Soloflex machines all day? I hope the NFC South gets their defensive linemen better insurance.”

According to one source inside the exclusive training facility, Vick has already shown significant increase in muscle mass after only one month in the program. At his current pace Vick is set to gain over 480 pounds of raw muscle mass and gain over 8 feet in height. By comparison he would be the size of roughly 29 Tom Bradys, taking up more surface area than most mall Claire’s franchises and slightly smaller than Megatron. Don Shula, hall of fame coach and winningest NFL head coach ever (.665) simply stated “God help us all.”

You may have heard that my law school’s parent school Penn State has produced two undergraduate students who decided it would be clever to go as Virginia Tech shooting victims for Halloween. Outside the fact that I have seen first hand that PSU has strength in numbers when it comes to idiotic students, I think this is really just a case of two dipshits that could have attended any school and at any school people try to be outrageous to get laid. It’s not the first time I have heard of ridiculous costumes mocking the pain of others (remember to insert picture of Jeff Butt dressed as Steve Irwin) but really it’s the pure stupidity and self-righteous nature of these two students that really is what angers me most.

The his-and-her costume pairing were exposed after pictures from a six-person Halloween party surfaced on Facebook a week ago. I’m betting the girl even changed her Facebook profile picture to show off her offensive getup… it is easier to convince a six-year-old to pull out his loose tooth than it is to try and stop a girl with a fresh Halloween picture from changing her profile pic to it.

What is the most ridiculous is the reaction from the two students since the story became headlines for newspapers over the weekend. The pair began lashing back at the public’s outcry against their costumes and have been citing their constitutional rights of free speech in their acts saying that society has no right to be upset or complain over what is essentially just free expression. Apparently no one informed the duo that such an argument cuts both ways and part of free speech is the right for others to dissent against one’s actions and views.

Now let’s just examine the other views of these fine young Penn State undergrads: “[W]e are notorious and infamous in the state college and very popular, so we have to do things that push the envelope just for shock value.” That’s an actual quote. Newsflash – six-person Halloween parties are for fucking losers (unless it’s an orgy). “This is a group of college students who now think it’s trendy to be upset about their friends being killed” one of the students said about those who have condoned their actions in a local TV interview. Wow, “trendy” about their own FRIENDS being killed – just losing ANY friend sounds mortifying but yeah, that makes sense, I think I remember hearing that its a new trend these days to embrace pain and suffering. I guess that new Hollister collection makes sense now. The pair of students also they fear that Virginia Tech students may plan to respond with bodily harm or even murder. Apparently the pair have taken every single facebook comment made about their costumes as a legitimate threat. Names of at least three people have been turned over to authorities for such threats. Virginia Tech police are investigating the claim by one of the students that he was Superpoke! bodyslammed and later forced to “decorate a christmas tree” with the same unspecified individual. And the other student has enlisted police at both campuses after receiving at least “3 zombie invitations”. Despite these intense fears one of the student’s still spoke defiantly in an interview with Roanoke Times, “That’s the problem with college students. They all live in an ivory tower of privilege.” … Wow, I didn’t realize we all live with Gandalf in middle earth. Not only is the kid an asshole, loser and hypocrite – he is also a nerd.

The two said they wanted to get it all behind them and simply move on with this painful part of their life… and really hope no one goes as them for Halloween six months from now.

12/14 Update: With his slick hair gel and crossed eyes the costume crusader continues to act like a prick on national TV: video

Though this is a jaded view, I do not believe it is absurd to think we should be included in the top two schools in the nation. I’m sure everyone felt a little ripped-off at the conclusion of Fox’s over-produced hour-long jaunt through the season’s many upsets culminating in an announcement that LSU would be playing idle Ohio State in the BCS Championship game in New Orleans. Don’t get me wrong, I am damn proud of Virginia Tech’s performance this year and on Beamer’s fourth consecutive 10 or more win season but when the house of cards falls as sloppily as it did this year in the BCS I think that anyone (except Georgia) had the right to pick up the pocket aces and a trip to New Orleans.

