I once thought that Maryland had a bunch of shit talking fans - Penn State takes it to a new and more ridiculous level. Now granted you want to support your team especially when playing BCS #1 Ohio State, but this is insane. Let me first set the stage by explaining the key players: First there was me - of course I wasn’t exactly me, but rather a Halloween Tobias Blue Man Group Member, Jens, Ryan - dressed as Bandit wearing a red cowboy shirt, and Frank - wearing OSU gear and someone I don’t think anyone would fuck with on a regular day… but this was ESPN GameDay.
Incident 1: While walking in to the tailgate parking lot there was a scatter of boo’s thrown toward Frank, not surprising. A moment later a pudgy kid came running in at Ryan telling him he wasn’t a “real cowboy”. The little shit, covered in pink stains, stopped two inches from Ryan’s face and found himself being thrown back in to his tailgate of 20 or so raging PSU fans by the now angry Bandit. In apparent response a meat-head who probably owned more than one of the same Hollister shirt came in and spit on Frank and Ryan. Think about that… if you spit on someone you have just written a check made out to “Getting In a Fucking Fight” and you better have overdraft protection. Jens came running back at the spit-kid who promptly backed in the crowd and picked up a glass handle of liquor, holding it out as if he was planning a caveman club swing. Moments later we were walking away to cat calls from the filthy women at the tailgate.
Incident 2: Granted this occured after the four of us went off “looking to start some shit” and it was actually quite tame most of the way. One clever PSU fan did muster a “Fuck You, Flatlander” to Frank. Which I did find amusing. At some point we made in to a gauntlet of PSU fans. They were jumping on trucks and screaming racial slurs for no reason. All 70 people dialed in to the bright red hoodie now walking through their tailgate. First came boos, then came showers of beer from shaking Beast Lights, then came the actual empty cans thrown in to the air, Frank continued on his way and was walking from the tailgate - afterall there was 70 of them. As we cleared the lair of undergrads a PSU fan ran up behind Frank, and pegged him - I mean pegged - him in the back of the head with a full beer. The whole tailgate went silent. Frank was forced to respond. The kid who threw the full beer was holding a ski pole and planted it in the ground (a la Braveheart) but then ran away in to the sea of white. Ryan picked up a case of beer and chucked it underhand back in to the crowd. Already PSU fans were coming up, apologizing, making sure an all out war wasn’t going to erupt. Their olive branches were snapped when a kid came running in telling Ryan he better fix the taillight his beer toss just smashed. Ryan’s response was “Fuck your mother.” Ten minutes later we were drinking with them and Ryan was force feeding beer down the broken taillight. Once again however - pegging a beer at the back of someones head for doing nothing more than wearing Red? Total assholes. Side note: The minimum grade-point required for admission as a degree student from Pennsylvania is 1.00.
Incident 3: This occurred inside the stadium. I was hammered shit, still covered in blue, and managed to score a ticket to the game for $20. I attempted to use the ticket (which was in an alumni section) to sit with the students but I stood out for some reason and was sent to my proper seat. Upon arriving to the correct seating section I asked the usher where my seat was. She pointed me up a flight of stairs and I began my accent. About 10 steps later a hand grabbed the back of my arm and demanded to see what was in my pocket. It was the usher. Confused I pulled out my ticket and she said “No, your back pocket.” With ‘oh shit’ realization I reached my back pocket and pulled a full unopened Lion’s Head from it. I apologized and told her I didn’t realize and tried to continue on my way. Perhaps it was my mustache but she didn’t want to give me a break and said “No, you are coming with me!” and I pleaded “You aren’t actually going to throw me out for bringing that in, are you?” to the response “Oh no, you aren’t getting kicked out, you’re getting arrested.” (Legal side note: Other than a charge for trespass or a drunk in public citation once removed from the premises I don’t know what the hell I could have been arrested for) I walked behind her assuming I could talk her out of her plan of action or what she believed was a plan of action. I began to wonder if she realized I was a 26 -year-old who had actually painted his entire face and chest blue. The bottom of the stairs split to the left and right. To my left, following the usher, awaited a mysterious conversation and explanation which would likely mean I miss kick-off … and to my right, a clear path. Naturally when I hit the landing I bolted to the right and began running. I darted back and forth down ramps and flew straight in to the bathroom and wiped off my blue face (figuring that was my most identifying feature). So again - all that for having an unopened beer in a football stadium? Assholes.
I only was able to handle about one quarter of football before leaving from being too drunk to exist in public. I gave the fans of the night some karma by Dick Tailgating on my way home. Walking through the door I dumped the remnants of my case of Coors Light, which spilled along the table with 3 Buds, 1 Red Bull, a Frisbee, and a can of Guinness. I passed out on the floor at about 9:14pm with no intent to cheer on PSU’s behalf. I think that’s a small price to repay for a school that is chock full of assholes.
Mustache month has come to an end, and as of midnight tonight I can officially remove the patch of scratchy mess that rests above my upper lip. I really can’t figure out how these things were ever a sex symbol unless having hairs shove in to your nostril every time you use a hard “I” vowel and tasting mustard 36 hours after you had a hamburger is considered a turn-on. Its not to say that the stache didn’t have its perks however. You instantly know your the filthiest man in any room which in turn raises probability you will be offered any one of the following: drugs, cheap sex, pornography, stolen merchandise, glory holes, truck balls, lunch buffets, Sarah Silverman tickets, or unionized labor markets. In addition you are instantly included in certain groups and associations, in fact, Ryan and I were hired on spot at a construction yard simply by way of mustache. Accident free since seven seconds after this picture was taken.
Okay, so the second Dictailgate was a more colossal failure than 