1. But what about that crushing loss to LSU?

First of all, lets start by remembering that the majority voice behind how the BCS determines who should fight for the National Championship are humans - and humans are flawed in their reasoning and sometimes act irrationally. Now try to make humans process that in only one week of the season, after the BCS was being calculated, did we have the first and second place team remain unbeaten (remember when South Florida was number two? me either.) What does this mean? It means that each week there was fresh meat in the top team grinder… and other ranked teams could fly safely under the radar and out of the limelight that is ESPN’s “Upset Watch.” With only one week left in the season, LSU allowed Arkansas to score 50 points on them (and upset them at home). In any other season this loss would have meant a dead end in the road for a BCS title bid for Louisiana State – but in a season chock full of high seeds dropping off like flies, the loss was mitigated by a next-week win over a Tennessee team that couldn’t beat three teams in the SEC. In seasons past what mattered first was if you lost… but what mattered almost as much was when you lost. Just ask Florida State, they are the poster child of a team that early in the season would drop off the top 10 and build up wins against underpowered ACC shitbarns and eventually find their way in to the AP#1 or #2 slot by season’s end. The Hokies lost the SECOND week of the season to LSU. Back then Louisville was still a national title contender. That Virginia Tech team was facing its first road opponent (and though its not a great excuse - it was the first trip away since the tragedy, and our team carried a big burden of support for many people) and also in week two we had not even brushed off the dust from Tyrod Taylor’s red shirt to know what he could do. Admittedly, the game was a sixty-minute meltdown on national television but it also became the wake up call that we needed. From that game forward (and with the exception of Boston College’s vomit-filled comeback with 2 minutes to go) we played (and won) solidly. In contrast LSU was constantly one Les Miles go-for-broke play away from losing games the entire season.

2. Tech won out.

So that again goes back to the importance of WHEN you lose the big game, and LSU was certainly big, but we didn’t fold to any non-top ten or unranked teams the way Ohio State and LSU did. If consistency isn’t worth something in a sport that they call “every week a playoff week” or otherwise in a sport where one single loss can ruin a season, then why don’t we just let the most impressive inconsistency go to the BCS title game? Cool - Navy plays North Texas. Seasons in college football can’t be measured from week one to week 16 (or week 14 if you are Ohio State), you have to constantly reassess the best teams in the nation based upon what they are able to do at that exact moment in time. After we had our set back against Matt Ryan, we went on to beat some great teams and played great football. In that same time period, Ohio State beat the perennial #25 Penn State and lost to unranked Illinois… at home. LSU beat up the whopping #17 Alabama and lost to unranked Arkansas… at home. Now, I do believe in the benefit-of-the-doubt for college teams and so if a school like Hawaii went to the National Championship instead of VT so be it – I have no idea how the Warriors would do against a team like Missouri or Virginia Tech but at least I know that Hawaii could beat Ohio State or LSU as both of those schools have lost to much worse teams this year, and much more recently than Virginia Tech’s two #2 ranked opponent losses (one of which we avenged and showed our improvement.)

3. Numbers don’t worship Pete Carroll lie.

Granted a lot of miracles happened the final week of the season that provided me even an opportunity to make a case that Virginia Tech belongs in the title game, predominantly that WVU (and their bullshit refs) would lose to un-bowl-bound Pittsburgh. But after Saturday, I had actually predicted we would come out first-place in the computer rankings with a win over Boston College (since the computers loved BC so much) but I was worried of how we would stack in the human voting.

I was crushed by Sunday morning when they announced the human poll results. Somehow the Harris Poll planted us number 6. I don’t know who the fuck is voting over at the Harris house but whoever gave all those second and third-place votes to USC should lose their votes… seriously. USC lost to Standford… Stanford lost to Notre Dame. If USC is to get any number two votes then that can only mean you are judging them based on their current performance (as I have argued here) and if so — fine — but then you can’t go vote VT number 6. Why the hell is Harris even used? The voters openly admit they don’t have time to watch many games each week (some watch none.) If that’s the case then cut out the humans. I say we rely on the numbers from a source that CAN watch every single second of every single I-A game in the nation… the computers. According to big blue and friends we’re not number 3, were not even number 2 — which is all I’m arguing for. No, its even better than that.

In sum, we are one onside-kick from being the best team in the nation – so am I really that fucking crazy? I guess I am after all just one flawed human mind.